Being a Gen Z woman who’s been a part of fandom culture since I was at least eight years old, and an established freelance writer and up-and-coming fan engagement strategist who happens to be forging a path for myself in the music industry, this is a topic that’s quite close to my heart, so I decided to write about it.

Because fangirls are constantly made out to be hysterical, embarrassing little girls whose interests begin and end with screaming over attractive men, when in reality, they are some of the most committed, inventive, resourceful, and culturally influential people on the internet.

They build communities, organize campaigns, create entire systems, translate content across languages, raise astonishing amounts of money, sustain artists’ careers, and turn individual enthusiasm into collective action.

And yet, no matter how much labor, intelligence, skill, or impact they demonstrate, their devotion is still routinely treated as something silly, shameful, or inherently lesser simply because it is associated with girls and women.

Well, if you’ve ever failed to see the value in fangirls, maybe this will change your mind.

I’ve been an Army since 2020, and in my opinion, the 2020 to 2022 era was the closest a fandom has ever come to creating its own society.

You may think I’m joking or exaggerating, but I am quite literally not.

Table of Contents:

• I - The Bora Society

• II - Fanboys Are Part of the Fandom, But Here’s Why I’m Focused on the Fangirls

• III - Conclusion

• Unofficial IV - A Fangirl’s Self Promotion

• Sources

I - The Bora Society

I’ll never forget the 2020 Black Lives Matter mobilization. BTS and Big Hit were reported to have donated $1 million to Black Lives Matter during the height of the George Floyd protests; ARMY then launched #MatchAMillion and exceeded the target within roughly 24 hours.

One In An ARMY - a volunteer-powered nonprofit “driven by shared interest in global superstars, BTS, and the idea of using our collective power for global good” which “seeks out nonprofit organizations worldwide and harnesses the power of ARMY into giving micro-donations over a one-month period with the motto ‘I am ONE in an ARMY,’ which plays with the idea that many people giving small amounts can create a substantial impact when working together.” - had already routed about $50,000 in the first four and a half days prior to the public match challenge accelerating donations.

From 2020 to 2022, there were what seemed to be hundreds of new service, charity, or community-based accounts popping up daily - all with a purpose-driven mission. They were not simply fan pages posting pictures, edits, and updates about BTS. They functioned more like departments within a sprawling, unofficial public-service network. There were accounts dedicated to education, career development, mental health, translation, research, literature, medicine, voting, graphic design, and nearly every academic subject imaginable.

ARMY Academy, also known online as ARMY Academics, was one of the clearest examples. Created in 2017, the volunteer-led initiative offered free tutoring to ARMY and developed an entire network of specialized subaccounts. Instead of directing everyone through one crowded page, it divided its services by subject area, complete with a central account, a volunteer-recruitment account, backup channels, Discord infrastructure, and dedicated pages through which students could locate the help they needed.

ARMY Science offered assistance in Earth science, biology, chemistry, and physics. ARMY Math helped students struggling with mathematics. ARMY Social Science covered social sciences, accounting, and economics, while ARMY CS supported people studying computer science and promoted help for standardized and professional examinations. ARMY Language offered free language tutoring and conversation-based programs, ARMY Art helped people with their artwork and art-related subjects, and ARMY Learning Center shared study methods and advice intended to improve students’ academic lives. There was even an ARMY Medical Students account for fans majoring in, or considering majors in, medicine and pharmacy.

At the time, several of these accounts had audiences in the tens of thousands.

ARMY Academy had more than 71,000 followers, ARMY Language had more than 40,000, ARMY Science had more than 22,000, ARMY Math had more than 19,000, and ARMY Learning Center had more than 15,000.

Rather than treating fandom and serious academic ambition as incompatible, the entire purpose of these accounts - aside from lending a helping hand to fellow fans - was to help students manage both.

The larger ecosystem included accounts for volunteers responsible for interviewing prospective tutors, subject-specific help desks, exam-preparation resources, and programs covering more than 20 subjects.

In other words, this was not one nice fan occasionally helping another fan with homework. ARMY had laid the groundwork for a free, international tutoring system.

And the educational infrastructure extended far beyond tutoring.

Bangtan Scholars created a network for people actively researching BTS, ARMY, fandom, culture, media, and related subjects. Its website is essentially a community designed for current and aspiring scholars to connect, exchange ideas, discover collaborators, share resources, and expand BTS-related knowledge across disciplines and countries.

The project maintains a curated public research library, while its private Discord network gives approved researchers access to study groups, webinars, discussion panels, author talks, and other opportunities for academic collaboration.

The site currently describes a global network of more than 200 members.

Then there was The Rhizomatic Revolution Review, which may be one of the most extraordinary examples of ARMY creating an institution for itself. It wasn’t merely a blog calling itself a journal. It actually became a multimedia, open-access, peer-reviewed publication devoted to serious examination of BTS, ARMY, art, fandom, economics, culture, and social forces.

Its editorial board, reviewers, managing editors, copyeditors, and marketing staff were volunteers from different countries, age groups, languages, and academic backgrounds. The publication secured its own ISSN, 2692-7772, and is operated by a registered 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

ARMY quite literally created independent scholarly publishing infrastructure because its members believed BTS and the fandom deserved rigorous academic discussion.

Back during this early 2020s era, there were also reading communities such as the BTS Book Club, inspired by the books BTS referenced, recommended, read, or incorporated into their work.

There were career-centered accounts such as BTSxARMY Careers, which shared job listings, industry information, interview advice, and professional-development resources. Another project, the BTS ARMY Job Board, served as an employment information hub where fans could find and share opportunities. Meanwhile, BTS ARMY Teachers gave educators, school staff, and administrators from around the world a place to network and support one another - and there were also spaces created specifically around care.

BTS ARMY Help Center built an international peer-support network, reminding fans that they were important, valued, and not alone. Its project account helped coordinate campaigns and affiliated branches, including language-specific and country-specific extensions.

These were not substitutes for licensed mental-health care - nor should they be interpreted as such - but they did provide listening, encouragement, resource-sharing, and a recognizable point of connection for fans experiencing distress. Other accounts addressed mental health more broadly, creating spaces where ARMY could talk about illness, recovery, loneliness, disability, and emotional survival without first having to explain the cultural importance of BTS in their lives, which was equally important.

Translation was another essential service that ARMY largely built for itself. Before entertainment companies routinely supplied prompt subtitles and multilingual materials, international fans often depended on volunteer translators to understand lyrics, livestreams, interviews, social posts, speeches, variety appearances, and cultural references - which is often still the case, even today.

A 2020 Time profile described fan translation accounts as one of the primary ways ARMY helped existing fans understand BTS more deeply while also introducing the group to new audiences.

Translator Jiye Kim, who ran the account @doyou_bangtan, explained that her first Korean-to-English BTS interview translation took approximately five hours and that she would sometimes clear her personal schedule during promotional periods to keep up with new content.

BTS-Trans and BangtanSubs turned this work into a coordinated global operation.

Its team described itself as a nonprofit, fan-based translation and subbing group devoted to international ARMY. At one point, it had approximately 25 members working as administrators, secretaries, translators, timers, and typesetters across Korean, Japanese, Mandarin, and other languages. These volunteers were balancing the project with school, employment, and ordinary life, and they received no payment for the translations or subtitled videos they produced. The group even maintained an archive, project-status system, staff roles, translation policies, and quality-control procedures.

Individual translators built their own invaluable archives as well. Doolset Bangtan created an extensive English-language library of BTS lyrics, frequently supplementing direct translations with notes clarifying wordplay, cultural context, literary references, and meanings that could easily be lost in translation. The stated goal was simple: to help BTS’s music reach more people and allow listeners to appreciate its meaning more fully.

That translation labor was replicated across languages. Korean-speaking fans translated into English, English translations were adapted into additional languages, and regional fanbases created their own localized updates, guides, subtitles, voting instructions, and educational material.

ARMY did not wait for one centralized company to make every piece of BTS content globally accessible. Fans created a decentralized communication chain capable of moving information across countries and time zones at remarkable speed.

The same type of specialization appeared in ARMY’s voting infrastructure.

Accounts such as the BTSxARMY Voting Team published instructions for award platforms, tracked deadlines, clarified eligibility rules, issued reminders, created tutorials, and coordinated fans across numerous countries.

Its main account accumulated more than half a million followers. Backup accounts existed in case a primary account was suspended, restricted, or overwhelmed, while regional teams adapted global instructions for their own audiences and languages.

The organization was so layered that one account might specialize in gathering information, another in translating it, another in graphic design, another in distributing voting instructions, and country-specific accounts in explaining how the process worked locally.

A similar level of organization appeared in ARMY’s streaming and charting infrastructure.

BTSChartData became one of the fandom’s largest information and coordination hubs, growing to more than 2.6 million followers. The account tracked BTS’s performance across music charts and streaming platforms, translated complicated chart rules into instructions fans could actually understand, circulated goals, monitored milestones, and helped coordinate collective listening efforts.

But BTSChartData did not stop at simply reporting numbers. The singular fan - a college student at the time - created a website (now a full-fledged app) full of fan-built tools intended to make participation easier, including a Spotify playlist generator.

Rather than expecting every individual fan to understand how to structure a playlist, alternate songs, incorporate different tracks, and avoid listening patterns that might be filtered by streaming platforms, the generator helped users assemble playlists around particular releases and goals.

The tool became part of a larger platform now hosted at b-cd.app, which has expanded beyond basic chart updates to include streaming information, counters, discussion spaces, fandom missions, games, and other resources.

ARMY had effectively taken information scattered across streaming services, chart publications, social media accounts, and changing eligibility rules and consolidated it into an accessible fan-run system. And on top of that, BTSChartData also played a major role in popularizing mass listening parties on Stationhead, a social radio platform that connects to users’ Spotify or Apple Music accounts and lets them listen to the same music while interacting in a live chat.

On May 26, 2021, the account organized a #STREAMINGBUTTER party around BTS’s then-new single, “Butter.”

The event was announced with only a few hours’ notice, yet approximately 200,000 people reportedly joined, breaking Stationhead’s existing attendance record and overwhelming a platform that was still relatively unknown to much of the general public.

Stationhead’s founder and CEO, Ryan Star, publicly thanked BTSChartData and ARMY afterward, while the company’s small team watched a fan-organized event bring an enormous influx of people onto its platform.

At the time, Stationhead reportedly had around 500,000 total users, meaning that the roughly 200,000 people who attended the BTS party represented an extraordinary concentration of activity for the app.

And it was not simply 200,000 people silently pressing play alone in their respective homes. It was a live global event in which fans across countries listened to the same playlist, with the same goals, communicated in real time, and experienced streaming as a shared activity rather than an isolated one.

Afterward, ARMY continued organizing Stationhead parties, the company and BTS themselves began to host streaming parties once they realized ARMY liked them and how effective they actually were, and other fanbases increasingly adopted the platform for their own releases and listening campaigns.

Now hosting Stationhead streaming parties is the norm for the majority of artists - many of whom don’t even realize ARMY and BTS are the reason they’re expected to do it.

Once again, the accomplishment was not just that ARMY streamed a song many times. It was that fan organizers recognized a useful technology, learned how it worked, explained it to an international audience, mobilized hundreds of thousands of people on short notice, and transformed an ordinary act of music consumption into a coordinated global event.

That machinery extended well beyond a single account or app.

Streaming teams created comeback goals, playlist templates, tutorials, tracking sheets, reminders, hourly updates, platform-specific guides, and translated instructions.

Some fans monitored Spotify; others focused on Apple Music, YouTube, Shazam, radio requests, digital sales, or country-specific charts.

Graphic designers made the information readable, translators made it globally accessible, regional fanbases adapted it to local rules, and large accounts distributed it to millions of people.

The result was - yet again - an informal but highly specialized promotional network operating across platforms, countries, languages, and time zones.

It could respond to a surprise release within minutes, develop an organized campaign within hours, and sustain that campaign for days or weeks without any central authority formally directing the work.

What outsiders saw as a hashtag suddenly appearing at the top of a trending list, a song suddenly skyrocketing to the top of the charts, or the millionth music show win was often the visible result of days or weeks of planning by a distributed volunteer workforce.

(And many complain that fans are “scamming” their favorite artists to the top with these tactics. But while you can feel how you feel about it, you must admit that having a fandom sizable, intelligent, and dedicated enough to pull these things off on a consistent basis is both a rare and incredible feat for both the artist and the fandom).

ARMY also built systems to document and study itself. The fan-run ARMY Census collected demographic information from 562,280 respondents in more than 100 countries in 2022, making it one of the largest attempts to map a single fandom’s global population.

ResearchBTS, which is run by a PhD student, developed education, career, and industry surveys intended to explore where working-age fans studied, what professions they entered, and how BTS and fandom related to their academic and professional lives.

These projects treated ARMY not as an indistinguishable mass of screaming girls, but as a global population worth documenting with data.

None of these accounts operated under a single government, company, or official command center.

There was no ARMY president assigning a minister of mathematics, a secretary of translations, or a department of career development.

What there were were people who noticed an unmet need, realized they possessed the skills to address it, recruited others, divided the labor, created procedures, built audiences, and kept the service running.

Some projects eventually went on hiatus or closed as their volunteers’ lives changed, but the fact that so many existed at all - and that many still exist today - reveals the level of expertise, generosity, and initiative circulating within the fandom.

And these initiatives don’t even begin to paint the full picture. The latest edition of fandom infrastructure is Boraami, a social platform created by ARMY specifically for other ARMY.

Rather than building another specialized account inside an existing platform, its creators decided to build an entirely new space.

Boraami describes itself as an unofficial app “for ARMY by ARMY” and a safe, inclusive social media platform where fans can connect with one another and support all seven members of BTS.

The service includes both a mobile app and a website, and its development can be traced back to 2025, when it was in beta, before its public launch on June 15th, 2026.

The app emerged during a very different internet era than the one in which many of ARMY’s earlier institutions were created.

In the early 2020s, Twitter was arguably the fandom’s central nervous system. Translation accounts, voting teams, tutoring programs, chart accounts, journalists, update pages, artists, organizers, and ordinary fans could all occupy the same interconnected space. Information moved rapidly between them, and even a newly created account could become part of the larger network through retweets, hashtags, recommendations, and collaborations.

But the platforms ARMY relied upon were never built specifically for ARMY, nor were they controlled by the people whose communities depended on them. Accounts could be suspended without warning. Algorithms could bury important updates. Harassment, misinformation, fan wars, impersonation, and invasive content could and did spread just as quickly as useful information. Changes in ownership, moderation, verification, and platform design could disrupt systems fans had spent years building…

Boraami represents one response to that instability: rather than continuing to make temporary homes on platforms designed by outsiders, ARMY created a space around the fandom’s own needs.

Its existence is significant even before considering whether it’ll eventually become a massive platform. Developing a social network requires far more than opening a group chat or creating a new fan page. It involves product design, software development, user accounts, moderation systems, privacy policies, community standards, technical maintenance, branding, communications, testing, and the ongoing responsibility of protecting the people who use it. And coding. So much coding.

The creators had to think not only about what ARMY might want to post, but also about how fans would interact, what behavior would be permitted, how members could feel safer, and how a global community centered around seven artists could remain welcoming to people from vastly different countries, cultures, languages, ages, and backgrounds.

Boraami is therefore more than another fun fan project. It is evidence of how far ARMY’s institution-building impulse has evolved.

First, fans created update pages and translation accounts. Then they developed tutoring networks, charitable organizations, research collectives, peer-reviewed journals, databases, job boards, playlist generators, and highly coordinated global campaigns. Now, members of the fandom are attempting to create the digital environment in which the community itself can exist.

And while Boraami is still new, with its full development and rollout history still very fresh, what can be said confidently is remarkable enough: ARMY members conceived, developed, tested, and publicly launched a social platform intended exclusively for their own global fandom.

That is the kind of undertaking normally associated with technology companies and funded startups, not people society insists on reducing to mindless fangirls who just like to drool over attractive men.

II - Fanboys Are Part of the Fandom, But Here’s Why I’m Focused on the Fangirls

Let some - most - people tell it, fandom is just for preteen girls who have nothing in their heads but air, are overly emotional, and just like to scream over whichever artist they find the hottest at the time.

Before going any further, I want to make one thing clear: BTS ARMY is not made up exclusively of women and girls.

The person behind BTSChartData, one of the largest and most influential resources discussed in the previous section, is a man. Countless other male fans have built accounts, organized projects, attended concerts, translated content, streamed music, collected albums, participated in charity campaigns, and contributed to the fandom’s success.

ARMY, of course, also includes nonbinary and gender-diverse fans, and as we will discuss shortly, its members span countries, races, religions, age groups, professions, and practically every other background imaginable.

But this article is focused on fangirls for a reason.

For decades, people have claimed that fandom is primarily a holding cell for preteen girls who are obsessive, irrational, embarrassing, delusional, immature, and incapable of recognizing whether the object of their affection has any actual talent.

And when those girls become women, the judgment does not disappear. It simply changes shape.

A teenage girl who loves a boy band is treated like a hormonal idiot who will eventually grow out of it. An adult woman who loves one is treated like a hormonal idiot who somehow failed to grow out of it.

Either way, her enthusiasm is framed as evidence that there is something wrong with her.

This contempt is not unique to BTS or K-pop. It follows girls and women into practically every kind of fandom.

Women who enjoy sports are accused of pretending to impress men. Women who enjoy comics, gaming, science fiction, or fantasy are quizzed until they can prove they are “real” fans.

Women who follow male musicians are reduced to groupies who must only care about sleeping with them. Women who enjoy pop music are told their taste is shallow, manufactured, and intellectually inferior to music whose audiences are assumed to be older, straighter, whiter, and more male.

But the ridicule becomes especially intense when the object of that enthusiasm is a boy band.

Boy bands have historically been treated as disposable precisely because girls loved them first.

The music is dismissed as unserious. The artists are treated as products rather than musicians. The fans are mocked for screaming, crying, making signs, buying multiple albums, memorizing personal details, or experiencing a level of emotional investment that would be considered perfectly normal if redirected toward a football team.

A grown man can paint his entire body in his team’s colors, scream at strangers through a television, spend thousands of dollars following athletes around the country, collect memorabilia, memorize decades of statistics, and become visibly devastated when his team loses. This is called loyalty.

A teenage girl cries because a singer whose music helped her survive a terrible year leaves his group, and suddenly society needs to conduct a psychological evaluation.

The behavior itself is rarely the true problem. The gender of the person displaying it is.

Even the word “fangirl” is often delivered as an insult rather than a neutral description.

It invokes an image of someone hysterical, vapid, sexually fixated, and incapable of critical thought.

Her feelings are assumed to be exaggerated. Her knowledge is treated as trivia. Her labor is treated as embarrassing devotion rather than skill. Her economic power is welcomed by the industries that profit from it, but her cultural judgment is rarely afforded the same respect.

Young female fans are valuable enough to fund careers, sell out stadiums, break records, propel songs up the charts, revive old media, popularize new platforms, and create enormous global markets. Yet they are still routinely treated as the least credible people in the room.

And sadly, sometimes that disrespect even comes from the artists who benefit from them.

Male artists have long made their predominantly female audiences the punchline, distanced themselves from the girls who made them successful, or spoken as though gaining male approval would finally prove that their music mattered. A fanbase filled with women is treated as an embarrassing early stage to outgrow before an artist can be taken seriously by critics, older listeners, or other men.

The girls are expected to buy the albums, stream the songs, attend the shows, promote the releases, defend the artist, and sustain the career. But once credibility enters the conversation, their support somehow becomes a mark against him.

That is why I am intentionally using the language of “fangirls.”

Not because there are no fanboys, because women are the only people responsible for ARMY’s accomplishments, or because every woman in the fandom expresses her support in the same way.

But I am focusing on fangirls because they are the people most often used to discredit fandom in the first place.

When critics call ARMY a collection of “crazy teenage girls,” they are not making a neutral observation about demographics. They are relying on the assumption that teenage girls are inherently frivolous, irrational, unintelligent, and unworthy of being taken seriously.

“They’re just girls” is supposed to end the conversation.

My response is: even if they were, so what?

A fandom made up entirely of twelve-year-old girls would still deserve respect. Preteen and teenage girls are full human beings with interior lives, developing identities, real emotions, creative intelligence, cultural instincts, and the right to care deeply about things, too, you know. And their interests do not become worthless just because adults find them loud, feminine, overly-romantic, or embarrassing.

Girls should not need to hold graduate degrees, manage companies, publish research, write software, or raise millions of dollars before their joy becomes respectable.

But with all that being said…

BTS ARMY does not, in fact, consist only of prepubescent girls.

And we have, in fact, done all of the above.

So…

Egg in your misogynistic faces, I guess?

Anyway, back to professionalism: That much should already be obvious from everything discussed in the first section.

As a reminder, ARMY built international translation teams with administrators, translators, archives, internal policies, and quality-control systems. Created tutoring networks covering more than 20 subjects, complete with volunteer recruitment and specialized academic departments. Built career boards, mental-health support networks, research communities, data projects, voting teams, charity organizations, playlist generators, streaming platforms, peer-reviewed journals, and now an entire social media app.

And these projects were not all created by children squeezing volunteer work in between middle-school classes.

Many were built and maintained by college students, graduates, professors, researchers, software developers, educators, translators, healthcare workers, marketers, editors, designers, data analysts, nonprofit organizers, and other professionals with full-time jobs.

Bangtan Scholars’ leadership alone has included members with graduate degrees in English, communication, history, branding, sociology, journalism, and the arts, as well as university instructors and doctoral researchers.

The Rhizomatic Revolution Review has involved credentialed scholars, editors, peer reviewers, nonprofit leadership, and contributors from numerous academic disciplines.

It’s safe to say the fandom’s infrastructure reflects the knowledge of the people inside it.

A translation archive cannot exist without multilingual fans willing to devote hours to cultural and linguistic interpretation. An app cannot be built without developers, designers, testers, moderators, and people capable of managing a digital product. A charity campaign cannot route donations across organizations and countries without planning, trust, communication, and financial responsibility.

ARMY did not accidentally stumble into creating these systems. Its members brought skills from their schools, careers, communities, and lived experiences into the fandom and then used those skills for one another.

And if someone still needs statistical proof that ARMY is not simply a swarm of twelve-year-old girls, the available demographic research provides it.

There is no official global database capable of telling us the exact age, gender, race, religion, occupation, or nationality of every ARMY in existence. The fandom is too large, too decentralized, and too international for that. Most available studies rely on self-selected respondents, which means they should not be treated as perfect representations of every fan. But even with those limitations, the data clearly dismantles the stereotype.

The 2022 BTS ARMY Census collected responses from 562,280 people in more than 100 countries. The project reported that almost two-thirds of respondents were adults, with 18 to 29 being the most common age group at 53.7 percent. Mexico was the most frequently reported country of residence in that dataset, accounting for approximately 21 percent of respondents.

Another international survey of roughly 400,000 fans, summarized by The Korea Times, found that 50.31 percent of respondents were under 18 and 42.59 percent were between 18 and 29. It also included respondents in their thirties, forties, and older age groups. Approximately 86.34 percent identified as female, 11.3 percent as male, and nearly 3,000 respondents identified as nonbinary. The survey was distributed primarily through social media and likely skewed younger, but even that youth-heavy sample documented a fandom far more varied than the common caricature suggests.

More recent mainstream reporting makes the same diversity impossible to ignore. Reuters has profiled ARMY members in their twenties, fifties, and beyond, including working adults who spend thousands of dollars on BTS-related travel, accommodations, concerts, merchandise, food, and tourism. In 2026, Reuters reported on a 58-year-old Canadian utility worker who traveled to Seoul with her daughters, a 25-year-old fan from Mexico who spent thousands on her trip, and a fan from Seoul who was in her fifties and attending BTS-related events.

So sure, ARMY is predominantly female, but not exclusively female. It contains teenagers, but is not exclusively teenage. It includes young fans discovering BTS for the first time, adults who became fans in their twenties and thirties, parents who share the fandom with their children, and older women who have no intention of apologizing for finding music that brings them joy.

(I should know. My mother, in her 50s, my eight-year-old niece, and I, in my twenties, bond over our love of BTS all the time.)

So, the “teenage fangirl” stereotype fails in two separate ways.

First, it treats teenage girls as inherently stupid and therefore unworthy of respect.

Second, it is not even an accurate description of the fandoms that are often being mocked. BTS’s being one of those fandoms.

ARMY is not impressive because it successfully proved that every member is older, credentialed, wealthy, or professionally accomplished. Its youngest fans should not have to borrow the résumés of doctors and professors to justify their place in the fandom.

But the presence of those doctors, professors, researchers, developers, teachers, parents, artists, and working professionals exposes just how little the stereotype was ever based on reality.

People saw women loving a boy group and filled in the rest themselves. As per usual.

III - Conclusion

And even after all of that, I have barely scratched the surface.

I didn’t get into the ARMYs who host movie nights, game nights, listening parties, book discussions, watch-alongs, birthday projects, local meetups, virtual hangouts, study sessions, giveaways, donation drives, and countless other community events designed simply to make people feel less alone.

I didn’t get into every fan artist, editor, archivist, historian, programmer, organizer, writer, or small-business owner who has used their talent to contribute something to the fandom.

I didn’t list every scholarship fund, relief campaign, environmental project, food drive, medical fundraiser, or community resource created in BTS’s name.

And honestly, if I tried to document everything ARMY has built, organized, funded, translated, studied, popularized, or accomplished, I would be here all day.

But just know this: Fandom is often discussed as nothing more than consumption - people buying albums, memorizing lyrics, watching videos, and screaming over celebrities. But fandom can also be a place where people practice leadership, develop professional skills, find collaborators, build support systems, learn new languages, discover academic interests, raise money, and organize across national borders.

I can’t tell you how many ARMY have credited BTS - and being part of their fandom - for their success in their careers and academic accomplishments.

And I’m one of them. I wouldn’t have started learning a second language, started my writing career, or become as driven, ambitious, and self-believing as I am today had I not become an ARMY and listened closely to Bangtan’s words back in 2020.

Fandom can turn strangers into teammates. It can turn niche knowledge into public resources and affection for an artist into care for an entire community.

None of that means ARMY is perfect. No fandom that large could ever be perfectly unified, constantly kind, or free from conflict. There are arguments, internal divisions, extensive fan wars, and plenty of bad behavior that warrants criticism.

Acknowledging what ARMY has achieved does not require pretending otherwise.

But imperfection doesn’t erase impact.

ARMY has repeatedly demonstrated what can happen when millions of people with different abilities, backgrounds, professions, languages, and levels of influence decide that their individual contribution, however big or small, belongs to something larger.

And although I can’t speak on behalf of other fandoms that I haven’t been near as involved in, I’m sure the same rings true for them, too.

That is what people miss when they reduce fangirls to obsessive horn balls or mindlessly devoted freaks.

They see the screaming but not the strategy. The profile pictures, but not the people behind them. A chart position, a trending hashtag, or a sold-out stadium, but not the hours of volunteer labor, technical skill, emotional investment, and collective coordination that made it possible.

And maybe most importantly, they see girls and women loving something openly and assume that openness must mean stupidity or childishness, when it absolutely does not.

I’d like to reiterate that fangirls are not valuable because they can prove they are secretly professors, doctors, developers, or nonprofit leaders. They are valuable because they are people, and their interests deserve respect even when they are young, emotional, loud, hyperfeminine, or deeply enthusiastic.

But the existence of all those professors, doctors, developers, artists, translators, organizers, students, mothers, daughters, fathers, sons, grandparents, and professionals inside ARMY makes the stereotype look even more ridiculous.

What society dismisses as “just fangirls” may actually be one of the most adaptable, creative, and powerful forms of community on the internet.

BTS ARMY did not create a literal society, but we sure built enough systems, institutions, traditions, networks, and shared responsibilities to make my original statement feel a lot less exaggerated than it probably should.

And ARMY is not uniquely capable of this.

Fangirls from fandoms all around have always been capable of far more than anyone was willing to notice.

Unofficial IV - A Fangirl’s Self Promotion

Hey, so, I haven’t been in the deepest and darkest depths of the trenches inside fandom spaces for 68% of my life and write a nearly 6k-word article just to end it without a little self-promotion, which, I, quite frankly, think I’ve earned by now.

So.

I’m Matilia, a freelance writer, narrative strategist, and fan engagement freelancer who helps artists, creatives, founders, and brands tell stronger stories, build deeper connections with their audiences, and create content that people actually care about.

I’m especially interested in working with people who understand that audiences do not simply want to be marketed at. They want stories to connect with, communities to belong to, and reasons to care.

So, whether you’re an artist trying to build a more meaningful relationship with your fans, a creative trying to clarify your story, or a brand looking for writing that sticks like stardust, I would love to hear from you!

Thanks for reading, and I hope we can work together soon!

Sources

“Armed in ARMY: A Case Study of How BTS Fans Successfully Collaborated to #MatchAMillion for Black Lives Matter.” University of Washington.
https://bpb-us-e1.wpmucdn.com/sites.uw.edu/dist/2/3760/files/2019/09/ArmedInARMY_FINAL.pdf

“K-pop Boyband BTS’ Fans Match Group’s $1 Million Donation to Black Lives Matter.” Reuters.
https://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyle/k-pop-boyband-bts-fans-match-groups-1-million-donation-to-black-lives-matter-idUSKBN23E08U/

“Who Likes BTS? A Survey of 400,000 Fans Around the World.” The Korea Times.
https://www.koreatimes.co.kr/opinion/20210327/who-likes-bts-a-survey-of-400000-fans-around-the-world

“The Mobilising Power of the BTS ARMY.” Reuters.
https://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyle/the-mobilising-power-of-the-bts-army-idUSKCN24G0OG/

“The BTS ARMY on Twitter Flocks Together: How Transnational Fandom on Social Media Builds a Viable System.” Telematics and Informatics.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0736585324000479

ARMY Academy. X.
https://x.com/armyacademics

One In An ARMY: Bonus Missions.
https://oneinanarmy.org/bonus-missions/

Bangtan Scholars.

https://www.bangtanscholars.com/

The Rhizomatic Revolution Review.

https://ther3journal.com/

BTS-Trans / BangtanSubs.

https://www.bangtansubs.com/

Doolset Lyrics.

https://doolsetbangtan.wordpress.com/

BTS ARMY Research.
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Boraami.

https://boraami.app/

BTSChartData Playlist Generator.
https://b-cd.app/playlist-generator

ARMY Academy subject accounts: ARMY Science, ARMY Math, ARMY Language, ARMY Social Science, ARMY CS, ARMY Medical Students, and ARMY Learning Center.

Keep Reading

I’m just going to jump right in because I have a lot to say: K-pop and gaming have intersected. Many times and in many ways, mostly through rhythm games, group-branded mobile apps, puzzle games, and management sims. However, the K-pop industry has never fully committed to creating a truly immersive, large-scale idol-life simulation experience despite K-pop being almost perfectly designed for it.

The genre already contains everything modern simulation games thrive on: customization, storytelling, relationship-building, progression systems, performance mechanics, fashion, fandom culture, competition, worldbuilding, social drama, luxury, and parasocial immersion.

So it feels really bizarre that such a massive entertainment industry has barely explored gaming beyond surface-level mobile experiences - especially when fans would likely obsess over a deep, open-ended idol simulator with life-sim, RPG, and interactive-story elements.

My eye begins twitching every time I think about it, which is why I’m writing this. Maybe if I finally vent about it, it won’t bother me as much.

Now, first of all, I’m not even that big of a gamer. I play one to two new games per year, maybe, and I tend to only game during the fall and winter months for whatever reason. I mostly play things I already know how to play because I’ve played them before: Dress to Impress, Telltale Walking Dead games, PUBG, the Episode games (nostalgia), and old Flash games from the 2000s (more nostalgia), mainly. I love interactive storytelling games - always have, since back in the Surviving High School days. Makes sense, since I’m a writer, I guess.

Anyway, I say all this just so you know, in case I don’t always have the correct words to convey my thoughts in this post (although, me and Google are locked TF in right now, so I’m hoping this’ll be a nice read).

I also mention it because I get the feeling that the kind of K-pop game I’m envisioning is probably too ambitious and beyond unrealistic. I know that. But am I going to fuss about it not existing anyway?

So, here we go! And don’t worry - I’ll talk about the logistics of it all later in the post, but for now…

Synopsis

I’d just like to say that there should be a massive K-pop idol game by now, and it’s upsetting me and my homegirls that there’s not. Actually, ideally, there should be two massive K-pop games by now - one where you can play as your favorite real-life idols and another where you can play as an original character. But both would function essentially the same way, and I’ll focus more on the latter in this post.

In this game, you should get to live as an idol from the trainee period through actual idol life. I envision the game genuinely having, like, a never-ending, lifelong playing potential because there’d be so much to do!

I’m talking about a game where you can train for years before debuting, compete on survival shows, build relationships with members and staff, perform at concerts, deal with scandals, navigate fan culture, decorate dorms, go on secret dates, create music and choreography, customize comeback concepts, explore open-world cities, and essentially live inside a fictional K-pop industry ecosystem that feels immersive, chaotic, emotional, and (of course) creative!

What We Have and What We Don’t

Before writing more about my game idea, I wanted to write about some K-pop games that already exist. I did my research and found some interesting games, but none really come that close to what I envision.

What We Have

BTS World

The closest existing game is BTS World…which doesn’t even exist anymore (and everyone who decided to shut that down is at the very tip-top of my hit list. It’s been years, and I’m still not over it. Roc Nation, you will crumble!)

Anyway.

BTS World is the closest in relationship-building, story choices, trainee/pre-debut fantasy, reputation/social interaction, idol schedules, and the texting/calls/story immersion I want to see. But it’s still VERY limited compared to my idea because (from what I can remember) there’s no open world, no actual performance gameplay, no real skill progression system(? Was there? It’s been years, I don’t remember), no life sim depth, no “live as an idol forever” structure, and it was mostly a visual novel/card game.

Girl Group Inc: Love Kpop Idol

I’ve never actually played this or the other games mentioned below, so I had to rely on Google, but from what I can understand, this is probably the most mechanically similar to my concept. Apparently, it includes everything from training idols, assigning positions, balancing schedules, and managing scandals to managing relationships/compatibility, promotions, budgeting, and even producing albums and managing companies. However, you don’t get to “live as” the idol, it’s not open world, immersive, or performance-focused, and it isn’t story-heavy. It’s mostly menu management.

K-pop Idol Stories: Road to Debut

This one includes scouting, schedules, styling, social media planning, idol management, and a debut system, but it’s from the manager’s perspective and isn’t an immersive celebrity life simulation

Idol Manager

This one isn’t K-pop; instead, it’s Japanese idol industry-inspired, but it’s very structurally close to what I imagine! It involves scandals, dating restrictions, fan backlash, idol burnout, media pressure, training, concerts, and even having to take care of your public image. Still…Not quite there, though.

The Idolmaster

Finally, this one has a lot of the same features, but it’s anime-style, not as realistic, and it’s less socially dynamic. Also, still no open world.

What We Don’t Have

With all that being said, I think it’s safe to conclude that the K-pop industry hasn’t really embraced immersive simulation gaming, idol-life RPGs, open-world/social gaming or, like, “live as an idol” fantasy gaming, and it should!

The majority of K-pop games right now are totally unrelated - rhythm games, card collection games, visual novels, puzzle games, fan service, and social games, etc. The closest things to my concept are actually Japanese idol sims + indie management games.

So, let’s discuss the game and gameplay I’ve been thinking about for years now, and would sell my right lung just to get!

The Game(play) I Want

First of all, I see it being (and I had to do a lot of searching to find these terms, but I think they’re all correct) an open world, life sim, idol simulator, RPG, interactive story game, management sim, social simulator, and rhythm/performance game all in one.

Think The Sims X Berry Avenue X Just Dance X Episode X PUBG X The Walking Dead X Dress to Impress X Bitlife X Animal Crossing X The Idol Master X Minecraft X Miitopia X your favorite time management game like Diner Dash, for example.

THIS IS A LOT, I KNOW, BUT WALK WITH ME.

Very ambitious, probably chaotic, likely impossible, I know, but again, WALK! WALK!

It would be like these games in the following ways:

• The Sims - life simulation (duh), relationships, customization, home decor, open-ended gameplay, and the career/life balancing aspects

• Berry Avenue - open-world roaming, everyday activities, immersive roleplay

• Just Dance - the motion-controlled dance gameplay/performance mechanics (bro…Imagine it being like Michael Jackson: The Experience, too…I would cut tf up!)

• Episode - branching storylines, romance, choices matter, drama

I want this so bad, you don’t get it…But whatever, let’s continue to walk. WALK!

• PUBG - not mechanically similar overall, but this is like how I imagine the lobby/social multiplayer aspects of the game might be, although I’m not sure…

• The Walking Dead - the emotionally driven, choice-heavy storytelling of it all, hello?! The interactiveness…

• Dress to Impress - styling/fashion-focused gameplay, DUH, OF COURSE!

• BitLife - random chaotic life-event systems and career branching!

*Maniacal muttering* yes, yes, give that to me, YES!

• Animal Crossing: New Horizons - cozy progression, decorating, collecting, routine-based gameplay, YES!

• The Idolmaster - idol training/progression systems (Obviously)

• Minecraft - endless creativity/modding/community-generated experiences

• Miitopia - relationship dynamics affecting gameplay, yes, yes

• Diner Dash (or other time management games) - PICTURE IT! There are tasks and challenges and shit, and you have to complete them in time to avoid repercussions! Like, for example, having to run away from Dispatch before they catch you and your idol boo together, or y’all end up canceled and career-less! Having to sign enough autographs for fans before they get mad and you get “disrespectful idol” rumors that make your popularity plummet! ECETERA!

Um…Anyway…

Before I get too psychotic, let me reel it back in.

I’m trying so hard to write a really formal, professional, technical type of article, and I just keep failing, but whatever, anyway…

The game could be played on several devices, such as:

• PC (which I’ve come to learn would be the best option for a huge, detailed simulation game)

• PS5/Xbox (possible, but seems less ideal?)

• Nintendo Switch 2 (possible, but probably with reduced graphics/features)

• Mobile (only for a simplified version or, like, a companion app)

• VR headset (I thought this would be super cool, but it might only be possible for special modes like concerts, dorm life, fan meets, dance practice, etc. Would be pretty heavy for a headset)

Also, accessories could be made later! Like a dance controller, a mic, a lightstick controller, a motion-tracking camera, etc.

And I think the game should have several “playing modes” (not sure if that’s the correct term here…?)

Firstly…

As A Trainee

The trainee portion of the game alone could honestly be an entire game by itself. In fact, I almost think it should be. Before debuting, fame, world tours, luxury brand deals, and scandals, you should have to survive trainee life first, and it should genuinely feel difficult.

You would start the game on day one as a trainee with little to no skill. (You’d be able to spend all the time you want customizing your character like in The Sims, and even assigning a backstory and personality traits to them). Maybe you’re young and have a few years to figure things out before the pressure really starts mounting, or maybe you’re older and running out of time, desperately trying to debut within a year before the company gives up on you entirely. Some players might spend 200 in-game days as a trainee. Others might spend over 1000. Some might never debut at all.

The game should track nearly everything about you through visible skill and status meters that constantly fluctuate depending on your choices and performance. Singing, dancing, stage presence, acting, likability, relationships, health, stamina, confidence, public image, and maybe even “visual” ranking could all rise or fall over time. If you overwork yourself, your performance skills may skyrocket while your mental and physical health collapse. If you focus too much on relationships and socializing, you might become beloved by trainees and staff while falling behind in evaluations. Every choice should feel like a tradeoff!

And the evaluations should actually matter.

Monthly evaluations, survival missions, internal ranking systems, concept tests, and group reshuffles could completely change your trajectory in the company. One bad month could get you removed from a debut lineup you’d spent years trying to secure. Another trainee could suddenly surpass you in popularity or skill. Members could get kicked out of your group. New trainees could suddenly be added. You could spend months building chemistry with a lineup only to get transferred into an entirely different group because the company thinks you fit another concept better.

You could also be assigned positions early on! Main dancer, lead vocalist, visual, center, rapper, etc. - and then you spend years trying to solidify yourself in that role, only for the company to suddenly change its mind. Maybe you trained as a vocalist for years just to be pushed into rap because another trainee outperformed you. Or you were originally the center but lost your spot after a slump in confidence or an injury. Maybe you were never meant to be the leader, but end up carrying the emotional weight of the team anyway because everyone else falls apart under pressure. The potentials are endless.

Also, relationships should be one of the most important mechanics in the game!

You would need to build relationships not only with fellow trainees but also with coaches, managers, stylists, producers, executives, and staff members. Some people could become trusted mentors who advocate for you behind the scenes. Others could quietly dislike you and make your life harder. You’d have to balance genuine friendships with strategic networking, and the game should constantly blur the line between the two.

Dorm life alone could create endless gameplay possibilities because living with other trainees could strengthen bonds and improve teamwork, but it could also create tension, jealousy, exhaustion, and drama. Some trainees might become your closest friends, while others might become rivals you’re forced to share a bedroom with for years.

(Enemies to lovers?)

You could stay up all night practicing choreography together before evaluations, or end up in explosive arguments because someone keeps getting preferential treatment from the company. And there could even be romantic elements between the trainees - enemies to lovers, friends to lovers, forced proximity, love triangles…The romance tropes are endless, and all of them are calling the hell out of my name.

Also! The game should also force you to maintain a life outside of training - if you even can.

Players should have long backstories and fully developed personal lives that continue progressing while trainee life consumes them. Family relationships could weaken over time if you stop calling home. Childhood friendships could fade. Romantic feelings could develop at the worst possible time. Maybe your family desperately needs financial help back home, but leaving the company would destroy your dream. Maybe you miss birthdays, funerals, holidays, and major life events because you’re stuck in practice rooms preparing for another evaluation that might not even matter next month - which leads me to my next point: Mental health should be a major part of the game, too!

Anxiety, burnout, insomnia, panic attacks, isolation, identity issues, stage fright, and emotional exhaustion could all impact your performance and relationships over time. A trainee who constantly pushes themselves to perfection might become technically incredible while emotionally deteriorating behind the scenes. Another trainee might plateau skill-wise because they prioritize rest and maintaining relationships. (There shouldn’t be one perfect way to play the game - it should feel messy and kinda lose-lose at certain points, much like real life).

Different companies should also dramatically change the trainee experience. You could want to get into one company more than anything, yet get rejected from it and end up somewhere else, which could impact your character’s mental state and decisions.

Also, some fictional companies might provide artistic freedom, healthier environments, and better dorms, while others might be ruthless, controlling, manipulative, or deeply corrupt. One company could prioritize visuals over talent. Another could overwork trainees to dangerous levels because they care more about performance quality than well-being. Some companies might heavily enforce dating bans and public image restrictions before debut. Others might encourage individuality and self-production.

(However, although this seemed like a decent idea in my head, originally, it’s worth noting that even writing this section has made me feel a bit icky for reasons addressed later in the article!)

Different trainee debt systems, promotion styles, dorm conditions, and management philosophies would make replayability massive.

And then there’s one of the most interesting gameplay possibilities, which would be a full survival show mode.

Imagine competing in a Produce-style survival program inside the game where rankings change weekly based on public votes, performances, editing, popularity, scandals, and online perception. You could form alliances with other contestants, slowly build a fandom before debut, or suddenly become hated because of a badly edited episode. “Evil editing” could completely alter public perception of your character. You could go viral for a fancam one week and nearly get eliminated the next because of a misunderstanding online. Players could desperately panic-vote their favorite trainees into the lineup while others barely miss debut after years of training.

Social media would also need to be deeply integrated into gameplay, even during trainee life.

Trainees close to debut could start building pre-debut fandoms through livestreams, dance challenges, behind-the-scenes content, trainee showcases, and fake social media platforms within the game. Public perception could become wildly unpredictable (as is realistic). One trainee might become beloved overnight because of a funny clip going viral while another gets dragged online for something completely harmless. Dispatch-style leaks, rumor accounts, fancam edits, trainee fanpages, discourse, and temporary hate trains could all shape the gameplay in unpredictable ways.

The internet inside the game could honestly function almost like its own living ecosystem!

And what I think makes this concept really interesting is that there doesn’t even need to be one singular “goal.” Debuting could be the main objective for many players, but others might prioritize popularity, relationships, artistic growth, financial success, or simply surviving the trainee system without completely destroying themselves emotionally. Some players might become legendary idols while others could become forgotten trainees who never make it out of the basement practice rooms. Some might leave the industry entirely and pursue acting, producing, choreography, content creation, or solo careers instead. (Plenty of room to expand into different games!)

The trainee section of the game should feel uncertain, exhausting, immersive, emotional, and deeply interactive. And of course, even though the gameplay would be lengthy as hell, you should be able to play again and again, as different characters, and get totally different gameplay experiences and results every time.

After Debut

And then, after years of training, stress, evaluations, uncertainty, and competition, you finally get to play in debut mode! Maybe this is all in the same game, but that would be a lot, so maybe this would be split into a second game.

Either way, debuting should not feel like “winning” the game. If anything, it should feel like the beginning of an entirely different one. Just like in real life, finally debuting as an idol would not magically erase all the damage, tension, sacrifices, and exhaustion accumulated during trainee life.

Depending on how players navigated those years, they could enter their debut with strained relationships, severe burnout, anxiety issues, bad public perception, rivalries within the group, or almost nonexistent relationships with family and old friends. Some idols might debut technically excellent but emotionally isolated. Others might have strong bonds with members but weaker skills that continue to affect their performance and popularity after debut.

And after debut, the scale of gameplay could become almost overwhelming in the best possible way. I seriously have so many ideas about this!

Suddenly, your schedule should become packed with music show performances, concerts, interviews, fan signs, livestreams, award shows, reality content filming, choreography rehearsals, airport appearances, magazine shoots, comeback preparations, red carpets, brand deals, and international travel. You’re no longer just trying to survive monthly evaluations in a practice room, but now millions of people are watching everything you do at all times, and there are a ton of tasks to do.

One of the most interesting mechanics would be reputation management, because public opinion in the game should feel partially controllable and partially completely random, just like it does in real life. You could work incredibly hard, treat fans kindly, perform well, and maintain a polished public image for years, only for a hate train to suddenly erupt online because of one misunderstanding, one clip taken out of context, one dating rumor, or even just because people decide they dislike you that week.

The game should heavily integrate fake social media platforms that function almost like their own ecosystem inside the game. Fan comments, livestreams, TikTok-style dance challenges, fancam virality, meme culture, hate and rumor accounts, Dispatch-style leaks, hashtag controversies, reaction videos, fan edits, and viral moments could constantly shape your public image in super unpredictable ways. You could become beloved overnight because of one funny interview clip or spend weeks trying to recover from a scandal that exploded for reasons mostly outside your control.

And the scandals alone could be one of the most stressful (and entertaining) parts of gameplay.

I envision everything from dating scandals, attitude controversies, accidental spoilers, leaked private photos (not those kinda ya nasty!), and fan misunderstandings to feud rumors, contract disputes, or old trainee clips resurfacing years later all dramatically affecting your reputation.

You could secretly start dating another idol or actor and spend months sneaking around trying not to get caught by paparazzi, fans, or dispatch reporters, too. Maybe fans begin shipping you with another member while you’re secretly dating someone else entirely and it causes a ton of conflict. Maybe your company pressures you to deny everything publicly, even if it destroys your relationship behind the scenes…

I think the game should constantly force players to balance authenticity with image management, and that fan culture itself should play an enormous role in gameplay.

And you wouldn’t just have “fans.” You’d have a fandom with its own identity, culture, inside jokes, expectations, demands, and problems. The fans could organize birthday projects, fan cafes, streaming goals, support events, lightstick oceans, donation drives, and comeback campaigns - but fandom culture could also become toxic and difficult to manage. It could include all the usual things, like fan wars, solo stans, akgaes, shipping culture, boycott movements (hella trucks sent to your company’s building at every opportunity, chi), and internal fandom conflict could all shape your career in ways you can’t fully control.

Some fans might adore your personality, while others resent the amount of lines or screentime you receive compared to other members. One member becoming significantly more popular than the others could create resentment within the group itself. Shipping culture could accidentally damage real relationships. Certain members might become targets for hate campaigns, while others are heavily protected by fans regardless of what they do…Just drama and mess - much like it is in real life. And the game wouldn’t shy away from showing how mentally exhausting that level of visibility would be.

Mental health systems should continue to heavily affect gameplay after debut, possibly even more than during trainee life. Anxiety, burnout, insomnia, stage fright, depression, and parasocial exhaustion could all worsen over time, depending on how players handle fame and pressure. An idol might become terrified of livestreaming after receiving waves of hate comments. Another might develop severe anxiety after a scandal nearly destroys their career.

(Again, as I write this, I feel concerned about how insensitive it would be to put this in a game, when, mind you, idols are really dealing with these things. It could be exploitative…But again, I’ll discuss that later.)

This would all actively impact gameplay, of course.

Poor mental health could affect stage performance, relationships, interviews, public interactions, schedules, and even choreography accuracy. A player having a panic attack before a major performance could genuinely risk damaging the group’s reputation if they perform poorly on stage afterward.

Speaking of performances! Concerts and stages should be extremely interactive rather than automated cutscenes! (I think this might be my favorite part!)

Players should actually have to focus during performances. Making sure to stay in formation, hitting choreography correctly, maintaining stamina, timing vocals properly, avoiding mistakes, interacting with cameras correctly, managing facial expressions, and navigating stage effects should all matter. During huge concerts, things could become intentionally stressful and chaotic. A member could miss positioning and throw everyone off, your stamina could start dropping halfway through a difficult choreography section, or you could accidentally collide with another member onstage. A great performance could massively increase popularity and fan loyalty, while, of course, a disastrous one could haunt you for months.

And then there’s even more because the game should also allow players to expand beyond idol activities entirely. Like, some idols might pursue acting careers and begin landing roles in dramas, movies, or survival programs. Others could become variety show stars, MCs, influencers, producers, choreographers, fashion ambassadors, or solo artists. Some might eventually leave their groups entirely to pursue solo careers.

One player’s idol could become a luxury fashion icon, constantly attending fashion events, while another evolves into a deeply respected producer working behind the scenes. As with everything else mentioned, it would be super reflective of how things are in real life. And because the industry constantly evolves, the game world itself should evolve too.

Concept trends could change over time. Music genres could rise and fall in popularity. New rookie groups could debut and threaten your dominance. Public attitudes toward scandals and dating could gradually shift over the years. Older idols could struggle to stay relevant as younger groups dominate trends. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

This would allow long-term gameplay to stay fresh for (what I think would be) an infinite amount of time.

The multiplayer possibilities would also be insane, too. I think it would be really fun if players could debut in groups together, compete on charts, collaborate on songs, secretly date each other, start fan wars, sabotage rival groups, perform together at award shows, or even feud publicly while privately remaining friends behind the scenes. Entire friend groups could essentially create their own fictional K-pop industry ecosystems together, which would be so cute and fun, but also, probably chaotic as Hell. Which is great because y’all know I love some chaos!

And finally, I would just like to add that the amount of content creation mechanics possible inside a game like this would be ridiculous! Players could film music videos, create choreography practice videos, participate in game dance challenges, shoot reality content, film vlogs, record behind-the-scenes footage, pose for magazine editorials, direct concept photoshoots, and customize comeback concepts almost endlessly. The game could genuinely function as a creativity sandbox on top of being a life simulator.

Other Playing Modes, Activities, & Open World Features

One of the biggest reasons I think this game concept has so much potential is because there wouldn’t just be one singular way to play it. While some people (like myself) would probably play mostly for the story and emotional drama, others (okay, also like myself) would play for the fashion and customization. And then, some would care most about choreography and performance mechanics, while others would spend hours decorating dorms, filming in-world content, or wandering around open-world cities doing random side quests instead of progressing the main storyline. (Also me…God, I just really want this damn game to exist; it would be so fun!) The game could really function as several different genres all existing inside the same universe at the same time.

And walk with me here: yes, this absolutely should be an open-world game!

Fully explorable cities where you can actually go places and do things instead of just clicking through menus and cutscenes. You could drive around cities, unlock new countries while touring, walk through shopping districts, enter restaurants and convenience stores, decorate apartments and dorms, explore parks at night, visit arcades with group members, attend fashion events, and interact with the environment in ways that make the game feel genuinely alive.

Like, you could stop by a convenience store after an exhausting rehearsal at 2 AM and run into another idol there unexpectedly, or spend a free day wandering around a mall shopping for comeback outfits and accessories. (Please, God, I want this!) You could even sit in a library reading books that could slightly increase your intelligence or creativity stats. Of course, doing other things like going to the gym to improve stamina or going to an amusement park for a “group bonding” schedule that turns chaotic because fans start recognizing you halfway through the day could be included, too.

And (I cannot stress this enough) the activities themselves should actually be interactive.

If you go to an amusement park, you should genuinely be able to ride the rides, steer the bumper cars, play carnival games, and walk around eating overpriced snacks with your members or love interest. (This is lowkey reminding me of Build-a-Bearville. Does anybody remember that game? I miss it so much omg).

Another example: If you cook food for a reality show challenge, there should actually be mini-games involved. Like, having to cook it without burning it, or making it too salty, or something, I don’t know. And if you decorate a dorm room, you should have complete freedom to customize layouts, furniture, lighting, posters, decorations, wardrobes, gaming setups, vanity areas, kitchens, recording spaces, and practice rooms, almost like a home-decor simulator inside the game itself. (I need this because I love a good home decor game down!) Maybe there could even be hidden collectible items you can discover throughout the gameplay and bring back to your dorm to use as decor.

Some people would probably spend 80% of their gameplay just decorating apartments and dressing their idols up, as they should! Cause the customization and fashion mechanics alone could be absurdly detailed.Hair and makeup and skincare and nails and airport fashion and stage outfits and casual outfits and luxury fashion and brand collaborations and jewelry and glasses and bags and hairstyles and aesthetics and concepts and photoshoot styling and...

Literally everything - all the things!

This game could practically function as a dress-up game if players wanted it to. Especially because as idols become more successful and wealthier, more brands, stores, designers, and customization options could unlock over time. And K-pop itself already heavily revolves around aesthetics, styling, branding, and visual identity, so it makes perfect sense for fashion and customization to become a major gameplay mechanic.

There should also be multiple ways to experience gameplay depending on what mood you’re in!

Some days, players might want a heavily story-driven experience where they focus on dialogue, emotional choices, scandals, romance, and branching narratives. At other times, they might be in the mood for more task-oriented gameplay focused on completing schedules, quests, mini-games, side missions, training exercises, performances, or open-world exploration.

And ideally, players should be able to switch between those styles fluidly instead of choosing one permanently. (Is this common in a lot of games? I feel like it’s not, but it is at the same time? I don’t know.)

For example, one gameplay session could involve deeply emotional conversations with a group member after a scandal nearly tears the group apart, while the next could involve wandering around Tokyo at night buying snacks from vending machines and playing rhythm games at an arcade because you felt like relaxing instead of progressing the main storyline.

The music and choreography systems could also be for the people who are most interested in music production and stuff. They should genuinely be able to create songs within the game through simplified producing mechanics inspired by DJ or music-making software. Not necessarily hyper-realistic professional production software, but enough for players to experiment with beats, melodies, concepts, lyrics, and arrangement styles. Maybe you could save and post your songs somewhere in-game as well, so you can share them with other players. And for choreography-focused players, there could be systems for creating choreography, formations, and dance routines. (I’m just thinking about Monster High and GirlsGoGames games where you could do a simplified version of this haha I don’t have any in-depth ideas for this one, sorry).

Also, imagine creating a comeback concept from scratch! I think that would be really fun. You could produce the song, assign the parts, design outfits, create the choreo, plan the MV concept, film teaser content, and organize the comeback promotions…

(Now I’m thinking this game could also have comeback design as a challenge, or this could be its own gameplay mode - or maybe this could be a whole version of the game where instead of playing as an idol, you play as the manager, creative director, or other staff member!)

And back to the performances - the performance mechanics could become even more immersive, too. As I mentioned earlier, performances should require actual focus and timing, but there could also be optional motion-based gameplay inspired by games like Just Dance, where players physically perform choreography using motion controls, cameras, or VR systems. (Again, a whole different game could be made from this…I would absolutely cut up if I could play this. Genuinely, the MJ Experience all over again.) And singing modes could exist, too, for players who want a more karaoke-style experience.

The game could also include a crap ton of smaller activities, side quests, mini-games, and random interactions that would make the world feel more dynamic. I’ve been brainstorming some for the last few days, and so far, I’ve come up with things like:

• decorating birthday cafés for members (also maybe another game or game mode where you can play as a fan too?!)

• buying gifts for members, friends, or romantic partners

• filming apology videos after scandals (lol)

• participating in chaotic variety show cooking competitions

• airport navigation gameplay, where you avoid getting mobbed

• hiding from sasaengs (smh)

• recording behind-the-scenes content (haven’t thought much about how this would work)

• getting trapped in awkward interviews and having to navigate them without it becoming a PR nightmare (what if there were timed questions that you had to answer within, like, 5 seconds, and your answer affected the whole rest of the gameplay? The pressure!!)

• decorating lightsticks and fan merch (cute!)

• organizing fan projects

And another thing - because the game would be so socially driven, even random interactions could spiral into completely different outcomes depending on player choices.

A simple late-night conversation with another trainee could evolve into a lifelong friendship, a rivalry, a secret relationship, or a betrayal years later. A random livestream moment could accidentally become a viral meme that permanently changes your idol’s public image. One chance interaction at an awards show could lead to a future acting opportunity, collaboration, or feud. And so on!

And I mentioned this earlier, but the internet itself could honestly feel like its own explorable gameplay system.

Players could spend hours scrolling fake social media feeds reading fan theories, hate comments, memes, edits, shipping discourse, viral fancams, rumor threads, and comeback reactions. Bubble-style messaging systems could let idols communicate with fans privately, strengthening fan loyalty while simultaneously worsening parasocial relationships over time if boundaries aren’t maintained carefully.

And then stuff like modding and community-created content could make the game even better because players could create custom idols, fictional companies, new storylines, choreography packs, fashion collections, dorm layouts, concerts, variety shows, fanmade scandals, and could even unofficially recreate real idol groups.

Now, Unfortunately…The Logistics of it All.

Long sigh

So, those were all my ideas. Now…

Pack it up. Fun’s over, chi.

I truly have so many thoughts about and ideas for this - as I said, I’ve thought about it since I got into Kpop in 2020 - and as much fun as it is to think about, and as much as I will continue to fume over and complain about the idol industry not jumping all over making a game like this…I do realize it’d be damn near impossible and probably straight-up irresponsible to make it.

First of all…

The Parasocialism of it all.

Kpop stans are already deranged - and don’t argue with me. I’ve been here for six years. I know how y’all get down.

One of the biggest reasons a game like this would probably scare entertainment companies half to death is because y’all do not know how to act as it is. A game where players can “live as” idols, form emotional relationships with idols, date idols, sneak around with idols, customize idols, build careers with idols, and spend literal hundreds of hours emotionally attached to these characters could intensify parasocial behavior badly.

Especially if real idols were involved. As you’ll recall, I mentioned wanting a version of this game where you can play, not just as original characters, but as real-life idols. But that would just increase the insanity.

We already live in a world where fans track idols through airports, invade their privacy, track down their hotels, get angry when idols date, send protest trucks over line distributions…The list goes on.

Now imagine adding an ultra-immersive simulation game into that environment.

Absolutely not. That would get weird very fast.

(However, if any game developers want to make this for me, and me only…That would work because I’m sane! Contact me!)

Anyway, even if the game only used fictional idols instead of real ones, I still think there would be concerns. People form emotional attachments to fictional characters all the time already. That’s completely normal. But a game this immersive could blur the line between “character attachment” and something much more intense, especially if the NPCs are advanced enough to remember conversations, react dynamically to your choices, develop relationships over time, and emotionally respond to your actions. At a certain point, you stop feeling like you’re just “playing a game” and start feeling emotionally embedded in an artificial social world. And that’s…Not safe for a lot of people.

The Fans (and Fanwars)

Fan wars would probably become completely unbearable if real idols were playable.

People would absolutely get angry about stat rankings, member portrayals, popularity levels, romance systems, screentime distribution (chi…), visual rankings (this would never work), skill ratings (would be a bloodbath), personality depictions, and perceived favoritism.

One fandom would accuse the game of sabotaging their group, while another fandom would accuse developers of favoritism because somebody’s fave got a stronger skill set, a better storyline, or more customization options. If a game like this were to become massively popular, there would probably be discourse every single day, and we would never know rest again.

Licensing and Legalities…

Using real idols, specifically, would be damn near impossible, legally.

The music licensing alone would probably be a complete nightmare. To use real songs, choreography, albums, idol likenesses, logos, lightsticks, fashion references, and branding, developers would need permissions from entertainment companies, labels, publishers, distributors, choreographers, stylists, and the idols themselves. And considering how competitive and territorial entertainment companies already are, the chances of multiple companies agreeing to place their artists into one giant shared simulation game honestly feel microscopic. But I don’t think it’d be as fun if different companies had different games (would it?) Especially because companies would probably become incredibly nervous about how their artists are portrayed in the game.

If gameplay includes things like dating scandals, fan wars, burnout, cancellation, bullying rumors, mistreatment storylines, or mental health struggles, companies wouldn’t want their artists associated with mechanics like that at all, even if they’re reflective of real industry issues. K-pop companies are already obsessed with image control, so the idea of players triggering scandals or creating controversy involving real idols inside a game environment would probably be viewed as a PR disaster waiting to happen.

Exploitation

There’s also a much heavier concern here that I kept thinking about while writing this article: exploitation.

While all of this sounds incredibly fun and immersive from a gameplay perspective, the idol industry itself contains such dark realities as it is. Things like exploitation, overworking, emotional isolation, stalking, invasive beauty standards, manipulation, cyberbullying, privacy invasion, and severe mental health struggles are all real parts of the industry. At a certain point, a game like this would just be profiting off those issues. I even felt insensitive just writing about the effects on the characters’ mental health if they went through a scandal, struggled as a trainee, etc. I just think something like this could turn real dystopian real quick.

The Technicalities…

I actually don’t know anything about coding, game development - nothing. But even I know this would be borderline impossible to pull off. The scale of this game would be absurd. And after going down multiple Reddit Rabbit holes, I’ve found what are some big words for Elmo, but I’ll use them anyway: It would seem that to make a world this interactive and immersive, developers would need: branching storylines, dialogue systems, huge animation libraries, dynamic social systems, memory systems, realistic performance mechanics, massive open-world maps with customizable environments, tons of fashion and decor assets, online multiplayer systems, and more.

And it would all have to be ginormous or pretty much endless to make it as realistic as I envision.

Needless to say, that’s an insane amount of content, and balancing all of it would probably be incredibly difficult too because if the game becomes too realistic, it risks becoming emotionally exhausting instead of fun. But if it becomes too unrealistic, it loses the immersive qualities that make the concept interesting in the first place.

Ratings and censorship.

I know trainees are usually toddler age IRL, but in this game, I picture every character being 18+, and the ideal player base would be, too. Still, the game would contain dating, scandals, online harassment, fan service, mental health themes, and likely heavy emotional content. So, different countries would probably rate the game completely differently depending on how realistically those themes were portrayed. Which would cause accessibility complications, I’m sure.

No More…Dream

In conclusion, I’m never going to get this game.

The only bright side is that maybe you desperately want it too, now, and thus, you get to suffer with me.!

Whew. It feels good to get all my thoughts out, finally, but my apologies if anything is incorrect, redundant, or all over the place. I was so excited while writing this that I could barely get my thoughts together, and even while editing, I was struggling to organize everything in a neat way. But I think it turned out pretty good! Thanks for reading!

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This article only has 18 reads and deserves WAY more love! Another concept article - what if there were the Olympics for the arts, for everyday people, or for innovators and inventors? We need it, and I want other people to shout it from the rooftops with me! Give it a read <3

Computer Time

If you were a kid in the early 2000s, I’m sure you remember having a computer desk in the living room or den - maybe even the kitchen or dining room - where the clunky family computer sat unused for a majority of the day, until your parents finally gave you permission to scamper over to it, pop in a CD with a wonky 2D game on it, and spend an hour (and thirty minutes, if you begged hard enough) playing to your heart’s content. Then, despite your whining, you were firmly told to climb out of the computer chair and get back to real life until the next day’s computer time came around.

Yeah, we all need to get back to that.

Back then, there was nothing worse than the computer limit, which seemed too short. There was never enough time to explore all the Flash games I wanted to play, watch all the Shane Dawson and PewdiePie videos I wanted (God Bless - remember, I was a child back then…I didn’t know…), and roam around Poptropica as much as I wanted to. I dreaded being called away from the beloved computer desk, and I wanted nothing more than to be an adult with all the freedom in the world to remain on the interweb for as long as I damn well pleased.

But little did I know, we all (or rather, our parents all) had the right idea back then.

There’s no reason to constantly be hopping between online and offline. Simultaneously existing in real life and in the very real world of the internet at all times is too much. Life was better when the World Wide Web was a place you visited for a short time every day rather than a place you resided in and roamed around freely on a full-time basis, all day, every day.

So, this quarter, I’d love to return to having a designated space for my computer and other electronics to reside and a designated time for me to visit them - and then I’d love to forget about them after that time is up.

Won’t be easy, but maybe it won’t be as hard as I think either. Placing my phone on my desk alongside my iPad and computer will feel the hardest - what about when I want to write out a quick note for something to Google later? What about when a song pops into my head and I want to listen to it real quick? What about when I want to read a book I don’t physically own yet? - but I’m going to do it anyway and try my best to forget about it until my hour of computer time comes around.

I think this will give me much more time to do other things anyway. Other things such as…

Play Time

Having play time.

Much of this post is just me reframing the things I already kinda do in a more “fun” or “different” way to encourage me to re-engage with them again. This is one of those things.

Coming into this year, I was essentially calling this my “Garden Hour: Watering the Garden of Me” time. Essentially, a designated hour each day where I focused on enjoying a hobby or doing something creative or crafty. I haven’t totally gotten out of it, but I don’t have that designated hour at the same time each day the way I did earlier this year. And I can feel my focus on carving out creative and hobby time for myself each day slipping more and more as the months pass, too. So, it’s time for a reset. And this time, I’m reframing it as my “play time.”

Perhaps it’s my obsession with nostalgia, longing to return to the early 2000s, or my being fed up with adulthood and mourning my childhood more and more as the years pass, but I kinda think that returning to doing things the way we did in our childhood is the key to happiness and fulfillment in adulthood.

Again, I think we had the right idea back then. There are so many things that kids are encouraged to do that get forgotten about as we enter adulthood - Hell, as we enter our preteen and teenage years, even - and this is why we’re all miserable as we get older. The things we do in our childhood are essential for our happiness and well-being at any age, if you ask me.

Play time being one of those things.

We need to have time to “play,” to do arts, to do crafts, to explore, to be creative, to use our imagination, to reward ourselves with doing the things that make us happy, fulfill us, or that we just genuinely enjoy doing after having to do things that drain us, require us to be responsible, or that we don’t particularly like.

When we were kids, after we finished with school and homework, we got snacks and computer time and time to run around outside or dig through our toy box.

As adults, after work and taking care of other responsibilities - bills, taxes, whatever the hell - we need to be rewarding ourselves with things that don’t require anything of us besides enjoyment. Not perfection, accuracy, responsibility - just enjoyment.

We need to be drawing and painting even if we suck at it, lounging around eating fruit and listening to new music, crocheting, diamond painting, knitting, sewing, punch needling, doing those Disney mystery color by number coloring books and crime search word search puzzle books, enjoying those mini scene sticker books that let you decorate cozy rooms with stickers, staring at the wall and sucking on our damn fingers if that’s all we want to do - whatever.

(Okay - maybe let’s not bring back the finger sucking, but you get my drift.)

We have to return to having play time and relaxation time.

That’s one thing I’ll be (re)prioritizing this quarter.

And it’s worth noting that I know a lot of hobbies require buying a lot of new items, which is often another reason why many of us don’t get into new hobbies often. But don’t use a price tag as an excuse not to prioritize hobbies either.

You better go to that library and pay the $5 it’ll likely cost to print off 50 or so coloring sheets. Or better yet, see what activities and events the library has coming up, because they usually always have more than you’d expect, often for free. Or go outside and make pulling strings of grass out of the ground your hobby again, the way it was as a child. Or ask your friends and family if they have puzzles, books, board games, or other craft materials that they aren’t using. Do an exchange with them. Or spend your bill money for the month getting your arts and crafts and hobby material - aside from the rent money - because what’s the worst that can happen?

(this is a joke.

Unless…

No, but this is a joke. We still have to be responsible adults, I guess. So pay your bills instead of buying the scrapbooking and jewelry-making materials…I guess.)

Toy Box

AND ANOTHER THING!

It’s time to bring back having toy boxes, too! The joy of having an entire big bin of items that all bring you happiness to dig through is unmatched!

Keep all your arts, crafts, and hobby items in one bin that you can dig through whenever you’re bored. That way, when you need to destress or find items that you know you’ll enjoy “playing” with, they’ll all be in one place.

I’m going to attempt to find the space to keep my own toy box this quarter and try to fill it up exclusively with items that make me feel gleeful as hell!

Play Pretend Time

One last thing that needs to be brought back from our childhood days is pretend play!

We used to sit and pretend our bedrooms were classrooms and force our stuffed animals to attend school. We turned cardboard boxes into rocket ships, couches into castles, and the floor into lava. We spent entire afternoons “flying” around the house with our arms stretched out like airplane wings, fully convinced we were moments away from takeoff. We gotta bring that back immediately!

Honestly, I included this for manifestation purposes, but before I get into that, if you’re not into manifestation, you could bring back playing pretend by doing something like pretending you’re a world-famous explorer while taking a walk around your neighborhood. Or pretending your morning coffee is being served aboard a luxury train crossing the countryside. Pretend you’re the host of a cooking show while making dinner, too. Why not?! It’s whimsical! It may make you feel silly, but that’s the point! The point isn’t realism. The point is delight!

And for the Law of Assumption manifestation gals and pals like me - I want to bring back play pretend time in the sense of giving myself some time to saturate in the state of the wish fulfilled.

This is essentially just a saturation session or time to live in the end, reframed as play pretend time. This is a time for having inner conversations, scripting, visualizing, etc.

I want to spend an hour a day diving deep into the state, mentality, mindset, and reality of the person who has the things I desire. If I want to manifest a Lamborghini, for example, then I want to spend an hour pretending I’m riding around it, visualizing the way it looks, imagining the way it feels to ride around in, having an inner conversation with a friend I’m driving around about how I managed to get the car in the first place, etc.

Especially because I feel like so many of us so often get sucked into the trap of thinking about the things we want 24/7, yet never shift our thoughts to those of the person who already has them. Like…The amount of time I spend sitting around thinking “I wish I had more money” is insane. Meanwhile, I go weeks and months without actually sitting and visualizing, scripting, having inner convos, etc., about the things I’d be doing and enjoying if I actually had the money, making plans as if I had the money, allowing myself to tap into the feeling of me having the money, and so on. It’s ridiculous!

From mid-May through June, I got back on track with manifestation and manifested a lot of things I wanted, but still, I want to give myself even more time to truly exist as the person I wish to be and who has the things I want to have. So giving myself this daily extended play pretend time is definitely high up on the list of things I want to do to create Romancivity in my life this quarter!

Read-a-thons

Honestly, I’ve been slacking with my reading since March. I haven’t read a book since then, and I’ve even slacked up on reading Substack articles, which feels even worse, because I want to make sure I’m carving out time to support the people who have been reading my work and supporting me.

If I can make time for literally everything else, surely I can carve out enough time to ensure I’m not contributing to the literacy crisis.

Having read-a-thons could be a fun way to make sure I’m reading enough! Daily hour-long “read-a-thons” would be nice. Perhaps a day-long read-a-thon once or twice a month would be a nice challenge for me! And I’d love it if it could be a community-based thing. I’ve never used my subscriber chat feature, but maybe once a month, my subscribers and I could spend the day reading “together?” I don’t know how it would work, but it sounds fun.

Also, while on the topic, I’m not sure how likely I am to do this since I have so many other things going on, but I keep having this idea of taking the time to create a magazine or sort of coffee table book filled with Substack articles I want to read (especially ones I’ve been putting off) because I think that’d be a great way to express my creativity, get some graphic design practice (I could really try my best to make it aesthetic and add plenty of graphics), and most importantly, it would force me to read the articles I’ve been putting off for ages. I’d like to make it a very big book filled with 50 to 100 posts. It’d be a nice memento to keep on my desk, too.

I don’t know how I feel about printing other people’s work off without permission, even if it’s just for private use, though. I don’t think most people would mind, but I’m not sure. And I’m sure designing it and making an aesthetic layout would be very time-consuming, but it’s a project I’d love to challenge myself to try one day. Maybe I could start with something on a smaller scale - like a book that includes only 25 articles or something. And honestly, I’d love to make a version that includes my own work exclusively, too. Again, a great memento to keep.

I don’t know - I thought it was worth mentioning since it’s been on my mind, and maybe someone else would like to try this as well.

And also x2, I desperately want a book club where we all get to read whatever we want, but we berate each other relentlessly if we don’t meet our reading goals hold each other accountable to ensure we all meet our reading goals, and also become besties and have other fun conversations unrelated to books, and maybe do crafts and hobbies together or something. A girl can dream.

Monthly Portfolio Growth Projects

This is more of a “career growth and productivity” addition than it is one to add romance and creativity into your life, I guess. But for me, it is a way to create romancivity in my life.

I’m a nerd. And I absolutely love my job. There’s genuinely nothing that makes me feel more giddy with excitement than adding new pieces to my portfolio. When I think about ways to showcase my capabilities through my portfolio pieces and projects, I start maniacal cackling because it makes me so excited.

Perhaps it’s because there’s nothing I love more than killing multiple purely metaphorical birds with one stone. Getting to do something fun and creative that simultaneously boosts my portfolio allows me to do that!

For instance, I adore writing, and I adore music, and I adore writing about music. Since I’m trying to dig my way deeper into the music industry and am more interested in working in it now, writing about music helps me boost my portfolio since it shows my ability to do so and to understand artists. My Creative Spotlight series allows me to discover more emerging artists - which is something I’ve been wanting to do - and get to know more about them and their music, while simultaneously showcasing my ability to interview and understand artists.

My album reports give me so much genuine joy to write, and they’ve come in handy as portfolio pieces as well.

I’ve been wanting to try my hand in making zines for years, and recently, I’ve made a few with topics on fan engagement and artist EPKs, etc. I desperately needed more visuals in my portfolio to showcase my ability to create graphics when necessary, and to demonstrate my knowledge of those topics, so those zines have come in handy. And they were extremely fun to make.

You see what I mean?

Writing about music and making zines is something I do for fun in my free time, but I’m also tailoring them to suit my portfolio and help me advance in my career. So even when I’m being creative and having fun, I’m simultaneously being productive, which I love!

For my next portfolio-boosting projects, I really want to write about some fan engagement & audience connection ideas I have for Megan thee Stallion, make a zine dedicated to an artist I’m going to make up from scratch (from her branding to world-building to everything else - which will allow me to return to the fun of brainstorming for fictional characters and worlds, which is something I’ve wanted to return to for a long time!) and create an entire fan engagement ecosystem and case study for a small artist (which will allow me to create lots of graphics and mock-ups, which is great!)

All great portfolio additions, all great fun!

Sorry. I’m done now.

Anyway.

I’ve kinda been doing this for a while, but I want to get more intentional with it by giving myself a monthly project to complete instead of doing them at random. That’ll give me a full month to work toward it, so I can do bigger projects that way, anyway. And since I’ll intentionally be carving out time in my schedule to work on it, I’ll end up with more portfolio pieces, more often.

I highly recommend this if you’ve been wanting to add more pieces to your portfolio, too. Especially if you’re trying to shift careers. Like, if you’re working in tech but you’ve always wanted to be a fashion writer or a social media manager in the beauty niche, for example. Definitely spend some time writing fashion pieces or creating graphics for mock beauty social media accounts. You may not have been hired for the job just yet, but you don’t need permission (or to be hired) to start transitioning into that career right now! Become the person who has that career even before you’ve landed the job - that’s how you’ll land it anyway!

Bonus - Weekly Workshop

It’s also worth noting that I’ve recently been thinking about having a weekly “workshop” or learning day to boost my portfolio and resume.

I don’t have a college degree, and seeing only my high school graduation under the education section of my resume has been making me insecure for ages. So, why not finally do something about that?

I love a good certificate course, and I should definitely start taking more of them. The few certificates I’ve earned don’t feel relevant enough to put on my resume anymore, so it’s time to take a few new ones!

I have a million things going on right now, so studying is something I’ve been trying to get back to for ages, but it always gets pushed aside in favor of doing client work or brand work or literally anything else. But I’m sick of feeling like I’m lacking knowledge that I should absolutely have, all because I keep not prioritizing studying.

All this to say that at least once a week lately, I’m usually low enough on energy to spend the entirety of the day working on admin tasks or light portfolio pieces. That’s been great, but I could spend that one day a week studying instead. A lot of the courses I want to take are only 1 to 6 hours anyway, and many of them are covering topics I’m already familiar with but feel I have a slight knowledge gap in. So most of them can be completed within 1 to 2 days, and I can make my resume look a tad bit more impressive in no time!

If you similarly want to squeeze in some time for learning, I definitely recommend framing your weekly study day in a fun way that’ll help you feel more motivated to stick with it.

A cute name is the key to making me stick with anything! If you’re the same way, then here are some suggestions:

• Creative Academy Day

• Learning Lab Day

• Brain Boost Day

• Build & Bloom Day

• Creative Sprint Day

• Skill Stack Day

Let’s all do well on our learning journeys!

화이팅! (Hwaiting)

More Run BTS

I’m notoriously bad at watching things. Especially things that I haven’t already seen before. (If you read my media consumption posts, I’m sure you’ve already picked up on this.) So, I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve probably seen only 5 or 6 Run BTS episodes in full despite being an Army since 2020. Or perhaps closer to 10 - I don’t remember.

In 2020, I started learning Korean and attempted to use watching the show as part of my learning experience (not a good idea - I did not learn a single thing from it, not even the rules of the games, which BTS themselves never even understood, but as we know, that only added to the fun of it all). I quickly realized it wasn’t going to work for that, but of course, I kept watching the episodes anyway, since I was an army and just wanted to enjoy BTS content anyway, and the episodes were always so funny.

2020 was the worst year I’ve ever experienced aside from 2025, and watching the Run BTS episodes was often the only time I stopped sobbing long enough to smile or laugh. The show was definitely there for me when I needed it most. If I’d returned to watching it during my tumultuous 2025, surely I would’ve had more happy moments that year. And now, my 2026 is going better, but I could (always) still invite more joy into my life, and there’s quite literally no better way to do that than to start watching Run BTS again.

Not to exaggerate, but watching Run BTS episodes daily could easily make the difference between ending up in grippy socks or staying in the comfort of your own home, even when your mental health declines far enough to reside within the darkness of the gutters.

Truly, it’s not possible to describe how much of a comfort this show is to non-armys, but I hope some army find this post and can share this understanding!

So anyway, yes, I need to add watching this back into my daily rotation. Cuddling underneath the blankets after work with a nice cup of tea and a candle lit while watching this, especially during the fall…

So, that’s it. These are my ideas for ways to create more Romancivity in my life during this third quarter of 2026!

I’m sure a lot of people have long-forgotten the goals they had coming into this year by now, or given up on doing the things we said we’d do - like romanticizing our lives in these small ways - but it’s a fresh new quarter, and that means it’s a great time for a reboot!

Even if it’s just one thing, definitely try doing something that’ll add some romance and creativity to your life this quarter!

If you try out any of these things that I’m doing, I hope you’ll let me know! And likewise, if there are any other things you’re trying out, I want to know as well because I’m always looking for new ways to add more whimsy, joy, and vibrancy into my life!

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BONUS: A Few Things That Have Been Making Me Happy Lately

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This post may ruffle some feathers, which I generally don’t like to do, so apologies in advance. And I don’t mean to invalidate anyone else’s lived experience or look at things from an overly simple, easy, black-and-white perspective. But this is something that has lingered in the depths of my mind for years, so I figured I’d better write about it now, especially as I see at least 3 or 4 posts per day about people finally leaving Instagram, deleting Twitter from their phone, or nuking their TikTok account completely.

Don’t get me wrong; I love to see it. More power to anyone doing those things for the sake of their mental health, and I’m glad that finally working up the courage to get rid of the apps that bring toxicity into their lives is such a transformative moment for a lot of people.

But I must admit, every time I see this kind of post, I struggle to understand it.

I genuinely wish I didn’t because it’s such a common experience, but I’ve never felt that my real life, mindset, or insecurities were deeply affected by anything I’ve seen on any social media platform. And I’ve never felt like I needed to come off one for the sake of my mental health - at least not in the sense that I feel bad about myself or get triggered when I see what others are posting about their lives.

I do take social media breaks occasionally - maybe even consistently - but only because I think it’s good to come offline and spend more time doing things aside from scrolling, like reading or engaging in hobbies.

Sometimes, I naturally drift away from socials without meaning to, realize I did 1 to 3 months later, and then return to them out of curiosity, too. But that’s the extent of it.

Meanwhile, coming off social media - particularly, Instagram, I’ve noticed - seems like a necessary and life-changing experience for what is starting to feel like everyone else. As always, I’m wondering why I’m the odd one out, and also, why social media affects some people so deeply, while it isn’t taken as seriously by other people at all.

One conclusion I’ve come to over the years, through noticing the way people talk about their social media usage habits, is that many people are miserable online because they are not curating their social media spaces at all. Of course, this isn’t the only reason - there are many other ones - but seriously…This is a big reason.

So, think of this post as me shaking your shoulders wildly and slapping you across the face to snap you out of the illusion that you must tolerate nonsense on social media when, actually, you absolutely do not.

And I realize not everyone’s sour relationship with social media is just because of a lack of TL curation, so if the shoe fits, wear it; if it doesn’t, don’t.

Now…

For starters, people aren’t utilizing the block button.

Have you ever seen one of those videos of someone talking about how they got blocked by a celebrity, influencer, or even just a fellow user? They act shocked, sometimes even appalled, as they point to the screenshot evidence of them having been blocked by that person, and they make a big deal of asking, “What did I even do? I don’t even think I did anything!” Oftentimes, they laugh sheepishly as they act like it’s weird that the person blocked them for “no reason” and ask their audience to go over to the other person’s comment section and harass them ask them about why they were blocked. Other times, they say things like, “We’ve never even interacted before,” or “The thing I said or did that made them block me wasn’t even that deep, and they took it the complete wrong way! Let me explain the situation…”

I can tell by the way people are absolutely aghast at being blocked that they aren’t using their own block button either.

To me, blocking is no big deal. I block people for anything and everything I so happen to think is deserving of a block at the time. I’ve blocked people for being bigots, arguing in my mentions, filling my timeline with posts I didn’t like via liking or reposting them, saying something mildly annoying, stupid, or that I didn’t agree with, laughing at a joke I don’t find funny, simply annoying me in the moment, and the list goes on and on.

Of course, if it’s an IRL friend or a mutual I’ve had good interactions with, I’m not as quick to block, but if it’s literally anyone else, I block immediately.

The problem is, I think people don’t treat their social media like the dictatorship it is.

Why should I be subjected to people, posts, talking points, or anything else that piss me off on my own device, that I pay the bill for, in my own rare bit of free time, which I’m using to scroll, by strangers on the internet that I don’t know from a can of paint and never will?

It doesn’t make sense to me.

I’ve seen people say everything from, “I don’t want to be mean and permanently block,” to “A permanent block is only for people who do and say the worst of the worst things; otherwise, I’ll just tolerate them.”

We all make up different rules that make perfect sense to us for how we like to go about using social media, and we create different protocols for handling nonsense based on what feels right to us. - and that’s valid. Like I said, you are the one behind your social media accounts, and nobody can beat your ass about how you choose to use them, so by all means, create your own rules and follow them.

But if your own rules aren’t cutting it or make you downright unhappy, why do you feel the need to stick to them? Plenty of people who have the above-mentioned rules say that they can’t stand seeing certain accounts on their feed or hate being bombarded with a certain user’s content, yet they won’t block them.

Why? Do you think you owe some random user you don’t know loyalty? Is it because you insist it’s “too mean” to block them? Who cares if it’s too mean, though? Nobody’s gonna take you out back and shoot you for blocking someone who, by your own predefined standards, deserved it. What are the consequences of being “too mean” via blocking people on social media, exactly? Are you going to be taken to the guillotine over it? I just don’t get it.

Of course, there are other things you can do aside from blocking people if you don’t want to see or interact with them online anymore.

You can unfollow them, soft-block them to ensure they’ve unfollowed you without them even having to know about it, or simply mute them so you don’t have to see their posts anymore. (Allegedly. Although I stress the use of the block button so much because the mute button often doesn’t work well enough.)

But again, there are some people who won’t do this. They think unfollowing someone is “rude,” soft-blocking is “sneaky,” and muting is still “too harsh.”

So they don’t do anything about whatever people or posts they’re seeing that are causing them discomfort, and instead, feel themselves being overtaken by dread each time they log into their socials.

But newsflash: you don’t owe anyone a follow, and you’re allowed to be harsh when it’s for the sake of protecting your own peace. We all deal with so many things in real life that we can’t just opt out of, so I don’t see the point in making our experience on social media feel the same way when we can easily curate our social space to be what we actually enjoy.

Utilize the mute buttons and mute accounts and words you don’t want to see. Spin the block and block them, even better. There doesn’t even need to be some big, grand reason for this. You can literally just decide you no longer want to see them and act accordingly.

And learn to click the “not interested” button, too. Better yet, learn to see that whatever is on your feed is nonsense you want nothing to do with and scroll with all the rapidity of Toji Fushiguro dodging fatherly and financial responsibility.

People linger on and engage with the content they don’t like quite often. Watching all the way through, commenting, and even making your own posts about the subject…This is why the algorithm assumes you like the nonsense you see and shoves more of it in your face, thus leading you to feel miserable every time you log on.

If the girl with your dream body makes you want to die every time you see her, it’s time to block her. If constant posts about politics are sending you spiraling down a dark hole of despair, mute every political word you can think of, block politicians on all platforms, and find a healthier way to stay up to date with current news. If someone you followed back in 2016 spam posts memes from that era that you couldn’t care less about, unfollow them. If someone likes a post that you can’t stand, block the person who posted it and the one who liked it, too, if you want.

Whatever you want to see frequently - whether it’s fashion, beauty, positivity toward an artist you love instead of hate, recipes, cat videos, nostalgic games, whatever - seek that stuff out and engage with it nonstop until it takes over your FYP. And stop engaging with things you don’t like seeing. This is how I’ve enjoyed my online experience for years.

I’m not saying anything revolutionary in this post - it feels like the most nothingburger, surface-level, and innately obvious post I’ve ever made, and I’m sure a lot of people don’t have such a horrible relationship with social media solely because they don’t block people on it, but at the same time, there are still so many people who engage with their social media like a hostage in a hostage situation instead of a dictator who gets to decide the rules around this motherfucker - and that’s just one of a few reasons people feel so unhappy when they get online.

So, if this resonates, I hope you learn to understand that you don’t owe anyone online anything, really. You have every right to make your scrolling experience a good one instead of one filled with dread. If you want to come off social media for any reason, then good for you, do it; but don’t allow yourself to be run off just because you don’t want to be “mean,” “harsh,” or “extra.”

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I am a perfectionist, and trying in many ways not to be. Hence, my Open Drawer exists. An area where I’m going to attempt to allow myself to be imperfect.

Marginalia is one small part of my Open Drawer. It’s where I’ll write some thoughts I’ve had that aren’t fully fleshed out, perfectly outlined, and proofread thrice. Thoughts I don’t feel like writing an in-depth article about at the moment, but who knows, maybe one day.

Overall, Marginalia is where you can find the thoughts, ideas, worries, and whatever else that exists within the margins of my brain.

Here are a few of them, now. Here’s Marginalia 01.

I. It’s Okay if I’m Not Perfect on Substack, but is it?

This seems like a fitting place to start.

I’m a freelance writer. Writing is my entire career. So, my relationship with it has changed drastically since my days of writing Wattpad fanfiction at 12. Over the last couple of years, I’ve gotten so accustomed to double, triple, quadruple-checking that my writing contains no errors, no plot holes, no imperfections at all - to the point where I now feel almost incapable of just writing casually and being fine with any mistakes that may still be present by the time I click post.

I write memoirs and autobiographies for people who want to tell their life stories, blog posts and copy for brand owners who want to grow their online presence and get more eyes on their business, self-help books for coaches, artist bios, EPKs, personal stories, and practically everything else for musicians, fiction novels for whoever’s decided they want to start an ebook-selling side hustle most recently, and the list goes on and on.

These projects are important. They’re important to my clients, who want to see their innermost thoughts and long-festering ideas transformed into something tangible (and preferably, something that will sell well enough to recoup whatever pennies they paid me to write it).

I’m especially careful when it comes to writing the deeply personal projects. Most of my clients quite literally share every detail about their lives with me, often reliving their deepest, darkest trauma and trusting me to write it in a respectful yet accurate way.

So, naturally, I put the utmost care into writing something as close to perfect as possible every time someone decides to work with me. Even though I’m just the barely-credited ghostwriter for most of these projects (which is fine with me), I still want to achieve the closest thing to perfection with my writing because I think:

• They’re paying for it and looking to have this thing they’ve been dreaming of for years written. It needs to be perfect.

• They trusted me with their story and gave me the job out of all the other applicants. I won’t make them regret it.

• This writing will live on forever. Even if only one person reads it, it’s still something that I wrote, and it will exist for all eternity. So, it needs to be perfect.

This kind of mindset is productive when it comes to writing for a living, and I’m sure it’s the reason I’m pretty sure I’ve never gotten less than a four-star rating from a writing client in all my years of writing professionally.

But is it a productive way to think when it comes to me writing personal pieces for fun? No.

I think I should give myself the space to be imperfect sometimes. That’s part of the reason I started my Substack.

I had a billion thoughts, ideas, interests, and topics swarming around in my head, and for years, I’ve wished I had someone to talk to in detail about them or somewhere to write them where other people would see, and I wouldn’t just be trapped inside the void, talking to myself. I could’ve just started a blog or something, but I never thought it was worth it. That thought cost me a lot. Imagine what I would’ve gotten done throughout the years if I hadn’t had a trillion thoughts rattling around endlessly inside my head when I could’ve just plucked them out and laid them out on a digital platform instead.

But on top of that, I wanted to finally get back to writing things that interested me just for fun, with no pressure to be perfect. I thought I’d join Substack and post a million articles no one would see or care about, and I wouldn’t proofread them or force myself to come up with the perfect sentence or give myself any deadlines or anything.

Three months later- four at the time of me posting this - and I have strayed far from the original plot.

I’ve created a posting schedule which has resulted in me having deadlines to meet, I have yet to post an article without proofreading it beforehand (this one should be the exception), and I pour just as much thought and care into my Substack articles as I do my client work. I even spend time making graphics for each of them so they’re more visually appealing, although I’m not that good at it (but I’ve enjoyed the practice and I can see that I’m improving a bit!)

I don’t really mind any of that stuff. It’s not like I dread proofing and editing. I make the graphics for practice and for fun, and I see deadlines as a challenge that I enjoy taking on. I have fun while outlining, researching, and writing. Especially since what I write about here is what I’m genuinely interested in.

What I do mind, though, is the way I’ve slowly started looking around and wondering if even my best work is good enough to be posted on this platform. The thought creeps into my head quite rarely - maybe only three times by now - but I don’t like it.

I don’t feel confident posting raw or messy writing here because I worry that even my best writing isn’t good enough for the platform. Everyone here is so intelligent, so incredible at articulating themselves, so well-informed about current issues, so eloquent in the way they write.

People are using, like, twenty words I’ve never heard of before within just one of their posts. I frequently come across works that remind me of the classic literature you’d read in high school English class. I don’t even like poetry, but some of the poetry here is mind-blowing.

Being surrounded by greatness, it’s difficult to see yourself as great, too.

But I’m reminding myself that it’s a blessing to be able to learn so much just by reading other people’s work here. I’ve read more in the past three months since joining the platform than I read in the past two or three years combined, so that’s a blessing, too. And everyone here is so supportive that even if I sometimes feel my writing isn’t up to par, there’s always someone here who leaves a kind comment that reassures me it is.

I’m trying to focus on my strengths, too. I don’t have any formal education, which is sometimes an insecurity. I don’t have a creative writing or journalism degree, and I’ve never even completed a creative writing course (too busy taking other courses), but for that to be the case, I’m still not a bad writer, and I’ve still managed to make a career out of doing what I love, so that’s great.

I may not be able to write passages that could rival Shakespeare the way some people here can, but I think I do a good job of writing complicated, nuanced topics in a way anyone could understand, realistic character dialogue, and I have a good instinct for what’ll resonate. Plus, I’m great with storytelling, and I have a strong narrative voice. My writing sounds like me. I think that’s something to be proud of.

So, all in all, I think I should nip this insecurity in the bud before it even has time to fully blossom, and realize that different writers are good at different things, which is okay. I’m talented - and I don’t need every post I publish to be perfect just to prove that, either.

I’m fine with how I’m doing things on Substack currently, but this is a reminder to myself that I don’t have to maintain perfection here. I can allow myself to be a bit messy and less structured, too.

II. Of My Own Free Will: Random & Whimsical Activities

Coming into the new year, I wanted to do three things.

1. Start romanticizing my life more.

2. Start expressing my creativity more.

3. Start being a lot more whimsical a lot more often.

I’ve done a good job with the first two, but I’m not sure about the third…

I want to be one of those people who regularly enjoy random side quests. I also want to do things I don’t usually do just for the sake of adding whimsy to my daily rotation.

Some of my ideas coming into this year were:

• Write with only the LEDs/or moon lamp on

• Write in the complete dark

• Listen to music in the dark

• Write a reflection/gratitude letter to/for each month (Make it visually aesthetic)

• Turn written music playlists into visually aesthetic journal pages

(These being my first few “whimsical” ideas should show you we aren’t off to a good start.)

• Join a virtual book club

• Get a pen pal

• Have themed dance parties

(These are better, but I haven’t done any of them yet.)

I constantly feel strapped for time, and none of these things are a high priority, but I’d love to do them before the end of the year, and they’re lingering in my mind, which means I won’t stop thinking about them until I do.

I should probably start with the dance parties. Even before the 20th anniversary Hannah Montana special, I’d been craving to return to my favorite Hannah songs and dance around my bedroom to them while watching hockey. It sounds like a nice way to spend a Friday night.

The next dance party theme could be Disney songs, in general. Then Beyonce, then BTS, then Michael Jackson. And then I could circle back to Disney because Phineas and Ferb deserve a dance party of their own.

III. Normal

My life feels very unique compared to most people’s in a way I’m not willing to dive into right now. Very secluded, and very behind.

I won’t talk much about it, but while I’m jotting down random thoughts from the crevices of my mind, here are a few things I’d like to become my new normal:

• Buying myself flowers on a weekly basis, just because I can.

• Having disposable income (lol)

• Buying myself a new candle each month and letting it be the scent that carries me throughout the month.

• Treating myself to vanilla chai tea and Crème brûlée … Daily? For the tea. Weekly for the Crème brûlée

• Engaging in consumerism more often, apparently.

It’s the little things that I crave the most.

To be fair, it makes sense. The version of me that exists in my head enjoys things like this regularly (although it feels like that version of me is fading more and more into the background as disappointments and crappy circumstances block my vision of her).

Buying things isn’t the solution, really, but I’m going to treat myself to these things when I can to feel some semblance of closeness with her again.

IV. The Pain of Growing Out of Things

I really hate that feeling of slowly losing interest in something that used to mean the world to me. A TV show I watched for hours a day at one point, a movie I rewatched 5,000 times, a book I could reread until the pages fell out, a singer I thought I’d be in love with forever…

Falling out of love is a natural part of life, but I don’t like it. When I love something, I love it deeply, wholeheartedly - until I don’t. Feeling that love shrink and fade really sucks.

I’ve never been in a serious relationship, and I wonder if - given my history of falling out of love with things over time - I might be prone to experiencing the same thing with a person. I should hope not.

Anyway.

I like being a fangirl. I like that one of my hobbies is engaging with fandom culture. I don’t like it when, after years of being a part of the fandom, I barely care enough to check in on the current happenings within it.

Or when I don’t care enough to keep up with the artist or the anime or the game updates or the whatever, and on the few increasingly rare occasions that I do, I feel lost when I look to see what other members of the fandom are talking about because the conversation has long since passed whatever it once was back when I still cared to join in.

This is something I think about a lot, probably because when I get to like something, I really like it for quite some time. Five years minimum, closer to a decade, usually. So, spending all that time caring so deeply about it just to lose that care over time does make me sad.

V. Broke and Ghosted / F.U Money

Recently, I’ve had a client whose project I enjoyed working on a lot ghost me. Gone with no explanation, at the worst possible time. Tax season. And with not really enough in my savings account to just barely handle bills that need to be paid. Despite being told I was doing a great job with the project, and having my writing praised repeatedly, and despite my doing a seemingly good job of saving for the past few months, I’m right back in this familiar position. Broke and Ghosted.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been ghosted by a client - or anyone else - and won’t be the last. But despite this situation stressing me out throughout the entirety of March and ruining my entire month - and still being unresolved as of right now, April 7th, as I write this - I am trying to look at it through an optimistic lens.

Perhaps this is a sign - a message sent directly to me from God, or the universe, or my higher self, or all of the above - that my brand is, yes, just as important as I think it is.

I swear, this isn’t me attempting to advertise (although I do have to get more comfortable with that) but just reflecting, seriously.

I think the thought of creating digital products entered my head in 2023 or 2024, but the thoughts were mostly brief, passing, and they weren’t given much importance. But at the end of 2024, when I was stressed beyond belief and broke with Christmas coming up as per usual, I definitely started thinking about them a lot more seriously. Along with other potential “side hustles.” Because by that point I knew I couldn’t keep going on the way I was.

I worked tirelessly all throughout the Hellish year that was 2025, Hell-bent on creating my brand even when it meant I had to sacrifice - my time, energy, mental health, client work, and payment.

Sometimes (many times) during the process, I felt dumb for taking the time to build a digital product brand instead of doing something like studying marketing and landing better-paying clients through that, or at least just taking as many writing projects as I could instead of working exclusively with one client who paid me $90 a week - $81 after platform fees.

But I kept telling myself that what I was doing was actually very smart and would be worth it in the end. I watched the videos of (legitimate) digital product sellers who made an extra $1k - $5k - $10k per month and felt motivated. If they could do it, why couldn’t I?

I dealt with so many hardships, both personally and in terms of the brand creation, during the process of working toward my launch that it would’ve been easy to quit for literally any reason at literally any time. But the thought of quitting never really crossed my mind. As annoyed and miserable as certain personal circumstances made me feel - and as much as I despised the technical, backend side of the brand creation process - I never once thought to quit, and that was because I knew it was important for me to build something for myself because of times like this.

As I write this, I haven’t even launched my brand/website yet - I’m quite literally launching tomorrow. But still, knowing that I have something that I can call my own and something that could potentially save my butt during moments like this in the future makes me really proud and happy.

I was tired of feeling like a damsel in distress, constantly waiting for a client’s payment approval to come and save me. I was sick of lowering my rates, my standards, and tolerating BS out of fear of losing clients or getting a bad review that would result in me not landing any more work for a while. I was fed up with feeling like I had to hold my breath every time I got a new message from a client, out of fear that they’d end the contract prematurely due to a lack of budget or time to continue or refuse to pay me for whatever reason - even when we were on great terms and I had no reason to think that might be the case. I was exhausted from feeling like a hostage while working with certain clients and an employee who was on the chopping block with others. That’s why building my brand was so important to me. I needed a way to earn money without relying exclusively on often fickle, often-not-above-ghosting clients.

Obviously, as it stands, I’m not quite past feeling like a damsel in distress, hostage, or doomed employee yet. I’m not in a good position at all, right now. But I am at least feeling proud of myself for what I’ve built and hopeful for the future, even while in this in-between phase.

I’d love to be one of those sellers who make $100k per year with my products alone. But even if all I get is an extra $5 bucks here and there, at least I have something I get to call my own. Over time, I think if I keep creating products that can help real people with real problems, my business will grow and thrive. So that’s my goal - keep making lots of useful products, and praying they’ll reach the right people.

(Okay, well - we’re already here, so yes, I’m going to advertise. Check out my brand! I sell law of assumption manifestation resources as well as greeting cards, invitations, and more, coming soon! You can also find my writing services here!)

And one of my (many) other goals?

To have “fuck you” money.

I’ve heard that phrase so many times and never actually paid much attention to it or its meaning. I mean, of course, one can guess what the meaning might be just based on those three words, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, it finally clicked for me why having that kind of money is so important. I’ve always wanted to stack my savings - and have tried many times - but I was thinking more in terms of emergency savings.

To some, those two things are probably the same thing, but to me, they’re very different. To me, emergency savings are what you use to buy a new tire when yours goes flat, bail a friend out of jail, or cover an unexpected medical bill.

“Fuck you” money?

To me, that’s what you never touch, no matter what kind of emergency comes up, and what you always have in your bank, no matter what. A couple of thousand that you can look at before drafting a strongly-worded message to the clients who disrespect you and your time, who don’t bother to communicate with you, or who treat the projects that are your livelihood as a mere side hobby.

I’m not actually that upset with this recent client who ghosted me - it sucks, but what the fuck ever. Life happens, maybe he just got busy or whatever, who knows.

However, I am so over not having that kind of F.U money in my bank. I will do everything in my power to get it. Easier said than done in this economy, but I’ll try my damndest.

And even if it sucks right now, at least I get to feel proud knowing that when this kind of situation comes up in the future - because I worked so hard to launch my brand - maybe just maybe I will have that extra cash in my savings. That way I can enjoy a forced extended break from work without suffering through crippling anxiety and a dozen mental breakdowns.

I’ve created one more basket for my eggs to rest in, and I pray that it was worth it. I think it will be!

VI. I Wish My Fingers Could Type as Fast as the Ideas Enter My Head

I’ve come up with eight more post ideas in the time it’s taken me to write this one, as is always the case when I sit down to write. I have so many cool ideas and not enough time or capacity to write them. I wish I had more time to write and that I didn’t have to spend my free time stressing over clients who ghost and bills that need to be paid, so there’d be even more room for even more ideas.

Lately, I find myself daydreaming about random scenarios that would allow me to take a full year or so off work just to write for Substack and work on my other creative projects.

Winning a lawsuit or getting a settlement. Winning the lottery, of course. Receiving an inheritance from a relative I had no clue existed. Or my favorite - winning a $40,000 Ford F-150 in a giveaway and selling it to someone who’d actually want it. Keeping the profit to live off, of course - aside from stupid taxes.

(Don’t ask me why I specifically dream of winning an F-150. I don’t know. Perhaps it’s because I know the name of it? But I know about Porches, Mustangs, BMWs, etc, too…Whatever, let’s not think too closely about the logistics of my daydreams.)

I can be very frugal. I could take a year off with that kind of money.

Sigh.

I should manifest something like that happening for me, but lately, my mental health has been so far in the gutter that manifesting so much as a spec of dust has seemed impossible. That’s certainly not helping with the imposter syndrome I already felt upon starting a manifestation-centered brand.

But even “master manifesters” are human and go through down periods like this. And nevertheless, I’ll manage to get myself back on track somehow, probably by using my products. I made them so long ago now (a few months ago) that they’ll basically be brand new to me anyway.

Well, that was my first Marginalia post! I’m a little nervous to share it. From the reader’s perspective, it’s just me talking nonsense about my sporadic thoughts, and it doesn’t have much structure or purpose.

I doubt many people will read these, but maybe that’s for the best. These will be posts made just for me, then. Thanks for reading, if you did!

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Time to hit the backspace for the first time!

Backspace is one of the series in my Open Drawer section. It’s Nostalgia Central over here; we’ll revisit some fun stuff from back in the day. From music, games, and shows to fashion, aesthetics, and trends.

In this first post, I wanted to revisit some of my favorite Flash games from way back when.

(Something I do pretty often, so I’m sure there’ll be plenty more posts like this!)

It was difficult deciding which ones to talk about first since there are quite literally hundreds that I loved and love. But here are the 12 games I ultimately landed on!

Backspace 01: “FLASH” Back

Polly Party Pickup

When I’m feeling super nostalgic, Polly Party Pickup is one of the first games I pick up!

It’s a classic driving scavenger hunt where you have to help Polly pick up her friends for her big birthday party. You drive Polly’s little pink car around Pollyville, racing the clock to collect friends Lila, Shani, Lea, and Todd before time runs out.

Each friend is bringing something important to the party (like balloons, presents, games, and even the cake), so you must get them all to the mall in time, but you have to navigate a road with mud puddles, oil slicks, and tire spike strips, which makes it more difficult.

The game is super cute and brings back great memories, so 10/10 recommend!

I have no idea why this one is so dear to me, but every time I play it, I’m transported right back into the living room of my childhood home, and I’m yet again sitting at the computer desk, staring at the bulky computer screen with all the intensity of a girl who’s in the midst of completing a life-or-death mission.

Wedding Dash

I know a Dash game hated to see me coming back in the early 2000s, and even now.

I used to play pretty much all the Dash games relentlessly. I feel like some alleged Dash game lovers’ love started and stopped with Diner Dash (not that it’s a competition, but actually, yes it is, and I win!), meanwhile, I took playing the Dash games so seriously that I not only played all the Diner and Cooking Dash games, but I also ran a hotel like the navy, and convinced myself (for a week or so) that I wanted a career in wedding planning since I was so good at the Wedding Dash games.

All of the Dash games, regardless of setting and industry, involve the same thing: time management and customer service. You have to keep customers happy to avoid them storming out and upgrade your business as you go. Of course, the longer you play, the more difficult the game becomes.

I had to mention these games because they’re still definitely some of my favorites today, especially because even at my big age, they remain challenging!

I’m not sure whether I love the original or the sequel more - they’re both still addictive to this day. I must admit that I only slightly remember possibly playing the third iteration at some point, and I don’t think I ever played the fourth, so already, my previous bragging feels unjust? unwarranted

But at least I can say I enjoyed playing the games that I feel like a lot of other people never got into, even though the Wedding Dash games were literally the best in the whole Dash series, fight me on this.

Burger Shop & Burger Shop 2

Dare I say these are some of the greatest cooking games of all time?

My sister is nine years older than me, and when I remember that she’s the one who got me into playing this game, I’m really thankful for that.

These two games are some of the ones I most commonly revisit, not even just because of the nostalgia, but also because they’re just as entertaining today as they were back then.

While the original Burger Shop was a flash game, the second and third variations are not, but in all of these games, you get to work the assembly line and put together customers’ orders by using the ingredients on the conveyor belt.

You must use the right ingredients and serve customers quickly to avoid them getting angry and storming off. As you advance, you add more menu items, get even shorter-tempered customers, and it becomes increasingly difficult to reach the target goal.

When I was a kid, I dreamed of having money so I could afford to play all levels of the game - because some were hidden behind paywalls, and occasionally, we’d play on a site that allowed one hour of playing time before you had to pay to continue - and I distinctly remember that one of the first things I treated myself to after beginning to write professionally were the Burger Shop games.

Along with…

Sally’s Salon & Sally’s Spa

I seriously mean it when I say no games defined my childhood more than the Dash, Burger Shop, and Sally’s games. This has to be one of my favorite time management games of all time.

In Sally’s Salon, you manage a hair salon, where you seat customers, wash, cut, and style their hair, and then check them out. Of course, you have to do all this quickly to keep them happy and avoid anyone storming out.

In Sally’s Spa - which, although I can’t decide for the life of me, may be my favorite Sally’s game - you do the same thing, but inside a spa. You must juggle giving facials, massages, manicures, etc.

Both games feature cute graphics and become increasingly intense as you play longer.

Sally Salon and Sally Spa were some of my absolute favorites to play whenever I got the chance.

And again, they were some of the ones that I couldn’t play too much of because after an hour of playing for free, the game was locked behind a paywall.

No matter how many websites we searched on, we could never find a totally free version. And even though my sister (allegedly, and I’m only joking here because of the illegality of this hypothetical scenario) was able to bootleg movies and burn songs onto CDs (in her dreams and imagination, exclusively, and never actually in real life), she could never figure out how to get full games for free.

Which was a real shame considering how much we adored this one.

At one point, even my mom started playing it.

(But she spent a good decade finding joy in a lot of the same games I played. WoozWorld, GirlsGoGames, and High School Story hated to see her coming right alongside me!)

Fashion Designer: New York

Another one that my mom and I played together. We’d even make a competition out of it, and I ate her up every time, although she would tell you differently.

I think it’s one of the best fashion games ever! I don’t know what it is about this game that has me in such a chokehold. Probably all the memories of my mom playing GirlsGoGames with me for hours - from escape and home decor games to makeover and fashion games - yet we would always return to this one when we wanted to have the most fun!

The character designs are gorgeous, and the premise is simple enough. In this legendary game, you play as an up-and-coming designer in NYC, preparing a collection. You choose three models, then create a look for each of them based on the category each was assigned (such as professional, casual, dressy, etc.), and after designing, you walk the runway, getting critiqued by the judges, who’ll tell you how well you did when it comes to sticking to the theme.

This game was brilliant because it combined creativity with feedback, and it actually taught a bit about matching style to theme and being cohesive. I have very fond memories of my mom and me becoming enraged every time we thought we had created a five-star outfit, only to get negative feedback from the judges.

And yes, I still experience the same rage when receiving their critiques, even when I go back to play the game today!

My Scene: Shopping Spree

Another of the most memorable - and possibly thee most memorable - dress-up games is My Scene: Shopping Spree!

This unique fashion dress-up game is basically a virtual mall day with the My Scene crew! You can pick a theme for your shopping spree (a night at the club, a school day, a sleepover party, etc.), then choose two My Scene girls to style.

You get to act as a sort of personal stylist as you mix and match tops, bottoms, dresses, shoes, and accessories until you’ve created the perfect outfit for the occasion!

Little me thought the My Scene girls were the absolute coolest crew, behind the Bratz, and I was totally right! I adored playing any game with them in it, and I still think they were discontinued way too soon.

Suite Life On Deck: Longa Conga

I’m definitely biased, but I don’t care. I think this is one of the best and most addictive Disney games ever created! I loved and religiously watched both The Sweet Life of Zack and Cody and The Suite Life on Deck (and think people who slander the latter are weird), so of course, I enjoyed all the Sweet Life games, but this is number one in the list of my top three favorites!

All you have to do is choose who you want to play as and then move around using your keyboard arrow keys. Dance into people to get them to join the Conga line and you’ll level up once you’ve gotten enough people to join.

Each level gets progressively more difficult, and as your Conga line gets longer and longer, it becomes more difficult to avoid running into Mr. Moseby or items on the deck and getting caught.

This is yet another one that keeps me entertained for an embarrassingly long time to this day. To be fair, though, it serves the purpose that almost all Flash games served: It’s nothing too complicated but fun enough to keep me amused and doesn’t take a whole lot of brain power to engage with.

I think that’s what I love and miss the most about Flash games, and it’s probably why I go back to revisit them so often. Everything from games to shows to electronics to products these days are released with the intention of overstimulating the ever-loving crap out of you, it seems - and when you’re already overstimulated by life, in general, at that.

But these old Flash games are just so simple and soothing that they’re easy to pick up whenever you need a little stress-relief or wanna keep your hands and eyes busy while listening to something.

Kinda a side tangent, but…

Sweet Life of Zack and Cody: Tipton Trouble

Interesting how I talked about how relaxing and simplistic these Flash games can be, only to immediately shift to talking about one of the ones that stress me out the most right after.

To this day, I don’t play this one as much as I play the other Zack and Cody games, simply because it gives me an abnormal amount of rage and the kind of adrenaline rush you get when you ride the biggest, fastest rollercoaster ever.

But my not playing it as often is just a precautionary measure I take for the sake of my own health - I do enjoy it just as much as I enjoy any other game on this list, if not even more!

This game involves helping the twins run around the hotel, hanging posters in each of the hotel’s picture frames without getting caught by Carey or Mr. Moseby.

The games that involve trying not to get caught during a mission never seem to get boring, especially as they become more and more challenging as you progress!

Sweet Life of Zack and Cody: Pizza Party

This is one of the beloved maze games where you have to collect as many pizzas, party snacks, and other items as possible while avoiding running into Mr. Moseby and Carey.

For whatever reason, I always found this one less stressful. Probably because I was and still am better at it. Apparently, neither seven-year-old me nor twenty-five-year-old me has the motor skills necessary to avoid getting caught for more than a few minutes in the previous game, but I can play this one for ages and ages without bumping into anyone, so yay me!

SpongeBob: Love Hurts

Don’t get it twisted; I was just as much a Nickelodeon gal as I was a Disney one. Of course, SpongeBob was one of my favorite cartoons ever, and obviously, I played many of the games. The three I remember loving the most are Sand Wars, Reef Rumble, and this one.

The season one episode sixteen episode of SpongeBob - Valentine’s Day; The Paper - is one of my favorites of all time. Or at least top fifty. I’m indecisive. But it has to be one of the most memorable episodes of the show, and this game makes it even more so!

In it, you have to run away from a livid Patrick, avoid obstacles such as balloons, and collect chocolate to throw at him. It’s a simple yet addictive game that remains one of my favorites to date!

Lilo and Stitch: 625 Sandwich Stacker

I feel like you have better odds of getting struck by lightning than not knowing this one. Who didn’t play this one during their childhood? And if you didn’t, it’s literally mandatory that you go and play it now. You know, for the experience!

The game is pretty simple: you have to help Reuben, also known as Experiment 625, build a huge sandwich for Stitch!

You must catch as many of the correct ingredients as possible while avoiding the wrong ingredients.

It’s just so cute! I don’t think I’ve ever intentionally gone back to rewatch Lilo and Stitch. I don’t remember much about it, and at this point, I think that means I didn’t watch it or love it as much as most things I feel super nostalgic about back then. But still, this is one of those games I played on a near-daily basis at one point because I loved it so much, and I always adore returning to it!

The Game of Life: Path To Success

I swear, there are only five people in the world who remember this game, and aside from the creator and its haters, I’m one of them.

This game isn’t to be confused with the much better-known and (to most people) much more enjoyable 1998 variation, which I have still yet to play but definitely need to.

This is the 2000s version of the game, which a majority of people don’t seem to realize exists, and the ones who do hate it and think it’s an extremely boring knock-off version of The Sims.

Me, on the other hand? I spent years searching high and low for this game (from an extremely vague memory).

I spent so much of my time as a kid sitting at the computer desk and playing this game, and I think it’s one of the first games I ever played that wasn’t based on a popular character like Hannah Montana or Barbie.

I’ll admit, it is a simple game where there “isn’t much to do.”

You just have to perform tasks like getting things for your family members to keep them happy and upgrading the house here and there.

But even though the characters are pegs and the tasks are somewhat redundant, this game is super nostalgic and perfect for when I want to play a game that doesn’t require a lot of thought but can keep my hands and eyes busy.

I only finally found it again - after years of searching - last year, and I’ve been enjoying the heck out of it ever since!

Backspace 02??

So, those are the games I wanted to revisit in this post! I hope you recognized some of your old faves as well.

If you liked this post, I’m interested in knowing what you’d like to see in the Backspace series next. I have so many similar game posts planned, but I also wanna go down the Vine edit audio rabbit hole, and I’d love to make a post about common web “sights.”

What would you like to see first? Or maybe you have a completely different idea. I’d love to hear it!

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In my Waking Up at 5:55 Each Morning - Weekends Included - Was the Best Choice Ever post, I talked about waking up at 5:55 am, 7 days a week, and how amazing it was. I still stand by that post - that routine was incredible for me at the time.

It’s just what I needed coming into the new year. Sticking with it for two months boosted my self-trust and self-confidence. I proved to myself that I could stay consistent with a new habit that I’d been wanting to form since forever, for more than just two or three weeks.

And it gave me an extra two hours each day: one (Opening Hour) spent enjoying a slow morning routine, and one (Garden Hour) spent engaging with one of my hobbies or any form of creativity. Which has led to major change in my life.

I now express my creativity daily, in whichever way feels right at the time, and my life feels more vibrant because of it - not grey and dull and like the only thing I live for is to work and use my talent to complete other people’s projects.

But slowly, throughout March, I fell out of this routine.

I decided to treat myself to a weekend of sleeping in after waking up at that time throughout February - the same way I’d treated myself to a weekend of sleeping in after waking up at the established time every day of January.

I expected to get right back into waking up at 5 throughout March after that weekend, but I didn’t for a couple of days. Sleeping in that weekend turned into me sleeping in a few extra days that week. Then I returned to waking up at 5:55 for one day, slept in the next, woke up at the desired time the next day, slept in the next, and it continued that way throughout the entirety of March.

You may be wondering, “So what? Why am I supposed to care?”

Well, I’m sharing this because throughout March I felt guilty and annoyed with myself for breaking a habit I’d managed to stick to for two months and had thoroughly enjoyed.

I genuinely liked waking up so early, as I found a lot of peace in it. Those first two hours of the day were my favorite - my “me” time, and waking up so early made me feel productive. Plus, I thought it was a little pathetic that I could only stick to a habit for two short months before falling off the wagon. Especially when I’d had the audacity to write about the habit and post it here for all to see.

But then I had a realization - which I’m proud of, considering how much longer it would’ve taken past me to have it, if she’d have come to it at all.

The realization?

Staying consistent means sticking to doing what you said you were going to do as long as it’s working for you, yes, even if it’s difficult or inconvenient.

Staying consistent does not mean forcing yourself to stick to a habit, routine, system, or anything else that is no longer serving or working for you for an extended period - just to keep the streak alive.

Waking up at 5:55 am, 7 days a week, worked well for me coming into the new year. I had the energy and motivation to do it, and that was because I knew I needed to do it.

Prior to doing it, I started each morning in an unpleasant rush and never carved out time in my day to do creative things or enjoy my hobbies. I was always putting myself and my interests last, never doing the things that fed me and my creative soul. So, I was miserable.

But three months later, I’ve settled into the habit of taking time for myself in the morning no matter what time I wake up, and I enjoy doing creative hobbies for hours each day, usually even more so toward the evening.

I’ve also been juggling client work, a brand launch, and building Substack alongside everything else these past few months. And I’ve been losing out on rest during the evenings and weekends because of it.

So is waking up at 5:55 am each day still a necessity? No. I have “me” time in the morning and hobby time during the day, regardless of what time I wake up now.

And is waking up at 5:55 am still working for me? No. My mind and body are too tired to wake up at that time every day right now. Try as I might, there are some days when I just can’t seem to get up before 8 am.

So, is not waking up at 5:55 am anymore proof that I can’t stay consistent? No.

Is it proof that I can remain consistent with something for as long as I need to - and then drop it when I no longer do? Yes.

The previous version of me would continue trying to force myself to wake up at this time every day just to say I stuck with it for a prolonged period of time. And if she failed to do so because her body needed more time to recharge, she’d beat herself up over it, call herself a failure, and consider herself “inconsistent.”

I’m sure a lot of other people think like this, too, which is why I’m writing.

Being able to observe yourself - your energy levels, your body’s needs - is just as important as being disciplined and consistent.

If you’re quitting on a new goal, habit, or routine just because you’re lazy, it’s inconvenient, you don’t want to do it anymore, because it’s a bit hard, etc, then yes, I’d say you don’t have much discipline, and you’re not being consistent.

But if you’re quitting because you’ve realized it’s no longer serving you the way it once was, or that it just isn’t the right fit, or that you don’t even really need to do it anymore, that doesn’t mean you’re undisciplined or inconsistent at all.

Learn to observe yourself and understand what you need as time goes on - because what worked for you a few months ago may no longer work for you now, and that’s not only fine, but it’s totally natural.

Learn when to realize when you’re being consistent for no reason, too. Sometimes, we don’t even realize when our goal has already been accomplished because we’re so determined to stick to the routine we’ve decided means we’re accomplishing it.

And finally, learn how to pivot instead of assuming the worst of yourself or totally “giving up.”

At first, when I was waking up at 5:55 some days and sleeping in on others, I felt discouraged, wondered whether I should drop the habit of waking up so early entirely, and nearly decided to just wake up at whatever time I naturally regained consciousness every day.

But the thought of that made me feel disappointed because again, I do genuinely enjoy waking up so early, and doing it does allow me some much-needed extra hours each day. Plus, I’m a person who needs at least a little structure and routine - I know how icky I feel when I don’t have it, and I know how waking up whenever my eyes just so happened to open each day made me feel in the past: out of control and unproductive.

Then, I realized that, though my 5:55 am wake-up time was off and on throughout March, I still enjoyed the days when I woke up at that time. I had plenty of energy during those early mornings and throughout the day. I realized there was a pattern, too.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, I was naturally inclined to wake up at 5. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays, I was usually too drained to do so.

So, the solution here isn’t to quit the routine I’ve grown accustomed to cold turkey just because my body no longer supports me doing it every day. The solution is to follow my body’s natural rhythm and wake up at 5:55 4 days a week, and sleep in during the rest.

That seems to better fit where I’m at right now.

You wanna create romancivity in your life?

Then let me spell it out for you as many times and in as many ways as you need to get it through your head:

This quarter, don’t pressure yourself to stay disciplined with a rigid routine that’s no longer working for you just so you can call yourself consistent. Listen to what your body needs from you at the time and act accordingly. You can still be consistent even when doing that - consistency can change and look a different way at different times, and that’s okay. Consistency you can actually maintain without collapsing is the key. Don’t force yourself to suffer in the name of consistency. And remember: The path to success is not discipline and consistency. It’s discipline, consistency, the ability to observe, and the willingness to pivot.

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Thank you so much for being here. It means the world to me that there are people out there who want to read what I write or who care about some of the same things I do. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read my posts or interact with me in any way. It doesn’t go unnoticed, and I truly appreciate it!

Subscribe for free <3

Thank you so much for reading! If you leave a comment with your thoughts, you’ll really make my day! I feel encouraged to keep writing when I know I can look forward to engaging with the people who’ve read my work, so thank you in advance for any comments you leave! If you have any questions, let me know. And I’d love it if you introduced yourself to the community! Feel free to promote your work as well <3

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✨A Little Map for What Lies Ahead ✨

• What Romancivity Is

• What Romancivity Means to Me & What It Gets to Mean to You

• Who This Publication Is For

• Who’s Behind It

• What You Can Expect

• The Content Architecture

• Sections - Create Romancivity Your Way: Opt in or Out

• Partake in the Community

• Thank You for Your Support <3

Hii hii <3 Welcome to Creating Romancivity! Thank you so much for being here - I genuinely mean it wholeheartedly. Thank you! 🫂 I hope this community can be there for anyone who needs it. So, here’s everything you should know about it!

What Romancivity Is

Romancivity is simply the two most important words to me combined. Romance and creativity.

Coming into 2026, I thought hard about what I wanted my word of the year to be, and I couldn’t choose between the two.

After going through one of the hardest years of my life (which followed many other slightly less difficult ones), I knew that it was essential for me to come up with a New Year’s goal that could change my whole life for the better. Not just one of my usual goals to make more money, read more books, or exercise more often. Don’t get me wrong, those goals have their place, but I needed one that could allow me to see a huge change within my life, even if I didn’t get the new job, the bigger income, the relationship, the friendships, or whatever else. I needed a goal that would allow me to be happy regardless of circumstances. And after a year of feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, exhausted, and defeated, it was obvious what that goal should be.

I wanted to romanticize my life and bring more creativity into it. Appreciate the small moments of happiness, express gratitude more often, and celebrate the big and small wins instead of constantly grieving the losses. I wanted to stop feeling as if time was passing me by at rapid speed, and like I was a robot whose only purpose was to work. I wanted to return to my creative roots, start expressing my ideas, and engage with my hobbies. I wanted to water the garden of me, nurture my soul, and stop abandoning myself. I wanted to understand that I have a life to live, and the right to live it - happily. Even if circumstances still aren’t perfect. I still get to choose to lean into the moments of happiness rather than constantly immerse myself in the sadness and stress.

So my word of the year is Romancivity, and my main goal for the year is to welcome, create, and maintain romance and creativity in my life, no matter what.

And I hope everyone reading this will do the same.

What Romancivity Means to Me & What It Gets to Mean to You

For me, romanticizing my life looks like doing simple things such as enjoying hibiscus tea and listening to lo-fi while I work, lighting a candle and putting on a face mask while I read, or turning on my LED lighting and getting all dressed up just to sit at my desk and write.

It looks like giving each of my days a title, journaling, reflecting, and documenting small moments of happiness, or waking up at 5:55 each day just to enjoy a slow morning and an hour of hobby time.

Embracing and expressing creativity, for me, includes returning to writing the things that make me happy, listening to as much music as humanly possible, attempting to make fun graphics even though I suck at it, researching and studying topics I’m interested in for fun, consuming lots of media and tracking it for my future self to come back to, keeping up with pop culture, fangirling, enjoying moments of shared collective attention, and whatever else I decide makes me happy at the time.

But romancivity could look entirely different for you, and that’s totally fine! I’m sharing my interests, opinions, systems, and practices here for my own happiness, and for anyone who they may inspire. But you get to decide what romancivity looks like for you and come up with whatever methods and techniques work for you! My only hope is that you’ll prioritize doing the things that make you happy and fill your cup.

Join me in creating a life that feels like a life. One that feels enjoyable to live.

Subscribe for Free <3

Who This Publication Is For

It’s for those who are playful, curious, creative, and thoughtful!

And if you’re still wondering whether this is the publication for you, I can guarantee it is if you want:

• To invite softness, happiness, joy, fun, vibrancy, whimsy, romance, or creativity into your life

• A place to fangirl, fanboy, fanperson, scream about your interests without fear of judgment, and feel understood

• A space to stay up-to-date with and think deeply about pop culture

• To be part of a space where it’s okay to be multi-passionate

• Ideas and models for tracking identity, consumption, and growth

• A community where you can explore curiosity without shame

• An area where you’re free to explore and come to terms with the worries, deeper stories, and often unspoken journeys of life.

🌙

Do you ever feel like you have so many topics that you’re dying to talk about with someone, but you don’t have anyone to tell about them? Me too. And that’s why this publication is also for you.

I want this to be a safe and fun space for everyone who wants to find more joy, share the things that make them happy, and discuss the topics that excite them with a community of people who are willing to listen.

Who’s Behind It

If you’re wondering who’s behind Creating Romancivity then hello, it’s me!

I’m Matilia, but most people call me Tia. I’ve been writing since I was a kid, but started freelancing in March of 2021. Since then, I’ve ghostwritten/co-written more romance novels than I can count + self-help eBooks, memoirs/autobiographies, and more.

Recently, after working with 3 musicians on 3 separate occasions without even meaning to, I realized I want to work predominantly with artists, as I feel that’s my calling. So, now I’m shifting to doing more narrative writing and personal branding & storytelling for musicians! I love helping people build worlds that their audiences will want to dive into - and stay in. So, that’s what I do - alongside building my digital product brand, which has been over a year in the making!

Edit: Finally launched it! Feel free to visit MQTWorld! I sell Law of assumption digital products as well as greeting cards, invitations, and tools to help you add romancivity to your life! <3

🌟

Outside of work, I like to listen to new music, read, and do whatever creative thing makes me happiest in the moment. I’m self-studying marketing and hoping to study graphic design whenever I have the time - cause I cannot keep getting away with making God-awful graphics when I have such cool concepts trapped inside my head, which my lack of design skills will not allow me to properly execute :(.

I have a cat named Zarah, two best friends who live out of state (RIP), and an insatiable appetite for nostalgia. I happen to be a manifestation girly (Law of Assumption), a Libra, and I can speak the tiniest bit of Korean. My favorite pop culture events are probably the Olympics, Super Bowl, Fashion Weeks, Met Gala, and VMAs. My favorite foods are Chinese food and Chicken Alfredo, and I’m beginning to think I’m oversharing.

Above all else, I’m a shy, awkward, 25-year-old introvert whose most effective tactic for making friends is talking openly about my interests in hopes that someone with the same interests will reach out to further discuss them. Then, boom - a blossoming friendship forms, and in a decade, we get to laugh about how awkward our first conversations were!

So, don’t hesitate to reach out if you feel called to <3 - sorry if I’m awkward at first. I’m really wonderful after the 100th conversation or so 🤠

What You Can Expect

Here you’ll find a mix of:

• Personal essays, reflections, and introspective exploration

• Media consumption, analysis, and diaries

• Pop culture commentary and discussions about internet culture

• Cultural critiques and observations

• Glimpses into my creative processes

• Nostalgia

• Curiosity-driven deep-dives

• And more - because I’m sure this publication will likely grow and shift as I do.

The Content Architecture

Creating Romancivity is organized into recurring categories and series - different rooms within the same house, each holding a different kind of thought, mood, or curiosity.

Romancivity All Around is where I share systems, techniques, practices, thoughts, and opinions on making life feel softer, fuller, more beautiful, more intentional, and more creative. It’s where I hope to reach anyone who wants to make life feel more whimsical, more romantic, more fun, or even just worth living.

🌕

The Pop Culture Corner is where you can find commentary, observations, reactions, and discussions around the moments, people, events, and conversations snagging collective attention. It’s where you can stay up to date with monthly pop culture events, find my Be So Serious series, and enjoy engaging in conversations about internet culture. It’s also where you’ll find my monthly round-up of the things I’ve been watching, reading, listening to, loving, questioning, finishing, abandoning, revisiting, and more. Maybe you’ll find some inspo there!

Through Pop Culture and Media Consumption posts, I hope to reach people who are equally passionate about culture and media, deeply unserious when it comes to expressing their opinions, and most importantly, looking to have fun. I hope to build a community that can fangirl (fanboy, fanthey/fanthem, fanperson) together, share personal favorites - and one that you can always run to when you’ve got no one else to talk to about the latest hot topics or your current obsessions - whether they’re incredibly niche or the whole world’s in on it!

🌕

Music Ramblings is exactly what it sounds like! A place for music thoughts (and rants).

The Listening Room is where you’ll fine my music recs, listening habits, aural immersion of the month posts, album reports, artist observations, music magazine progress tracking, playlists, album concepts, and interviews with some small artists as part of my Creative Spotlight Series! (Feel free to reach out if you’d like to be part of it ;) <3)

As I mentioned, I’m a creative writer and narrative partner for musicians, and music has always been one of my biggest interests, so of course, I wanted to write about it! So, this “room” is for music-lovers who are deeply passionate about their favorite albums, artists, and the music industry as a whole. I hope it reaches people who want to share their music takes, discover some incredible new artists, and just enjoy music with other people.

🌕

Whimsy & Worry holds the more reflective side of this publication: thoughts, feelings, personal essays, quiet observations, heavier questions, and the parts of life that are harder to categorize neatly. It’s also where you’ll find unserious, often overdramatic rants. Because…I’m me.

It’s a blend of more pop culture-related topics, addressing fears, figuring out identity, and frankly, me talking about things that I just don’t really have anyone to talk to about. I hope this section reaches people who feel strongly about things and want to scream into the void about them, too.

My Open Drawer section is a more “chill” space where I can further express my creativity. Picture opening a “junk” jar and seeing a bright light shining from it. Or don’t. That’s just the image that pops into my head when I think of this section. Anyway, as your eyes adjust to the light, you begin to see the “junk” lying around. Except it’s not junk, and instead, each item inside is more like an antique.

I see this space as a place where the fragments of my mind get to exist. Not always fully fleshed out, proofread to perfection, or as well-organized and well-articulated as my other posts. More imperfect, casual, maybe somewhat cozy, somewhat chaotic, very me. A place to come and hang out, it feels like, to me.

I don’t think I do a good job of explaining this particular section, so here are some examples of the kinds of posts that’ll live here:

• Assemblage - A Pinterest-esque visual-based series with each installment showcasing a themed collection of things.

• Lexicon - A series where I choose a word (preferably one that I don’t know or use very often) and write something based on it. I may write whatever flows onto the page, try to relate it to a personal experience, or enjoy a creative writing prompt about it.

• Marginalia - Think of yourself trapezing through the margins of my mind. Within this series, my lingering thoughts will rest.

• Backspace - Nostalgic things are some of my favorite things. In this series, we’ll hit the back button for a bit and return to our favorite things of the past: Games, TV Shows, fashion, cultural moments - you name it.

• Research Record - Previously its own tag, but now part of the Open Drawer tag, my Curiosity Vault, AKA my Research Record, is the room in which curiosity gets to take the steering wheel! This is where I’ll keep track of deep-dives, rabbit holes, things I’m learning, topics I suddenly need to understand, and whatever else I can’t stop thinking about.

  It’s for the people who have an insatiable curiosity about…Well, everything. All the time. This is where I ask my stupid questions that I should either already know or that already have obvious answers. It’s where I keep track of the deeply philosophical questions that pop into my head at random moments throughout the day and night. It’s where I curate long lists of questions on topics I’m interested in so I can do a deep dive into some research later (learning for fun was one of the ways I wanted to add more romancivity to my life this year, after all!), and...It’s where I clear out my Safari tabs.

  Having close to 1000 Safari tabs open at all times is just ridiculous. It’s gotten out of hand. So, I’m making a list of the things I’ve googled, categorizing it so it’s easy for me to research later, and finally clearing out those tabs. Pretty self-serving…But I like to think this section of Romancivity will reach those who are looking for more topics to study for fun!

I hope this section reaches those who will enjoy it. Simple.

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Ready to Read? Start Here!

January was the only month that felt like it went by at a perfectly normal, perfectly sane pace.

February is a short month, so it always passes quickly, and Daylight Saving Time (which I hate because it always makes the days seem to fly by at an alarming speed - amongst other reasons) started on March 8th, so naturally, March has flown by, too.

I don’t usually take the time to reflect on the months as they pass the way I’d like to, so I thought now’s a great time to start.

Here are some things that made me happy in this 1st quarter!

Personal Progress

It only feels right to start with this.

I Was Less Insane About Planning Out My Year

Coming into the New Year, I had a ton of goals just like anyone else does at the beginning of a fresh, new year. And these past two years, I’ve learned to break all these big goals into quarterly milestones and targets to hit - which helps, and I highly recommend you try it if you don’t already.

Last year, I went a bit overboard.

I read The 12 Week Year, by Brian P. Moran and Michael Lennington, and loved the idea so much that I overdid it. Not only did I create yearly goals, then break them into quarterly goals, as the book suggests, but I also proceeded to break those quarterly goals into monthly goals, and monthly goals into weekly goals. I planned out all 52 weeks of my year to the best of my ability, which, as you can imagine, took an egregiously long time.

And was a total waste of it, too.

Spoiler alert: Life is unpredictable, and at a certain point, overplanning does more harm than good. I felt like a failure when the weeks I had so carefully planned out looked totally different in real life than they looked on my perfectly organized Notion page - just two weeks into 2025 and for every week after that, mind you.

I count my much less insane level of planning for this year as one of my very first personal progress wins of the year.

I did break my goals down by quarter, but I stopped there and let things unfold as they did. Well, kinda. I did decide on a particular quarterly goal to focus on each month and then broke it down into weekly tasks - but that’s normal, productive, and not as insane as planning each week of the year out right at the start of it.

I Accomplished A Lot of This Quarter’s Goals

And things did happen. I made them! I’m very proud to say that I did, in fact, accomplish most of my goals for this first quarter.

I began to study marketing again, although I fell off studying after January, but that’s okay. I didn’t expect this first quarter to center on marketing study or lead to a ton of progress with it. I just wanted to start, and I did.

I (FINALLY!!!) finished finalizing my website! Well - it’s not finalized, never will be. There will always be things I want to and will change, but I was at least able to drop my perfectionist tendencies, do the best I could to make each page look the way I envisioned it, and make it good enough for initial launch.

I can’t even put into words how much this means to me. Launching my website coincides with me launching my brand, and this is something I’ve worked on for one year and one month. Mind you, I naively thought I could do it within six months.

This journey has been one of the most difficult yet beautiful ones I’ve ever experienced! I put my blood, sweat, and (mainly) tears into it. I forced myself out of my comfort zone all throughout it, battled through daily doubts and breakdowns, stayed committed to it even through traumatic events, and proved to myself that I could be consistent and create something worthwhile even if it was difficult.

Launching my website feels like having a ten-ton weight lifted off my chest. Since I have it, now I have a place to display my services, gain clients (outside of a very ‘meh’ platform), display my portfolio, sell my products, write what I want, and lead people back to when they want to get to know more about me. For the first time, I really feel like the professional I claim to be.

Everybody and their mother has a website these days, and it’s not like mine is perfect or anywhere near the best, but it’s mine, and having it makes me feel like I’ve got something really special. So, I’m proud!

(And thankful. I had help from a lovely person to make it, too! Quite literally would not have been able to do it without their help - I am not a techy girl!)

On top of those two goals, I also set up an efficient system for interviewing creatives, which was something I’d been wanting to do since last year. I plan to interview musicians and other creatives for my website blog’s Creative Spotlight Series. So*,* I really wanted to take the time to create an organized system to make the process easier for myself and the interviewee, from start to finish. It was a bit (very) time-consuming, but so worth it!

Listing only three goals here feels a bit weird. The pessimistic part of me immediately thinks, “You had three months, and you only accomplished three main goals? And you’re (humbly) bragging?” but I know that part of me is just a fugly slut.

The amount of work that went into finishing my website is insane. Hours, days, weeks, and months dedicated to listing products, creating service packages, filling out all the info for every single page, dealing with random backend BS, and the list goes on and on…This one goal had like a million other miniature goals tucked into it, and I got them all accomplished, so I’m proud! And it’s the same with the creative interviewing system, too.

And you know what else? There’s another goal I’ve had in mind, too.

I want to work with musicians, always. I’m a narrative writer for musicians - a personal branding and narrative storytelling girlie who enjoys helping artists articulate themselves in a way that helps connect them with their fans. I like helping artists explain the experiences behind their music and tell their personal stories in a meaningful way that feels authentic to them. I love helping them world build - because having a world for fans to step into once they discover you is how you can maintain a steady fanbase.

One of my goals this year is to transition to doing more work with artists and within the music industry. And even though that goal hasn’t been fully accomplished yet, I’m proud of what I have accomplished so far.

I stepped into this year with a musician client and a Google Sheet filled with musicians to cold pitch to. I’m getting ready to bring my Creative Spotlight Series to life, and I’m studying music terminology in my free time. I’m writing about music more often - which is not only my way of practicing and preparing for the opportunities I know are coming my way, but also has just given me so much joy since I’m so passionate about music and should’ve always been writing about it.

I’m allowing myself to be seen, and to be vocal about what I want in the case that anyone out there stumbles upon my work and wants to reach out. And I’m allowing myself to have the audacity to believe that this could work out for me. I’m very proud of myself for that, too!

I Felt Less Unhappy Than in 2025

January started off kinda rough, but ultimately became what I think was my best month so far. February and the beginning of March felt rougher. But none of them felt as terrible as any part of 2025, which is progress!

And it’s definitely due to my own hard work, too.

I still suck at being present, but I am more present now than I was last year, and that’s definitely because of my beloved Episode of the Days, which I thoroughly enjoy. Giving each day its own title, image (if able), and having a space to keep up with random moments of happiness, small wins, gratitude, and journal entries has been amazing - and the way I’ve framed it has made it fun for me, which is why I’ve been so consistent with it, so I’m going to have to find a way to make it physically possible to smooch myself on the forehead for that.

I woke up at 5:55 am on most days, including weekends, because I wanted to build my self-trust by proving to myself that I could be consistent for longer than a week - and because I wanted to spend time on and with me by any means necessary.

I spent the few extra hours my early mornings gave me doing things like meditating, saying my affirmations, journaling, and doing breathwork during my Opening Hour and engaging with my hobbies during my Garden Hour. Reading (mostly), studying for fun (rarely), working on Substack articles and my music zine (occasionally), and the list goes on and on.

I promised myself that I would nurture myself by giving myself time to do the things I love, and I did it, and I am proud. It’s directly led to a reduction in my unhappiness. Now I get to say I stuck with something for a prolonged period, started my Substack, and allowed myself to engage with creativity + the things I genuinely love, rather than just existing purely to work.

Engaging in Hobbies Daily

Okay, I already mentioned this before, but this is truly one of the biggest things that’s made me so happy over the past three months. I feel like a brand new person because of it, so it’s only fair I talk about it a little more.

Writing for Substack

I have so many thoughts, feelings, opinions, and ideas that previously had nowhere to go, and now there’s a space where they can exist - not just inside the confines of my mind, but out there in the world, for other people to possibly, potentially see. And that feels so important to me! It feels like I’m participating in the human experience rather than watching other people do so from outside of the club. So many people have built platforms and supportive communities just by saying the things that were on their minds. Why shouldn’t I do the same?

Using my voice feels good. It’s not like I’m talking about anything majorly important, but I am writing things that hopefully some people will be able to connect with, and that feels good.

And above all else, I think what I’m trying to convey here is that I finally feel like I have just as much of a right to take up space as anyone else. I used to think there was no use in taking the time to write about my own thoughts, opinions, interests, etc. because it’s not like I have hundreds of thousands of followers, or am particularly knowledgeable or interesting.

But now I feel my words are just as important as anyone else’s, and whether I’m the only one who’ll ever see them or thousands of other people do, they’re still worth writing. I’m glad I’ve come to that realization.

Reading More

I’ve read more this year than I did last year, already, and I love that for me! Truthfully, reading Substack posts has completely taken over my reading time, so I’ve still only read one book so far - well, unless you count the more than a dozen Arthur books I read for fun, but those are children’s books, so…

Anyway, I’m grateful. I love reading about other people’s lives, the way they function, what their thoughts and ideas and experiences are. I do want to return to reading books more often, but I’m not mad at how much I’ve been reading Substack posts! It’s been a joy.

Exploring Graphic Design

Marketing and graphic design go hand in hand for me, in the sense that I desperately want to learn more about them and, one day, be able to call myself an expert. I’ve made more progress with marketing than with graphic design, and I can’t say I’ve started taking any official graphic design courses or anything, but I’ve pleasantly surprised myself with the way I’ve at least consistently been making collages, working on my music zine, and creating other images for fun.

(In March, I sorted through some of the photos that’ve been hanging out in my camera roll for years and made some pretty collages to put in my DETAILS. Assemblage 01 post. It really reignited a creative fire in me and made me so excited to do that more often! It was so peaceful and relaxing to do while listening to music, and I’m happy I now know what to do with all the random pics of celebrities, fashion, accessories, aesthetic scenery, etc. that have been collecting dust in my gallery!!)

I’m not very good at graphic design or photo editing, not super patient when it comes to trying out new things, and unfortunately, everything aside from my music zine is usually rushed since I just want to make images to go with my posts here and have to have that done by a certain deadline (that I set for myself and then proceed to panic over) - but I see tiny progress being made here and there.

I know how to do some things a little faster now and make some things look a little better. Anyone who actually knows a thing about graphic design probably looks at my pictures and laughs, but I’m starting somewhere, and I’m grateful for that!

Getting Dressed in My New Clothes

Coming into the new year, I splurged on a bunch of new clothes. It was my first time buying more than two T-shirts here and there in over five years! The last time I purchased more than three clothing items at a time, I was 19. I’m 25 now. Needless to say, my style has changed.

I used to dress in all black, mostly to hide my body (but also because I liked the aesthetic), but over the years, I’ve really wanted to be one of those girls who’s so dolly and cute - the ones who wear pastel pink and white almost all the time and do their makeup in the cutest way! So, I got some clothes that reflected that. Light-colored dresses and cardigans and long skirts. Glittery makeup and adorable headbands. Etcetera.

I work from home and don’t leave my house as much as the average person does, so it’s not like I have anywhere to really wear them. But I do have meetings with clients, and I like to get dressed up for those. And also, on some days when I don’t have meetings, I still get dressed up for myself. I always feel cute and confident when I do!

I’m proud of myself for treating myself to something I wanted for a while, and for investing in my confidence for once.

So, that’s some of my personal progress for the last three months, but it only accounts for half of what I’ve enjoyed the most in this last quarter! Here are some other things that have made me happy.

Heated rivalry / Hudson / Conner

I watched Heated Rivalry in January, finished reading the book in February, and have really enjoyed every bit of my time on the Heated Rivalry ride ever since!

I don’t know what to say, really. Some people find fandom cringe, but fandom has been a big part of my life since I was just 12 - so, literally for more than half of it - and I always enjoy (unexpectedly and quite suddenly) falling in love with a new universe, new characters, new whatever it is.

Discovering a new book, a new movie, a new character, a new cast, a new song, a new artist, a new person, a new fandom - it’s one of the best experiences in the world, to me. I love finding new people and new things to love.

I don’t have time to read fanfic, scroll through fan edits for hours, or engage in stan wars the way I did when I was a teenager (and thank God for the last one), but seeing people’s silly little headcannons, watching the Twitter RP accounts interact, and getting a serotonin boost every time I see Hudson or Connor doing their things has been great!

Olympics

The Olympics took over my February, and it’s already a time I desperately wish I could go back to.

Words genuinely cannot express how much I enjoyed watching! I walked away from the experience with more than I could have ever asked for, too. Like, 30 new favorite people (all figure skaters, of course), curling scandal tea, and getting to see Winter visuals on my screen for a significant portion of time each day, despite getting exactly zero snow where I live…It was wonderful!

There’s genuinely nothing more calming than seeing ice on my screen constantly. Hockey and figure skating are literally my Coco Melon. Every day, I find a new reason that I must become rich. One of my biggest motivators right now is to make enough money that I’ll be able to pay for figure skating lessons/coaching 8 days a week, 366 days a year. I need it badly!

I’ve already spoken vehemently about how much I love the Olympics and the way they bring the whole world together throughout several of my other posts, so I won’t harp on it too much here. But wow, I am so excited for the Summer Olympics to roll around, although I won’t rush the time along.

Hockey

Spotlighting some of my favorite sports since they brought me so much joy in this first quarter, though.

Yes, of course, watching Heated Rivalry made me remember that hockey was a thing that existed and led to me occasionally flipping to it when I noticed the games were on TV. But it was really watching the Olympics that solidified my newfound interest in the sport!

Watching the women’s team USA put belt to ass constantly really got me into it. Getting to see Laila Edwards on my screen was always a pleasure. And the two seconds I got to enjoy the men’s hockey team winning gold for the US for the first time in 46 years before they revealed themselves to be misogynistic losers was great too. But honestly, it wasn’t just watching hockey during the Olympics that got me more interested in hockey - it was watching all the ice sports.

Figure skating, speed skating, and even curling, although I rarely watched it and more so kept up with the scandal of it all.

As I said, there’s just something so comforting about seeing ice on my screen. Maybe it’s because I love Winter and could think of nothing I’d rather be doing than sitting inside a cold arena watching talented people skate really fast when I’ve never had the chance to learn how to. With figure skating, it’s the sparkly attire, beautiful spins, impressive jumps, and elegant movements that suck me in. With hockey, it’s the potential to see people fighting at any given moment, the amazement at how they can be in such control of such a small puck, and the visual of the rapid skating that keeps me entertained.

Figure skating

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had brief encounters with figure skating. Watching it every four years at the Olympics, of course, as well as randomly becoming obsessed with it for two weeks every other year and watching it for hours a day.

This time, I feel like I’ll keep a prolonged interest in it. I’ve got to take the time to figure out when, where, and how to watch all the competitions and galas! Until then, I’ve busied myself with enjoying whatever clips pop up on my timeline - which is a lot. And I’ve followed nearly every figure skater that competed at the Olympics, so I’m seeing it a lot more often, and that’s great.

I feel a level of peace while watching it that I don’t often feel - unless someone messes up and starts crying, at which point I start crying, too. And sometimes I do feel nauseous and start biting my nails and having to hold myself back from ripping out my hair during the high stakes events. But aside from that - since figure skating brings so much peace and good vibes, I’d like to watch it so much more often.

Thank you, figure skating, for making me so happy these last few months!

Sports

You know, I never know what to say to people when they ask me whether or not I like sports.

I always resort to just nodding and telling them I like American football, because I do. I’ve watched it since I was a toddler, and I became significantly more interested in it around 2020. So much so that every season since then, I never want to do anything on a Saturday aside from lounge around and watch the games all day. I’ve always preferred college football and always will, so I watch the NFL games with a bit of disdain on Sundays - mainly because the football itch hasn’t been totally scratched by the end of Saturday, and those are, of course, the only games coming on on Sunday - but I always wait impatiently for the next Saturday to roll around so I can enjoy the college games again. Of course, I catch whatever other games come on through the rest of the week, too.

Towards the beginning of football season, when the games seem to be on constantly, I am in heaven. When the season ends, I’m always sad, especially for the first month or two.

I tell people about my love of football because I don’t know - or at least, previously didn’t know - what to say when it comes to being asked whether or not I like sports in general. When people ask that, I think they’re asking whether or not I like to watch things like basketball, baseball, tennis, or golf. I do not. I can’t get into basketball no matter how hard I try (but I probably only say that because I’ve never tried particularly hard. I feel like I can get into pretty much anything if I do bother to try. With basketball, I watch half a game every other season, can’t find any interest in it, and move on.) I’ve just never felt inclined to sit and watch a baseball, golf, or tennis game. But I play tennis and golf pretty well (on the Wii.)

So, saying I like sports has always felt a little disingenuous to me since I don’t like the “main” ones I feel people are asking me about - and since, even though I’ve been watching it for decades, I cannot tell you more than 3 football rules - but now, I feel I can comfortably say that since I do like more of them, even if they aren’t the ones people are usually referring to when they ask.

I love figure skating, I adore gymnastics, I’m super interested in hockey, and I’ve been watching soccer since my close, personal friend Jungkook gave me a reason to tune into it during the FIFA World Cup of 2022. Plus, I love football. And cheerleading - is that considered a sport yet? It should’ve been considered a sport since the beginning of time, but whatever. Anyway.

When I was younger, I watched a lot of acrobatics, aerial dance, and other aerial arts. Those are sports, right? I’d like to get back to watching that. And Rhönrad! I always loved watching German Wheel, AKA wheel gymnastics, performances. I need to return to that, too!

Anyway I do think it’s safe to say that I quite like sports.

And with all that being said, being into sports really makes me happy.

Anything that offers a sense of community does. I feel touched every time I see thousands of people gathered together in the stands to watch the same game. When one side’s team wins, and the audience members leap to their feet, hugging and cheering simultaneously, it always feels heartwarming to witness, even if I’ve already seen it a million times over the years. When I see teammates giving each other pats on the butt, pressing their foreheads together - only separated by their helmets - or coming together to have a shoving match with the opposite team, it makes me smile. Even if I’m only watching these moments through the fuzz of my TV screen, it still feels like being a part of something. Plus, being into more sports has given me more to look forward to.

When the football season ends in February, I can turn my focus to hockey and figure skating. Hockey is often on TV what seems like every day, all day, or at least for the remainder of the evening after I get off work. You seem to have to trapeze through Hell and high water to watch figure skating galas and competitions, but once you learn how to navigate, I’m sure the journey doesn’t feel as tumultuous as it originally does.

When the hockey and figure skating seasons come to an end in the summer, Soccer will carry me through until November. I’ve yet to look into when I can look forward to watching gymnastics meets, but I’ll start watching them more often when I figure it out.

It probably doesn’t seem like a big deal to anyone reading this - and that’s because it’s not a big deal, but just a sudden realization, I guess.

I like sports, and that’s really fun.

It’s definitely made me happy to realize that in these first three months.

Pop Culture

Pop culture in general was popping the 1st 3 months of the year, and I’ve enjoyed so much of it. Some highlights that have been making me really happy:

• New Bruno album (even though it wasn’t my favorite - still, being blessed with more of Bruno’s beautiful voice is always wonderful)

• New Harry Styles album (not as much disco as one would assume, took a few listens to warm up to, but now it’s genuinely my jam)

• New BTS album (win after win after win for me, my GOD!)

• New Artemas mixtape (Literally just came out a few days ago, haven’t even listened, but guess what? I know it’s a banger just like the rest of his discography)

• Hannah Montana 20th Anniversary Special (I love Miley, I love Hannah. Always have, always will. Excellent, excellent, excellent food for me.)

• Olandria’s constant commitment to serving (dark skin Black woman getting her flowers, getting invited into big rooms with big names, right where she deserves to be. And eating every single event up. WE LOVE TO SEE IT!)

• The Grammys & Oscars (Award show season, come back to me already, please!)

Some pop culture moments I’m looking forward to in the next quarter?

Coachella, Met Gala, FIFA World Cup, Beyonce’s likely release, possible Megan Thee Stallion music (I’d assume?) Let’s gooo!

Love Island season 8, too.

Not sure if I’m tuning into it, but I’m sorry, I do hope it’s messy like last season.

I Don’t Feel Like I Wasted It

Finally, the thing that’s made me happiest about these three months is simply the fact that I don’t feel as if I’ve wasted them.

I see a lot of memes from people on Twitter who are talking about how little they did in these first three months, how the time flew by, how they wasted 90 days without meaning to, and how they’ll just have to attempt to start on their goals over the next nine months (even though they likely won’t) and I don’t relate to that at all. And I feel grateful for that.

I don’t mean to seem obnoxious, pretentious, like I’m better than anyone else, or anything of the sort. And I’m not judging people who haven’t started yet - you can always start going after what you want at any time, anyway.

But I’m just thankful because there was a time when I, too, felt like three months had passed and I had done nothing I said I was going to do in the new year. For me, it wasn’t a good feeling.

I don’t feel like I’ve wasted this first quarter in the least bit. I do have goals that I wanted to accomplish during this time that I didn’t, but I have done a lot. And even if I’d done a little, I’d still be proud. A little is more than nothing, after all.

So, I hope whoever may read this is proud of how their first quarter went, too. I hope you accomplished a lot of your goals, or even just a few. And if you didn’t, I hope you don’t beat yourself up for it, and instead, use it as motivation. There are still nine months ahead, and life doesn’t end after those nine months, either. You’ve got plenty of time.

Use some of it to reflect on the things from these first 90 days that made you feel happy or proud!

Let me know how the 1st 3 months went and how you want the next 3 to go.

Thank You for Your Support! <3

⭐

Thank you so much for reading! If you leave a comment with your thoughts, you’ll really make my day! I feel encouraged to keep writing when I know I can look forward to engaging with the people who’ve read my work, so thank you in advance for any comments you leave!

Leave a comment

Please feel free to restack this post, share it with your friends or followers, and recommend this publication to anyone you believe would enjoy it. I truly appreciate you spreading the word <3

Share Creating Romancivity

If you’d like to further support me, you can add a little ✨sparkle✨ to my Universe by leaving a small tip or showing some love to my small business.

(Take a browse through 🪐MQTWorld🪐 to see if any of my digital goods speak to you! There, you’ll find immersive LOASS manifestation tools, resources for romanticizing everyday life, and products that’ll help you organize, plan, and celebrate the special moments in your life!)

Whatever you do, I greatly appreciate you! Thank you so much again for reading. <3

⭐

Keep Reading

I’m a very curious, very ambitious person with many genuine passions and interests. And that is a recipe for disaster in a world where days are 24 hours long, not 72.

I love to consume media.

I love to read. Self-help, memoirs, romance fiction, Substack posts, marketing articles, pop culture rundowns, the list goes on and on. I want to be the kind of person who reads 52 books per year and over a thousand articles.

Discovering new small artists, understanding the impact of the legendary icons who shaped the music industry back in the day, and listening to albums in full, repeatedly, to immerse myself in them. I want to hear every song in every discography of every artist I discover, and I want to hear them each at least 3 to 5 times because that, to me, is when you really know how you feel about a song.

I would like to play more games and watch more movies and TV Shows. I would like to get to know new characters and empathize with their stories more frequently. I would like to understand and appreciate the art behind the decisions that showrunners, directors, scriptwriters, lighting technicians, actors, and everyone else involved in the filming process make.

I enjoy studying. I want to be smart, and more importantly, I want to be someone that people can talk to. I’d like it if there was no topic I was unfamiliar with, so anyone could talk to me about anything they care deeply about, and I could talk back. Just as informed, just as engaged.

I’d like it if I could know all the most common languages, so regardless of language, I could always communicate with someone who’s in need - of help, or a friend, or anything else.

I would like to study vocabulary more often so I can expand my lexicon and take writing courses to become a better writer. I’m self-studying marketing - finally, after years of wanting to - so I can be more valuable to my clients, especially now that I’ve shifted my focus to personal branding & storytelling, and narrative writing for musicians. And also because I need to know (better) how to market myself to clients, and how to market my digital product brand. I’ve wanted to study graphic design since I was a kid, and yet, I still don’t have the time for it.

I don’t have the time to start self-publishing eBooks or traditionally publish my currently not-started novel, either. Which sucks, because I want my bestselling, worldwide-famous novel adapted into a TV show by yesterday. And I want all the novels that follow it turned into shows, too.

And I need to learn more about screenwriting because I want to spend my 30s - although it scares me to think about the day when they’ll come - writing incredible material for incredible shows that will go on to win many, many awards. But also, I need to experience acting in at least one…ten of them, at some point, too.

But when will I have the time to do that in between writing editorials for magazines, learning to draw, and helping small artists produce their albums? Once I learn anything at all about production, that is.

How will I learn how to DJ or create my own songs for funsies amidst the chaos of finally learning to figure skate, code, and create my own apps?

It makes my skin crawl and my head pound and my breath hard to catch every time I think about just how much there is to do, and how little time I have to do it.

Recently, I’ve been comforted by seeing other multipassionate people steadily pursuing each of their dreams and interests. One at a time or all at once, but pursuing them all nonetheless.

Like this girl, who’s gone to nursing school, gotten a skydiving certification, graduated from culinary school, become a certified trainer, took the LSAT, and more over the course of just nine years. And her comment section is full of people who’ve also been around the world and back. Like a woman who’s got two master degrees, became an Opera singer, started a cleaning company, and now runs a micro bakery. And the woman who ran a dance program, got into MFA writing and publishing, started a tutoring business, started an admin certification program, and more.

I’ve also felt better since I’ve started breaking my years into quarters. It’s helped me make consistent progress with my own goals and understand where to place my focus and when.

And seeing just how much progress can be made toward something in the span of just one month, three months, six months, a year - that’s helped tremendously. In a lot of cases, things truly do not take as long to learn or achieve as you might think, and that knowledge has reassured me a lot.

But still, it’s hard to think about how much I want to do when I’m an impatient person who wants to do it all right now. I have the clearest vision in my mind of how I want my life to be and the goals I want to achieve and the projects I want to complete - and I can’t explain them to anyone, even if I try my hardest, because my explanation will never compare to actually seeing it done in the flesh. Neither will my vision. As clear as it is, it’s still not clear enough.

I crave seeing my completed goals playing out in front of me - not just visualized. The feeling of opening my eyes after visualizing something I want so badly and not seeing it before my eyes, right at that very moment, physically pains me. It makes my skin burn, and the walls of my bedroom feel like they’re closing in on me.

There’s nothing worse than being an impatient person with a clear vision and a physical reality that cannot move nearly as quickly as the mind.

But I’m getting a bit off track.

I want to spend every one of my days typing away on my Yunzii keyboard - and I do, but I mean I want to type specific things, all for me. Blog posts for my website, content for my products, Substack posts that feed my soul, and plotlines that will hook my nonexistent novel’s readers from start to finish.

But I also want to spend every one of my days learning the things I don’t know. Practicing graphic design and figuring out how to give a more thorough introduction of myself in Korean. Understanding the history behind certain cultural practices and building my skillset in every area I wish to be skilled in.

More than anything, I want to spend my time wrapped up in the music industry. Chatting with musicians on a daily basis and understanding the stories behind the decisions they’ve made when it comes to their art. Getting to know them, what makes them them, what makes their music their music. What their goals and dreams are, and how I can help them connect with the fans and the decision-makers who can make them come true.

I want to build community with other creatives - with writers, and artists, and fashion designers, and creatives that I don’t even realize are out there at this point.

Always racing against the clock, lightheaded and sweating as my eyes wildly scan the page, not sure where to land - which problem should I solve first? Should I go in order? Or would it be faster if I solved all the easiest problems first? But that would mean taking the time to find them and organize them from easiest to hardest. And I’ve already wasted 15 of my 60 seconds just thinking about this. And if, by the time the timer goes off, I haven’t solved (nearly) as many problems as my classmates, I’m going to be beyond embarrassed. Even if the teacher collects the papers before we can start showing each other how many we’ve solved, I’ll still know, as the other students talk about how many problems they got around to, that I didn’t do nearly as much, even though we had the same amount of time.

It’s kinda like that, but even worse. Imagine I had five of those stupid test papers in front of me, and still just sixty seconds to complete them all. That’s what life constantly feels like for me. There’s just so much to do and so little time to do it all. And it’s worse because it’s not like I’m trying to do things I don’t actually care about - like stupid math - but instead, I’m genuinely passionate about all the things I’m trying to do, so if I fail to do them all, it’s even worse.

I try to live in the present and not think so much about the future. And I’m only 25 - and I fuss at people all the time, “You know, you could live to be 80 or 100! And you’re never too old to start doing this, achieve that, get into this, unlearn that!” So, it’s pretty hypocritical of me to feel like I have to have everything done right now. But I can’t help it.

It’s not only the feeling of falling behind everyone else, or the constant thought of, “I should’ve achieved this by now,” or the desire to achieve things earlier because “It’ll be more impressive to get to say I did this by 25 than by 40,” or the fear of never actually doing it at all. It’s also just that stupid, crystal clear vision that haunts me more than inspires me, sometimes.

It’s like when you haven’t eaten in 12 hours on Thanksgiving day, and your mom keeps peeking into the living room, smiling, “Dinner will be ready soon!” but she’s been saying that for six hours now, and she won’t let you taste anything or “ruin your appetite,” by eating even so much as a cracker. And every time you close your eyes, you can see a huge plate of mac and cheese and yams and collard greens and chicken dressing and cranberry sauce sitting in front of you - you can smell it, you can practically taste it - but then when you open your eyes to reach for it, it’s not there.

It’s like being edged constantly.

It’s mine - but no it’s not. Not in the 3D. Yet.

I always feel ashamed for feeling this way, given how deeply I am into the Law of Assumption and how well I understand how it works. Fulfill yourself in imagination, enjoy your desires in the 4D, understand that it’s already yours, and trust that it will appear in the 3D soon enough. It’s what everyone in the LOASS community preaches - even me - and it’s true. But it doesn’t change the fact that when you’re human, it’s hard.

It’s hard to feel completely satisfied through visualizations, affirmations, and saturation sessions.

It’s in our nature to crave things in the physical sense.

And I’m off track again.

My point is just that it’s quite difficult to want so much, and I’m sick of it.

But I also wouldn’t have it any other way because going through life without passion for anything is something so many people struggle with. I prefer my struggle of being passionate about what feels like everything. It does keep me busy and gives me something to work toward all the time. It gives me drive and a sense of purpose, so that’s great.

But what’s not great is always feeling overstimulated because there are a million things to do, and only a hundred can possible, potentially be squeezed into the day. And dammit, if it can be done, I will do it. But jumping from one activity to the next, never giving my brain time to rest, leads to anxiety.

What’s not great is constantly keeping track of time to make sure I’m on it. Glancing at the clock every other minute, always thinking about the next thing on my to-do list instead of enjoying what I’m working on at present. Worrying I’ll miss the deadlines I decided to set for myself. It leads to anxiety.

What’s not great is feeling the need to be productive constantly because what sense does resting make when I could be spending my free time working toward something I’m passionate about instead? Why would I stop working after doing eight hours of client work when I could choose to work toward my brand launch for the next six hours instead? Why would I spend my weekend lying around doing nothing when I could write ten thousand words for Substack instead? Why would I get eight hours of sleep when I could wake up earlier and squeeze more productivity out of myself instead? This leads to anxiety.

I struggle to understand this all a lot. I legitimately love the things I spend the time doing, so isn’t it only right for me to keep squeezing more time in to do them? I want to launch my brand, and I enjoy a lot of the work that comes with working toward that, so what’s the problem if I work 14+ hours a day if it means I get to squeeze in some time to work on it? Writing for Substack gives me a release and makes me feel legitimately excited - like #girlwhosgoingtobeokay - and I’m eager to share my thoughts, ideas, and opinions with the world after spending a lifetime doing the opposite of that - so why would it be wrong for me to write from 5 am til 5 pm on weekends?

Sure, I have an excruciating headache, and I can’t breathe, and there are bags under my eyes, and I haven’t eaten in a day because I’ve been too busy, but if it means I can squeeze in the time to work on my music zine, it’s okay, right?

And don’t you dare stop writing until you’ve finished your fifth post of the day. You can write a measly five posts out of the fifty you have outlined. And don’t stop until you’ve edited them, too, actually. And scheduled them, and created graphics for them.

And don’t even think about going to bed without having spent at least a couple of hours studying on a Sunday because you should be able to study for four measly hours after not making time for it all week.

And how about this - if you come up with the backstories for at least five characters that could potentially appear in your novel, you can have a fifteen-minute break. And who cares if it’s been 12 hours since you used the bathroom - don’t get up until you’ve finished the rough draft of your short story. Peeing will be your reward.

And when your head feels like it’s about to pop and your heart is racing from anxiety to the point where you must lie down, then fine, you can lie down - but don’t just lie there, even still. You could listen to that new album you haven’t had the chance to get to yet, read a chapter of that book you said you’d read two weeks ago, or catch up on everything going on in Pop Culture via the totally peaceful, totally not-anxiety-inducing, safe space known as Twitter.

But if you don’t have the energy to do anything aside from scroll, scroll through educational content that’ll help you gain the knowledge you need to go further in your career. Spend your day off researching how to do this and that, how to break into this and that, how to achieve this and that. Browse LinkedIn. Look at the professionals in the industry you want to be in - what they’re doing, what their tips and advice are, how much farther ahead they are than you. And no, it doesn’t matter that they’ve been in this industry for twenty years - and yes, you’re still a failure if you don’t know as much as, make as much as, or have a system as efficient as theirs.

And if you haven’t completed all the goals you had for the weekend, yes, you should be disappointed in yourself for failing then, too. You didn’t binge-watch the three shows, watch the six movies, listen to the twelve albums, read the fourteen books, have your weekly reflection, scrapbook, learn to crochet, and start your twentieth hobby of the month? You failed. And you wouldn’t have if you’d tried harder.

Sometimes, being passionate about stuff really does suck.

It’s like having a helicopter parent, except I’m the helicopter parent, and it’s like - girl, why are you doing all that?

Maybe because the passion drives me and makes me feel hungry - starved - for the things I want. I want the success, and I want to accomplish the stuff, and I want it all to happen now. But if I can’t have it right now, I will spend every waking second working toward it until I do have it, and if I don’t, maybe I don’t want it enough or perhaps I want it plenty and I’m just a weak failure.

And I won’t stop until I’ve done it, and I will consider it a blessing that I have so much ambition, a strong work ethic, audacity, discipline - and that I am consistent. But consistency isn’t really a good thing when I’m just consistently pushing myself too hard.

But if I’m successful in the end - and if these things are my passions - the pushing is justifiable, no?

Sigh

II. But Who Set This System Up?

This is how things are supposed to be. This is how you can be admired for being a productive person who has all their crap together. This is how you can consider yourself to be successful.

You buy live a healthy lifestyle. You keep a healthy diet, squeezing in all your healthy fats, all your protein, all your everything else. You drink green drinks, smoothies, and turmeric shots. You take 12 vitamins and supplements a day. You meal-prep and eat whole-wheat and gluten-free. You become a vegetarian, maybe even go vegan, and you shop exclusively at the farmer’s market.

You exercise every day, at least five days a week. You pay for a gym membership. You walk ten thousand steps, or several miles a day, and you have at least an hour-long high-intensity workout, too.

You pay exorbitant amounts for insurance that’ll let you visit the doctor for your yearly check-ups and whenever you feel sick or notice a new change in your body. You go to the dentist, the chiropractor, the therapist. You have a dietitian, a dermatologist, a specialist.

You pay for do your skincare, your hair-care, your self-care ritual. You meditate for ten minutes, or thirty minutes, or an hour, or two hours a day. You pay for a special app that has the best meditations, or YouTube Premium so you can watch videos without interruptions, or you’re forced to find an adblocker that does the same thing for free - one that still works, after tightened restrictions designed to ensure you’ve got no choice but to spend some money.

You put on your $100 Lululemon jacket and your $100 Lululemon leggings, pull out your $50 yoga mat, and your $200 worth of equipment, do your yoga. You open your $10 app to do your breathwork, and you say your affirmations. You whip out your $15 journal, reflect, and express gratitude. You regulate your nervous system even further with somatic shaking and EFT tapping. And by going out into nature exploring whatever portion of it that hasn’t yet been claimed by a private entity that wants you to pay to explore what was once free.

You change into your $75 pajamas, buy a $100 pillow and the best silk pillowcases money can buy, crawl under your $40 cozy blanket and $200 comforter, get 8 hours of sleep, maybe even more, but you wake up super early - 5 or 6 am.

Hearty breakfast, plant-based, lunch, organic dinner, freshly-made snacks made from scratch in between.

You spend quality time with your romantic partner, having thoughtful conversations over lavish, romantic dates where you take Instagram-worthy photos for the perfect weekly dump and try not to think about just how much your love and your IG feed are costing you when the bill comes. You have excellent communication, healthy boundaries, a great sex life, and an amazing wedding ceremony already planned down to the very last incredibly costly detail.

You’ll invite the community you’ve both somehow, magically managed to build and maintain, even while working from dusk till dawn daily, and despite being taught to prioritize romantic partners above all other forms of community, who couldn’t possibly matter as much as whoever fucks you to it. The six best friends each of you has, the fifty really good friends you both have, and the hundred acquaintances you each have, too. Plus, your families, coworkers, and neighbors, of course.

You’ve shown up for that community time and time again, somehow, in the midst of being taught not to inconvenience yourself for others and to always have strong boundaries and always cut off anyone who even accidentally steps over them immediately and they’ve shown up for you in between making weird story time TikToks about you for clout. You help out with fundraisers and charitable events as if you don’t need some fundraising and charity to keep your own self afloat in this economy. You’ve come together to attend protests with what time?, and you’ve gathered together at school events with what energy?. When the library hosts special activities, when the carnival comes around, when the Renaissance Faire, cosplay conventions, and concerts come to town, you all go together or spend time with each other there with what money?.

When you aren’t doing those things, you’re cleaning your house, raising your kids, engaging with your six hobbies, answering your friends’ texts on time, getting the education, remembering the birthdays, expanding your knowledge and skillset, networking, reading 100 books per year, staying up to date on trends, pop culture, and all the latest releases. You’re keeping up with politics and world events, maintaining your appearance with nail and hair appointments, traveling, vacationing, reducing your screen time, documenting every memory, staying present, going analog, romanticizing your life, creating traditions, starting an emergency fund, retirement plan, side hustle, and passive income while buying a new phone each year, and clothes that are in season, and the 6,000 other things you’ve been convinced you need.

All while working 40 to 80 hours a week just to make ends meet.

Yeah right.

The system has been set up to make us all feel like self-loathing, not-good-enough, pathetic excuses, and failures at all times.

There are only 365 days a year. If you work a full-time job, you get 14 paid vacation days off work - maybe even a whopping 20 if you’ve been working with a kind-hearted company for 5 to 10 years - and there are only 24 hours in a day. Even if you only sleep for six of ‘em, you’re not going to accomplish all the crap you’ve been told to put on your to-do list.

There’s always a reason to feel like you’ve failed. Like you’re not good enough, not doing enough, and like you’re always dropping the ball.

When you do the meditation, the affirmations, the journaling, the self-reflection, the yoga, the breathwork, the meal-prepping, the exercising - then you don’t have time to do as much work as you thought you’d get done, and you don’t have the time to check in on your friends, and you don’t have the time to engage with your hobbies, either.

And then you think to yourself, “I failed. I didn’t squeeze the very last drop of my energy out so I could do these things. I didn’t figure out a way to freeze time or make it pass more slowly, so the moon wouldn’t replace the sun before I could get around to it. I failed.”

When you work the 16+ hour days you need to work in order to maintain your day job and start the side hustle you’re basically required to start if you wanna survive the rapidly rising costs of living, you don’t have the mental capacity or patience for that meaningful conversation with your love interest, or the date you two had planned, or the quality time you promised your kids, or the play date you promised them you’d host this weekend.

And then you think to yourself, “I’m a failure. I let my partner down, I let my kid down - I let my family down. I failed.”

But the 80+ hours you worked this week make you feel like a failure just as well. Not only did you miss out on other important things because of them - not only did you do nothing aside from working yourself into exhaustion - but you don’t even know what it was all for because you still can’t afford to pay the latest bill that came in the mail - and if you can, you can’t afford anything else.

“I failed. I worked this hard, and I still can’t treat myself to a steak, a movie ticket, a new pair of shoes, a concert ticket, a spa day, a Halloween costume, a vacation, a new car, a Christmas present, a new electronic - whatever. Nothing. I failed.”

Everywhere you look, people are talking about how important it is to truly live life. To go out and explore, have experiences, make memories. But that would require taking time off work, and that would require having the money needed to do so.

You’re pressured to stay up to date with the current trends - you’re lame if your phone is two years old, your shoes look rundown, and you have hair strands out of place because you haven’t made it to your scheduled hair appointment. Why are your nails over two weeks old? Why are you wearing that outfit again? You already wore it once before. Why aren’t your lashes done? Why don’t you have this new $100 skincare product?

Why aren’t you going to that sporting event with tickets that start at $500? You’ve never seen this artist in concert before? You’re not a real fan. Buy the $1000 concert ticket to prove you’re a real fan.

How come you’re eating prepackaged foods instead of making everything from scratch? Why are you eating canned goods instead of fresh produce, and microwavable meals instead of Certified Naturally Grown nutritional meals? Don’t be cheap; prioritize your health. Get the good stuff.

Spoil yourself. Book that vacation. Get that $300/night hotel room and those $1100 plane tickets. Go make memories with your family and your friends. It’ll only cost your group $10k - $20k total.

Treat yourself. Get the Stanley Cup, the bath bombs, the bubble bath, the expensive wine, the luxury robe, the foot massager, the $40 hardcover book - have a special night in, a little me time, your treat.

Kick back and relax. Watch a movie on the streaming service that goes up $1.99 every 3 to 6 months. Do something whimsical and fun, buy the silly little Labubu, spend the weekend playing the latest $50 game on the $500 PS5.

Oh, you’re overstimulated? Get offline and pick up a new hobby! Buy the coloring books, the LEGO set, the puzzle, the knitting tools, the gardening supplies, the fucking word search puzzle book, and just relax.

Not having the time or money isn’t an excuse. Just start a side hustle or six, generate passive income, start scamming, become an influencer, find a man who’ll pay for everything you could possibly want if you’re willing to tolerate his abuse and be his sex doll, or sell a PLR course.

“I failed. I can’t afford to survive. I can’t afford to have fun. I can’t afford to live. I failed.”

But did you, though?

Did you fail or were you failed?

Too much is expected of us, not enough is given.

Prices are steadily going up, paychecks are staying the exact same - or ceasing to exist entirely because unemployment is going up, too.

Here we go, judging the next person for what they have or don’t have, and by when. Mind you, it’s the corporations that are playing in our faces. The economy that is playing in our faces. The job market that is playing in our faces. The government that fails to protect us at every step.

They don’t make life better or easier for us. They actively conspire to make it harder. We’re being taxed to Hell and back, and we’d better pay them with the quickness before we wind up behind bars, or at least with what little income we have seized immediately. But when we’re cheated out of our money by shady corporations or screwed over by the government assistance programs that are supposed to help us - the ones that take away their barely-there “assistance” the second they decide you might not die without it - there’s no sense of urgency to right those wrongs.

When it comes to systems that can end hunger, homelessness, or any other form of suffering, they seem few and far between. Meanwhile, we can somehow find the time to make it more difficult for people to remain housed and then penalize those who end up on the streets.

(And we can turn our noses up at homeless people, call them disgusting, stinky, irresponsible, and unintelligent for “allowing” themselves to end up on the streets. We can judge them for drug addictions we’ve made up in our minds they must have - cause the only people that can end up homeless are the “Stupid crackheads” right? We can say they did it all to themselves. All that while refusing to acknowledge we’re all one slightly extended health emergency away from being in the same position. All that judging, just for you to be lying on the cement next to them begging for one of their blankets if you don’t show up to work for three weeks.)

We can find the time to take free meals away from children, and rights away from women, and safeguards away from the LGBTQ+ community, and freedom of speech away from everyone, too.

Yet, when I ask where the universal paid sick leave, stronger rent control, student debt relief systems that actually reduce long-term burden, better protections for gig workers and freelancers, stronger elder care protections, affordable public transportation expansion, automatic minimum wage increases, mental health care that is truly affordable, universal affordable childcare, better infrastructure that can handle extreme weather conditions, and climate protections strong enough to stop corporations from worsening environmental harm are, suddenly it’s crickets. Now, all of a sudden, can’t shit get passed. Now laws, no bills, no nothing.

I find it laughable that any of us can have the audacity to think of ourselves as failures when we don’t get to do the things we’ve been told we should be able to do - like having the experiences, showing up for our communities, taking care of our health, buying the latest BS - because we’re all too busy just trying to survive existing within a system that has set us all up for failure. A system in which work takes over everything and barely gives us anything in return.

If I were in charge of how the whole world works - if I could create a Utopian society - everyone would have a home. Every single person would receive food stamps because no one should go hungry, and if we’re born into this world, that means we’ve got to eat. It’s a basic necessity, so it should be provided to us upon birth.

Everyone would get free healthcare and free childcare, too. The world wouldn’t have nearly as large a population because nobody who doesn’t want kids would be forced to have them, and those that do want them would have to go through Hell and high water to prove they’re capable of taking care of them without traumatizing the ever-loving shit out of them.

Public transportation would be available everywhere, even outside major cities, and it would be easily accessible and free for all. Unlimited PTO would be available for everyone, regardless of job. It would be illegal for a country to allow a single one of its citizens to make any less than a livable wage, whether a janitor, a doctor, a retail employee, or a lawyer.

College degrees would be funded by rich people, or something. Would there be rich people? There wouldn’t be billionaires. Even if there were, they’d gladly redistribute their wealth.

Politicians would be on their Ps and Qs at all times because the entirety of the world would be like France. They feel disrespected, and they start burning shit down. I like it. I imagine their politicians are a bit more fearful of them because of it, and I think that’s how it should be.

In my Utopian society, politicians would be burned at the stake if they didn’t do right by their people. They’d walk around terrified, constantly, because they’d know that one wrong move would essentially transform them into a woman in Salem circa 1690.

Funnily, every time I try to imagine a Utopian society, at least a little darkness creeps in.

Sorry, but I think politicians should be like medieval court jesters. They should be attempting to “entertain” us by, oh, I don’t know, making laws and passing bills that actually benefit us, protect us, and make our lives easier. And if they make one wrong move, well…

The list goes on and on, but thinking about how I don’t rule this world and it can’t be this way just makes me sad, so I’ll end it here.

Just know this: We don’t have the privilege of living in a world where our leaders give a damn about us. Where there are systems in place to help us succeed. Where life is actually fair.

Instead, we live in a world where we’re set up to fail daily, constantly, in one way or another.

Whether it’s failing to make enough money, failing to balance our work and our life, failing to pursue every one of the passions we have, failing to have the experiences, failing to get the rest, failing to show up for the people, failing to take care of our health, failing to achieve the things, failing to learn the stuff - whatever. Failure is a part of our everyday lives due to our lack of time, lack of capacity, and the lack of support this stupid system gives us - and that’s to no fault of our own, so don’t beat yourself up about it too much.

I wrote this because I intend to stop being so hard on myself for everything I fail to do. I’m coming to the conclusion that every time I fail to do one thing, it’s because I chose to succeed in doing another. I hope you can come to understand that, too.

Don’t see yourself as a failure just because you’re struggling. Understand that the world has failed you.

Thank You for Your Support <3

Thank you so much for being here. It means the world to me that there are people out there who want to read what I write or who care about some of the same things I do. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read my posts or interact with me in any way. It doesn’t go unnoticed, and I truly appreciate it!

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Thank you so much for reading! If you leave a comment with your thoughts, you’ll really make my day! I feel encouraged to keep writing when I know I can look forward to engaging with the people who’ve read my work, so thank you in advance for any comments you leave! If you have any questions, let me know. And I’d love it if you introduced yourself to the community! Feel free to promote your work as well <3

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I have an insane amount of photos saved to my camera roll. Every time I attempt to clean it out, I dirty it right back up again with thousands more pictures that won’t get glanced at again for at least two to three years. I’m too lazy to upload them to Pinterest - and most of them have already been posted there 100,000 times before I’ve even had the thought to post them myself, so really, I’m just too lazy to find them and save them there. So, they sit, waiting for something to be done with them, making me anxious as they linger.

Which is why I was sooo happy when I came across the most amazing post by ! Her inspo dumping 01 post was such an amazing idea that lived in my head rent-free! I was grateful that she was okay with me doing my own version!!

And that’s how we got here. That and the fact that I need collage-making practice anyway.

So, here’s the first of what’s likely to be many posts like this. I am determined to clear out my gallery by sharing some of my fave pics with you <3 For this post, I wanted to share pics from my album, "details.”

1st starting with Anok Yai, and her stunning Met Gala after-party looks. The 2026 Met Gala is rapidly approaching, so it’s only right to finally get these pics out of my gallery to clear room for new ones.

Anok’s beauty is literally out of this world, and I adore anything sparkly, glittery, or bedazzled in any kind of way, so her Met Gala/Gala After Party looks have really done it for me!

She always looks so ethereal <3

I love anything floral, too. Such a soft, feminine, beautiful aesthetic, but I adore the armor-like floral detailing of Anna Taylor-Joy’s dress because of how two aesthetics - hard and soft - clash. It feels like a juxtaposition, which I always love.

The dress on the left lives in my head, rent-free, constantly. It’s a simple dress, but it’s one that would absolutely gag me if I saw it on the red carpet.

I think about the top in the top three pictures soo often. I love an eye-catching design, I do! I also think constantly about the gold flower top Camila Mendes wore at Vanity Fair’s 2024 Oscar party constantly. Just stunning!

I love colorful stuff, what can I say? It feels like everybody is afraid of vibrancy these days, with most people opting for minimalist, usually neutral, aesthetics. Bring back color, bring back fun!!

Just ! Gorgeous !

Butterflies make such a simple and beautiful aesthetic. Obsessed!

I think about BTS’ tattoos a perfectly normal, regular, sane amount.

More pics I think of so often <3 especially the ones from the 2024 Summer Olympics. Sigh. I wish the Olympics could just go on continuously, forever.

Megan Thee Stallion’s Bigger In Texas video is soo beyond aesthetically pleasing to me. The photo of Michael and Elizabeth Taylor is SO vivid/vibrant - every time I see a piece of media from the 80s-early 2000s, I feel an overwhelming amount of jealousy consuming me. Everything was just so bright, well-lit, and colorful. SIGH.

I love that I’ve been a fan of Beyonce since I was a literal baby and yet still, I find looks of hers that I’ve never seen before. When I saw this one, I fell in love with it instantly. Motha’s never looked a mess a day in her life! The same goes for Zendaya, whose shoot for Vogue Italia July 2022 also takes up residence in my head quite often. Raoul Alejandre did TF out of her makeup.

This is the best pose a pretty girl can do, like, I’m sorry.

Skin and gems, baby!!!

I think about the pearl-covered figurine by Elsid so much. It’s got to be one of my favorite pics ever, which sucked because I genuinely thought it was AI for the longest, but it’s not, so I’m happy !

I made all these in one go, so by this point, I was getting lazy lol but here are some more beautiful people and beautiful details!

I took a few hours to make these while listening to YouTube commentary videos and then Harry’s Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally. (three times!!0 and THEN Namjoon’s Right People, Wrong Place, and it was soo much fun and so relaxing! I truly forgot how fun it was to sort through pretty pictures and make them into collages. It’s definitely something I have to return to doing more often - and since it gives me something to do while listening to music, I definitely will. Next time, I’m going to light a candle, do a face mask, and drink my hibiscus tea while I do it.

I hope someone out there enjoys this because there’s definitely more to come. <3

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Also, this is my first post in my new “Open Drawer” category! I wanted a designated place within my Substack where the posts don’t have to feel as polished as I try to make my other ones. My intention is for this area to be more chill - but I’ll be battling against my perfectionism constantly, so who knows haha. Anyway, how did you like it?

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I’ve been showing different parts of my Notion Media Library for Romancivity All Around, and so far, I’ve shown:

• An overview of the library

• The Episode of the Day section

• My Music Lounge

• My Curated Viewing Sections

• The Rooms That Exist Within It

So now, I wanted to show the creativity camp section!

This is pretty much my favorite part of my media library aside from my aural immersion section. It’s where I keep track of my creative projects and other things that make me feel creative.

The best area within my Creative Camp is definitely my Creative Library! This part is specifically dedicated to my creative projects, which I don’t have many of right now, but it’s more than I used to have, so I’m happy!

Right now, I spend the majority of my hobby time, AKA my Garden Hour, working on Substack posts!

When I’m not doing that, I’m working on my music zine.

I don’t spend a lot of time on it, since my other two projects take up the majority of my free time, but I occasionally create characters, brainstorm plots, and enjoy world-building for fun!

Eventually, I’d like to start working on a fun portfolio project idea that I’ve had for a while and enjoy a few other creative projects that I’ve got in mind. Whenever I do, they’ll live in this area, too!

Outside of my Creative Library, my Creativity Camp section also has my Episode of the Day area, which is where I write my daily gratitude, random happiness of the day, small daily wins, the day’s journal entry, etc. But most importantly (and most fun), I give each day a title, as if it’s an episode of a sitcom.

(I wrote about how this practice has legit been life-changing here!)

Then there’s my “1000 Nos” section. I don’t use it much right now, but I’m collecting ideas and intending to start using it later in the year.

For context, I saw a girl on TikTok who was making it her goal to get 1000 nos. Basically using it as rejection therapy, stepping outside of her comfort zone more often, and best of all, realizing that people don’t say no as often as she would’ve expected, which is leading to her fulfilling dreams and getting more opportunities than she ever would’ve imagined!

@gabbies1000nos @gabbies1000nos ♬ original sound - Gabriella Carr

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I’ve seen a lot of people do this, and I want to do the same, as I could definitely stand to step outside my comfort zone more often, and having audacity is what gets you the things you want in life, so I’m definitely trying to have more of it myself. But doing this will have to come a bit down the line for me, once I’ve tied up some loose ends behind the scenes.

Some of the things on my list of 1000 nos include reaching out to more musicians for interviews, pitching my services to small record labels, and just introducing myself to industry professionals and asking for any tips/advice they’re willing to spare.

Perhaps small goals for some, but big steps for me!

I have a Sprints and Challenges section of my Creativity Camp, too. It’s exactly what it sounds like - an area where I keep up with any sprints or challenges I decide to have. These often either include challenges for me to do more creative things or just naturally lead to me doing them, so I thought it felt well in the Creativity Camp.

Finally, there’s my Hobby and Creativity Tracker & Weekly and Monthly Reflections pages. They’re also exactly what they sound like.

I like keeping track of how long I’m engaging with my hobbies each day and what I decided to spend my time on. It helps me stay consistent with enjoying my hobby time - because I do not like having to write that I didn’t do anything that brought me enjoyment that day.

My reflections allow me to see what my weekly or monthly focuses were, so that way, I know to spend more time on a hobby that didn’t get as much love during the previous week/month.

So, that’s it! That’s my Creativity Camp section!

As with all my posts about my media library, I wanted to share this in case it inspires someone to do something similar. Make sure you’re carving out time to enjoy the things you love whenever you can, and try to create a space that you can always return to when you want to feel inspired and get creative.

Until next time <3

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Coming into this year, I felt miserable, depleted, stressed out, and completely drained. 2025 dragged me by whatever’s left of my edges and didn’t seem to let up for a second.

It was the year of health scares for those that I loved, me coming to terms with mortality, consistency (part 1) - having breakdowns every day, without missing even one day, and consistency (part 2) - having 12 to 16-hour workdays 6, sometimes 7 days per week.

It was the year I decided to start building my brand, MQTWorld, because I knew I needed a change if I ever wanted to see an increase in income, and because relying on freelance writing clients has proven to be anxiety-inducing. (I need something on the side if I don’t want to spend the rest of my life holding my breath every time I see I’ve got a new message from a client, and wondering whether they’re telling me they’ve decided to halt the project due to a lack of budget.)

And don’t get me wrong, creating my brand was the best decision of my life - I know that right now, even before it’s launched - because it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it’s forced me to be consistent with building something for over a year. And now I know I can do anything I set my mind to!

But as passionate as I am about my brand, and as much as I legitimately love working on it so much that I am willing to spend 12+ hours a day 6 or 7 days a week working toward my launch, overworking myself to Hell and back for a year straight was not the move and that was proven by just how utterly drained I was by the end of 2025.

My days were long, and yet life seemed to be passing by too fast. Monday bled into Friday within the span of precisely three minutes each week. Every day looked the same. And there was nothing to look forward to besides work and whatever traumatic event was going to unfold next - cause there was always at least one, if not multiple, just around the corner.

Wasn’t much of a life.

I knew coming into 2026 that something had to change. I look forward to making my New Year’s resolutions each year because I do stick to them, and I love the joy of entering a brand new year. But I knew that this year had to be at least a little different.

I couldn’t come into 2026 with just my usual goals. Read more books, make more money, listen to more music, study this, upgrade my career by doing that…All those goals are great, and I do still have them, but this year I needed something more.

Something that could actually make a change in my life, whether I accomplished those other goals or not. Something that would make life feel worth living and make me feel as if I had a good year by the end of it, even if I was trapped in the same crappy circumstances from last year. I needed something that could allow me to see the beauty in my life even during my darkest days.

It took a while of thinking, but eventually, I realized that this new goal of mine - the one that would allow me to feel okay even if I didn’t accomplish my other ones and even if my circumstances didn’t change - was to welcome more Romancivity into my life.

Romance and creativity.

Romanticizing my life as much as possible, doing the things that give me even an ounce of happiness each day, keeping track of the little moments that bring a smile to my face, the small wins, the big wins, the happy little accidents, the endearing coincidences - the simple things that bring me joy.

Lighting the candles, cuddling into the blankets, listening to the lo-fi, watching the Studio Ghibli, buying the stuffed animals, drinking the tea, playing with the mood lighting, reminding myself that it’s not that I “have to” it’s that I “get to” - any and all things that make my daily life feel at least a little more romantic.

And returning to my creative self. Being the creative being I know I can be.

Writing articles for fun about things that interest me. Brainstorming and character crafting and world-building and outlining for novels that I may or may not actually write one day.

Creating themed playlists and in-depth album concepts. Playing with visual elements - making photo collages and fan edits and cute little recipe cards and interesting-looking zines and aesthetic scrapbook or journal pages - even though I suck at graphic design.

Doing things I’m bad at just because I enjoy them and challenging myself not to be embarrassed about it. Letting go of perfectionism.

Learning about different art styles. Studying things that interest me for fun. Writing book reports and music reports for fun. Working on portfolio pieces for fun. Being the nerd I am, in the name of fun.

Allowing myself to be creative in whatever way that may look like, depending on the day.

It’s only February 19th as I write this - March as I publish it - but so far, I have been having a blast.

Life isn’t perfect; sometimes days are bad.

And I don’t have time to work on everything consistently.

Days go by without me having touched my novel brainstorming Notion pages as I’m too busy writing up a storm for Substack. And my music zine is all but forgotten for a few weeks as I get back into studying Korean. And none of the topics I’ve said I want to research for funsies have gotten researched just yet.

But I still feel proud of myself because every single day, I do something creative - something that brings me joy. And unfortunately, I don’t have the words to explain just how proud I am of myself for it. For allowing myself to flow in and out of different hobbies naturally, without forcing myself to stick to something that’s supposed to be fun just because I feel I have to complete it, and perfectly. For giving myself the time to engage with my hobbies at all.

My days are still jam-packed, and even waking up as early as I do, it seems I never have enough time to do everything I want to. But despite that, I do make time to be creative every day - to work on projects that feed my soul - and I’m proud of that.

For me, creativity looks like letting loose and doing whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it this year. It means working on zines and Substack posts, mostly, and reading books I like, and engaging with music in different, fun ways, too.

Looking into getting into crocheting, diamond painting, and punch needling (with what time?)

Eventually learning how to draw something more than a stick figure - or better yet, drawing pictures that look worse than my three-year-old nephew’s and being perfectly fine with it.

Having my “Episode of the Day,” taking on the 1000 nos challenge, and embracing whimsy more often.

The list goes on. What’s on yours?

What does creativity look like for you this year?

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Keep Reading

My Notion Media Library is where I track my media consumption, from the books I read to the movies and shows I watch, the games I play, and the music I listen to. It’s also got a Creativity Camp section, where I keep track of the creative projects I’m working on, my Episodes of the Day, and even the sprints and challenges I decide to partake in. And although I haven’t created a designated page for it, it’s also where - in my mind - the concepts of my Opening Hour and Garden Hour live.

I’ve made some other posts explaining the different sections and pages that create my media library in detail, but I wanted to make this one so you can see how it all comes together to form my beloved ecosystem!

As always, I’m sharing this in hopes that it’ll inspire others to do the same thing, or something totally different that works for them. I think it’s important that we all create space for ourselves to be creative, stay regulated, and maybe even track what we’re consuming on a daily basis. Doing this has definitely helped me pick up on some of my habits and patterns, understand the way I function better, and be more creative more often, which is the most important thing to me. Plus, it’ll be great to look back on months or years from now!

So, figure out what works for you - and no, you don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Experiment - then do it.

Now, let’s get into it!

I should probably start by explaining what my Opening and Garden hours are. I’ve already posted about them, so I won’t go too into detail, but here’s the gist:

Opening Hour is the first hour after I’ve woken up. It’s the hour I use to set myself up for success throughout the rest of the day. During this time, I say my affirmations, meditate, do breathwork, journal, etc. Your Opening Hour can look totally different - just make sure it allows you to start the morning off slow and on the right foot. Instead of waking up at the last minute and rushing straight into the day’s responsibilities, give yourself some time to come to, set intentions for the day, and start your day peacefully.

Garden Hour: Watering the Garden of Me takes place in the second hour after I’ve woken up. After my slow morning routine, I jump straight into my nonnegotiable hobby time for the day. During this time, I can do anything that counts as one of my hobbies and anything creative. Reading, studying for fun, working on my music zine, working on Substack posts, scrapbooking, photo editing, making cute recipe cards - these are just a few of the things I sometimes do during my Garden Hour. I don’t preplan what I’m going to do and just do whatever I feel like that day.

I call it my Garden Hour because it’s the time during which I do the things that nurture and feed my soul. If I’m a plant, this hour is the water and nutrition I need to survive.

My Garden Hour is crucial because it gives me the time I’d usually lack to spend on my hobbies and being creative. I purposefully placed it at the beginning of the day because I know from past experience that I’m less likely to pick up my hobby after I’ve been drained from a long work day - and the slower and softer your morning can be, the better. The first two hours of my day being entirely dedicated to me and the things I like is perfect, especially since I’m always trying to embody the version of me who lives a soft, easy life.

It’s worth noting that I’m a childfree individual who wakes up at 5:55 am each day, and I’m a self-employed freelancer who works from home, so I get to decide my own schedule. I know it might be more difficult to do something like this if you have a family to take care of, a job to be at by a certain time each day, and refuse to wake up any earlier than you have to. But I hope everyone reading this at least tries to do this or something similar - something that works for them, whatever that looks like. Because I truly believe everyone deserves to start the day off on a positive note, and this is a great way to do it.

My Opening Hour and Garden Hour are two windows of time that I get to enjoy each and every day, no exceptions. But there are other windows of time that I make space for in my days, not on a daily basis, but ideally, every week, at least.

First, there’s my Aural Immersion: My Music Window of the Week.

(BTW, in *After Completing 31 “Episode of the Days,” I Can Officially Say It Has Changed My Life,* I talked about how naming simple tasks something cute allows me to stick with them. Hence the names.)

My music window of the week is definitely my favorite time aside from Opening and Garden hour! This is a two-hour period during which I can listen to new songs, new albums, new artists, do deep dives into artists’ discographies, watch new music videos, etc.

In the same way that I often enjoy more than just one hobby hour per day, I listen to way more than just two hours of music per week. This timespan is just my “mandatory” music listening time - a reminder for me to make time for myself to engage with (new) music for at least two hours a week if nothing else. Because this is essentially “me” time and self-care for me.

Music feeds my creative soul and energizes me. I feel happiest when I’m discovering new music that I like or revisiting old albums that I’ve adored, etc. So, this period of time is just me making sure I’m doing that weekly instead of going weeks without listening to anything new.

Then there’s my Turning Pages: Story Immersion section of the ecosystem. This is my space for keeping tabs of the books I’m reading, my thoughts, opinions, and ratings of them - the usual.

I consider reading to be a hobby of mine, so when I don’t feel like doing anything creative during my Garden hour, I just ease my way into the day by reading a few chapters of my current book.

But lately, I’ve been reading Substack posts for an hour before bed, too. And while I love that, I do wonder if I should spend that hour reading a few chapters of my book instead - because I’ve stopped reading my current book completely this month in favor of reading Substack posts…Maybe I should aim for two reading hours per day + my Garden Hour lol.

But I’m getting side-tracked, so anyway…

My Weekly Feature: My Moving Picture of the Week (for movies) and Curated Viewing: My “Stories” (for TV Shows) are the sections where I keep tabs on the movies and shows I want to watch, when I first watched or finished them, the actors I want to remember, etc.

As with my other sections, this area gives me space to write my thoughts and opinions on the media I’m consuming, which is great because if I don’t have anyone to talk to about it (which I usually don’t), I need somewhere for those thoughts to go. Otherwise, they’ll keep cluttering my head until I can get them out.

And I love that I get to come back to review my thoughts at a later date - maybe in a year or so - and see if future me still agrees with current me.

My goal is always to watch at least one movie per week - which I’ve failed to do as I’ve still watched exactly zero movies at the time of me writing this - and a new episode of a show each day - which has also been a fail, but I knew I wasn’t going to be strict with this one anyway.

Ideally, I’d spend at least an hour or two per week watching new episodes and, of course, watch that new movie each week. But there are only so many hours in the day, and I really prefer reading and listening to music to watching new stuff. So…

My “Game Room” section isn’t anything too special. It’s just where I keep track of what games I want to play and which platform they’re available on.

I play games off-and-on, occasionally. More than I watch TV or movies, I guess. For some reason, fall/winter seems to be when I start to get into playing games. September - December is always spent with me playing for a few hours a day.

October 2024 is when I first started playing Dress to Impress, which I play somewhat consistently year-round. Last October, I replayed the Telltale TWD series for the first time in years, and that was fun! Somewhere between there, I got into finding new Roblox games to play, which was nice. Right now, I hardly think about playing anything at all, though. So, not much going on in this area.

Then there’s my Creativity Camp section! I love this area of my media library so much!

It’s where I keep track of the creative projects I’m working on, my Episodes of the Day, and how much time I’m spending on my hobbies, plus which ones I’m spending it on.

My Creative Library is the area where my creative projects are placed. Right now, I’m just working on a music zine, my Substack posts, and I do a lot of plotting and character brainstorming for fun, too. Plus, I’m finally getting around to doing more photo editing, which I count as graphic design practice!

My Episode of the Day area is where I write and keep track of my daily gratitude, small and big wins, little moments of happiness, and daily journal entries. I try to provide a pic for each day if I can, and my favorite part of it is getting to give each day its own “episode” name.

It’s basically just daily journaling/reflection, but with a more fun spin on it, which is what I needed in order to stay consistent with it. Doing my Episode of the Day has legit become the highlight of my days, and it’s helped me tremendously when it comes to understanding that each day actually is different, no matter how repetitive they may sometimes seem.

I’m seeing a lot of positive changes in my life, mindset, and overall mood because of this practice, so I highly recommend it.

So, those are the main parts of my media library! Then there’s:

• Let’s Get 1000 Nos! - Where I track the things I want to do that are a little outside of my comfort zone, but that I’m going to start pursuing anyway. It’s rejection therapy - becoming okay with asking for opportunities even if I might get told no, and surprising myself with how often I might actually get yeses, which will just propel me forward. Inspired by @gabbies1000nos on TikTok!

• Sprints & Challenges - The area where I keep track of any sprints or challenges I’m partaking in.

• Hobby & Creativity Tracker - Just tracking where I’m spending my time, and on what.

• Weekly & Monthly Reflection - Exactly what it sounds like! This is my space to reflect.

And this is what makes up my media library ecosystem!

This all works together to help me track my consumption habits, stay connected to my creative self, regulate, and above all else, enjoy my days instead of just trudging through them.

If you have something similar, I’d love to hear about it! And if you don’t but want to create your own space like this, I hope you’ll let me know how yours is similar to or differs from mine.

Thanks for reading!

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Returning to the past in an attempt to relive or correct it, trying to predict or prevent future outcomes based on the way past circumstances turned out, desperately longing for a future that will never come - destined to be dissatisfied.

When it’s time to wake up in the morning, I want to sleep longer.

I grumble to myself as I force myself to sit up, wishing I could sleep for just a couple more hours.

A few minutes pass, and I start to enjoy my Opening Hour, then my Garden Hour, and then when it comes time to get to work, I wish I’d woken up earlier so I could’ve spent a while longer doing the things I enjoy before having to dive into client work.

While working, I think constantly about the non-work-related items on my to-do list, the chores I need to take care of once I’m finished, the things I want to Google when I have the free time, the music I want to listen to, the hobbies I want to get back to.

After work, I feel I haven’t accomplished enough during my workday, even if I’ve transcribed 10k words, written 5k, completed milestones, and reached deadlines for two of my clients, plus squeezed in an hour or two of working toward my brand launch. Just an hour or two? Is that all I could do? I didn’t do enough today.

When I’ve finished with work and other responsibilities, it’s finally the time I’ve spent the whole day thinking about: my me time. My time to finally rest, relax, and enjoy my hobbies, listen to the things, read the stuff, eat the junk, watch the mess.

I spend that time 25% engaged in what I’m doing, 75% thinking - quite excitedly, because I do actually love my job - about work the next day. I’ll have a fresh set of goals to achieve, marks to hit, and to-do list items to check off. I have some fun ideas for my digital products, an interesting concept for my client’s story, a couple of new details to add to the latest draft.

I force myself to stop thinking about work outside of my work hours and turn my attention back to the creative project I’m working on currently for a few minutes before my mind drifts to the 60 other creative projects I want to work on when I get the chance.

While mindlessly working on the current one, I think excitedly about the ins and outs of the next one - how I’m going to do it, what it’s going to look like, how it should turn out.

When my usual evening headache appears - visiting after the afternoon one had only just taken its leave - I lie down and contemplate which app to start scrolling through first.

While scrolling through TikTok, I wonder what’s going on over on Twitter (which I will never call X, and you cannot make me.)

When I exit TikTok and begin finally clearing out all the videos I’d been meaning to get to in my Twitter bookmarks folder, I wonder if I’ve gotten any important emails since the last time I checked twenty minutes ago.

I take a detour to Apple Music on my way to check, press play on whatever song has been stuck in my head - because I must always optimize my time. There are so many things to do, I can’t possibly check my email without turning on my music first, so I can listen to it while I do - then finally, I open the mail app and see nothing there.

I finish listening to the song while glancing at the TV, then hit pause on the current song before the next one can start and press play on my audiobook instead. I listen as I read along, half-invested in the story, half-thinking about the YouTube video essay I never watched when I said I was going to. But what will I do with my hands while watching the 45-minute video? Should I take the time to scroll through Pinterest or find one of those colorful goods sorting games to play instead?

The night goes on like this until I’m all out of time, and then it’s 11:30, and I’m begrudgingly tucking myself into bed, wishing I could stay up longer despite the way I’d yawned and thought about tucking myself into my cozy bed that night throughout the entirety of the day.

I spend the next day the same way, and then the day after that, and then every day after.

Several times throughout each day, I ask myself, “My God, why am I so overstimulated?!”

Six years ago, it was 2020. My days were each the same - each a blur of choked sobs, mental breakdowns triggered by a stressful living situation, family drama, and the constant fear of an immune-compromised loved one dying from a virus it seemed no one but me and said loved one were taking seriously.

But there was also watching Run BTS for hours a day to talk myself off the ledge, studying Korean for a sense of purpose while I had no job and no college (the way my former classmates all did one year after our graduation) and there was Dua Lipa’s Future Nostalgia album, Megan Thee Stallion and Cardi B’s controversial WAP, Chloe and Halle - who I’d been a fan of since the Radio Disney days - finally reaching mainstream success with their iconic UnGodly Hour album and tennis court performances, and there was Beyonce’s iconic “Dear Class of 2020” video and BTS’S song Dynamite hitting 101 million YouTube views in 24 hours and becoming the first song by an all-South Korean act to debut at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100. There was the rise of TikTok and TikTok dances and the now nostalgic TikTok sounds. There was the “Tiger King“ craze that I never got into.

There were stimulus checks and no more Donald Trump in office. Everybody baking bread from the comfort of their own homes during the quarantine. Witnessing the people ahead of us in line being asked to put back some of the Clorox they’d picked up because only one bottle per person was allowed.

2020 has perplexed me since 2023 onward. It was an awful, traumatic year. For the collective and for me personally. The most difficult year of my life up until 2025.

Why do I somewhat - always only somewhat - long to go back to it? Why do I look back on it and wonder why it - and 2021, and 2022 - went by so fast? And why do I sometimes miss it? Why does it scare me to think about how far away we are from it now?

It feels as if 2021 and 2022 blurred together. I remember so much from those years and hardly anything at all. One thing I do remember is that in 2021, sometimes I thought I would give anything to go back to 2020, and in 2022, I looked back on 2021 with fondness. In 2023…For the oddest reason, I can never remember much about 2023 because it and 2024 blended together, too. But in 2023, I kinda liked the year that it was. It was fine. But 2020 to 2022 were…Well, not better, but by that point, they already felt nostalgic.

In 2024, I worried about how fast time was passing, and how far away 2020 was getting, and I wished it were still 2023. In 2025, I wanted to die.

That’s dramatic. I guess. 2025 was certainly a year. I spent the entirety of it wishing for 2024. Or 2026. Or literally any other year would’ve been just fine.

Now it’s 2026. We’re three months in. I don’t hate it. I don’t dislike it. I do like it here, in this year, so far. But I do think about those other years, and the nostalgia they bring, and I wish for them back for that reason and because I still don’t like how far away 2020 is getting - and 2019, and 2018, and 2017…

I don’t see myself ever experiencing another year in which I don’t have these thoughts of wanting previous years back, maybe not for any particular reason, but just because those years were back when.

Yet my disdain for the quick passing of time does nothing to keep me from longing for a future that I will never see.

It’s not that I want the days, weeks, months, or years to pass quickly - I’d prefer it if they slowed down or didn’t pass at all.

It’s just that the things I want don’t feel like mine right now, so I pray for, constantly think about, and practically obsess over a future where I have them.

All I want is my own apartment and the income I fantasize about.

And a bunch of other things in between.

The things I think might lead me to them.

I want to know the ins and outs of graphic design. I’d like to have some marketing certificates, then one day, a degree. I intend to build a digital product empire with over 1,000 products - all of which will actually mean something to me. I want to work with musicians constantly, helping them shape their narratives, build their worlds, connect with their fans, and tell their stories in a way that fulfills them. I want to sell my eBooks on Amazon and offer my social media management services on the website I’m still building.

By that point, I would assume I’d have both the things that I want the most - maybe I’ll even have them long before reaching that point - but there are still goals that won’t stop harassing my mind until I finally accomplish them, even after all that.

The debut novel I keep dreaming of being adapted into a television series before I’ve even so much as brainstormed for it. The YouTube career I’ve fantasized about since I was 12 - maybe younger. The screenwriting side quest I’m determined to take one day.

All day long, I envision my life with these things in it. I envision myself after I’ve accomplished them. I think about the things I’ll get to have and enjoy once I’ve done all this. I break down and ask God what I’m doing wrong since I don’t have them yet, in between bitterly interacting with the blessings I used to pray for - the ones right here in front of me, present in my life at this very moment.

In 2021, I was a naive girl who’d spent the majority of her life writing thousands upon thousands of words daily, for free. When I scored my first professional writing client and was offered one cent per word to write instead, I was ecstatic. I thought I’d made it.

Took some time, but I realized one cent per word wasn’t going to cut it. I prayed for two cents per word, then three, then four. I got what I prayed for, and it took more time in between, but I realized none of that was going to cut it either. So I prayed for fifteen dollars per hour, then twenty, then twenty-five, then thirty.

I realized that making that kind of money ghostwriting romance novels wasn’t going to happen for me at the time, so I prayed for the skills to make a change in my career, too. Content writing, a little script writing, and then book editing came along. Then I prayed for work that actually fulfilled me, and I was blessed with clients who needed memoirs written and musicians who needed personal branding and narrative storytelling services.

I received what I wanted, each time, and barely took the time to express gratitude - to God for blessing me with it or to me for manifesting it and working towards it each and every day, tirelessly - before requesting the next thing.

I think about that one moment that my mom swears she doesn’t remember, and probably truly doesn’t. Back when I was 12 or 13, and she was excitedly talking to me about something, and I threw my head back and huffed before turning to walk to her room, only to see her already standing in my doorway looking at me. She saw my reaction, and her smile fell a little, and it didn’t come back even when I laughed and told her it was because I’d been thinking of something a friend had said that annoyed me. I do not like to lie, and I have never been good at it, but in that moment, I wished I were.

I think about when I was 17, and my nephew was 5, and I was irritated that he had to sleep with me in my bed, and I did not do a good enough job of hiding it. He laughs about how he was annoyed at having to share a bed with me, too, now, and I think it’s hilarious every time he brings up how we argued like siblings back then - but I still feel bad for not hiding my annoyance well enough back then.

I think about how my best friend went through a rough time during our senior year of high school, and I, naive as always and not fully understanding the gravity of the situation, sent more judgment than care their way. And even though I apologized and we had a heartfelt conversation that left it as water under the bridge years later - and even though my friend never held it against me at any point in time in the first place - and even though we remain best friends all these years later - I still feel sad that I was unhelpful during the situation.

I think about the time I did the embarrassing thing in front of the person, and the way I handled (or didn’t handle) the situation, and how I missed out on doing the thing because I did the other thing instead and it didn’t turn out to be as fun.

All the times I stuttered over my words in the embarrassing way that I tend to do, and when I thought my makeup looked great, but I actually looked like a clown, and when I said something that I thought was smart, but it was actually stupid.

Admittedly, I don’t live in the past nearly as much as I live in the constant state of longing for the future, but every now and then, I do live in the past as opposed to staying put where I’m supposed to be in the present.

One moment, I’m working on my client’s project and making great progress, completely focused on the task at hand. I’m happy as my work flows easily, the words spilling onto the page without me having to give it much thought, for once. The next, I come to a sudden halt. I gasp, and my body jolts as the image of that moment pops into my head. Breathing suddenly feels much harder as I begin to obsess over the previous health issues my parents faced and try to predict when they might occur again. Do I still have my emergency bag packed? Does my cat have enough food and water in her bowls to last her a night or maybe even two? Where is my phone, in case I need to call 911?

All while my mom is the happiest she could possibly be (watching The First 48, of course) in their bedroom, and my dad is in the living room cackling at The Jeffersons.

I start working again for all of two seconds before coming to another stop. My cat has suspected allergies and scratched herself so much last year that she developed bald spots and bloody skin patches before her vet appointment could come around - an appointment that came around when I was having my seventh mental breakdown of the week and quite literally on my last dime, at that.

It worked out because I locked in and manifested a good amount of money. She got to the vet and got an allergy shot, and the bald patches were covered by her hair as it grew back.

But now, every time she grooms, I wonder if I should make another appointment and start calculating the costs, with any potential emergency surgeries (for allergies…? I guess…?) included. I wonder if it will work out again this time or if this is going to be really bad. What if the traditionally $150 visit is $1500 this time? What if she’s really sick and in pain? What if they can’t save her in time?

All while my cat’s grooming comes to a stop and she flies from my bed, jumps into my window, and starts wagging her tail as she watches a squirrel run up a tree.

I’m relieved, and then I’m panicked again a second later. I hear my floor fan stop for just a split second - in the summertime, during a partially cloudy day - and I wonder if a bad storm will cause a day-long power outage the way it did two or three summers ago. I’ve got a deadline to meet on a client’s project, so this thought causes my heart to race. Have I charged my portable charger recently? Do we have enough candles to survive the night if the lights go out? How long will it take the food in the fridge to spoil if we end up without power? What if the power never comes back?

All these questions before a power outage - or even the storm that could cause it - has even occurred. All this with no bad weather in the forecast for the entirety of the week.

It’s constant.

The reflecting on the past, the longing for the future - or the bracing for it, depending on the context - the thinking about whatever it is that I’m not currently experiencing…It’s constant.

And yet, I have the audacity to wonder why I so often feel unhappy, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled.

The past cannot be changed - or, it can with revision if that’s what you assume to be true as a Law of Assumption follower, but I’ve never really been a revision girlie, so for me, the past cannot be or at least, will not be changed - and it does not indicate anything about the future, either. So, why do I spend much of my time thinking about it instead of just living in the present moment?

The future will never come. Tomorrow will never come because tomorrow will be known as “today” and the tomorrow after that will be known as “today” as well, as I’m experiencing it. So, why do I spend so much of my time envisioning it - the way a princess locked in a tower envisions a prince showing up to save her - instead of just living in the present moment?

At some point, I will have my own apartment, but I will never say, “Yay, I’m a renter in the future!” with the keys in my hand. Instead, I will say, “Yay, I’m a renter now!”

At some point, I’m going to be living my dream life, but the version of me who has that life will never say, “I’m so happy I’m going to be living my dream life soon!” She will only ever say, “I’m so happy I’m living my dream life now!”

If I weren’t constantly envisioning future me as a financially comfortable individual, perhaps I’d be a financially comfortable individual right now.

Perhaps (most definitely) the reason I don’t appear to have the things I want to have is because I spend all my time thinking about the distance between them and me and how badly I want them instead of just saying thank you for them and enjoying them now. There always has to be another step. “If I do this, I’ll be closer to having that.” “If that happens, then I’ll have this.” “In a few years—” “When this person—” “When these circumstances—” Why can’t I just say, “You know what? I am this person and I have this thing now. That’s it.”

Every time I’ve done that in the past, the thing has manifested. When I’ve stopped begging, pleading, hoping, dreaming, waiting, and longing for it. When I’ve gotten fed up with my current circumstances and decided I’m just not going to deal with them anymore - when I’ve decided that I don’t have to because things actually just get to be the way I want them to be, and that’s it, and that’s all. When that has been the case, I have manifested the things I desired. Not by waiting for some future to save me, but by claiming the things I want as mine now.

If you want something, you must be the person who has it, and I know that.

I know that the version of me who has the thing would not spend all her time longing for it. And if I spend all my time longing for it right now, I will never be the version of me who has the thing because the two cannot coexist. I can either be her or not be her - right now, I am not being her.

Everything depends on right now. Every moment is the present moment. And I will never enjoy it if I look backward or forward continuously.

I want to stop feeling anxious and overwhelmed, but I bombard my mind with thoughts of 70 different tasks that have nothing to do with whichever one I’m trying to complete in the current moment.

I wish to stop feeling a constant sense of urgency, but I spend every moment thinking about the next instead of focusing on the one I’m experiencing right now.

I long for happiness and fulfillment, but lack focus on the present, even when doing or experiencing the things that make me feel happy and fulfilled.

I want my materialistic desires to be mine, and I want my goals to be accomplished, but I don’t gift myself with the feeling of fulfillment that I think those things will bring me now, when I very much just…Can.

I wonder why I feel miserable, and the answer is obvious.

I live everywhere besides in the current moment.

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Okay, I am notoriously bad at watching new things, and watching TV/Movies is my least favorite form of media consumption - not that I dislike it, it’s just that I love reading and listening to music more - so this post will be very short and sweet, because honestly, my curated viewing and weekly feature sections reflect my lack of viewing effort.

But since I’m doing my Notion Media Library series showcasing the different areas that exist within my media library, I figured I couldn’t leave this section out.

Both my “Curated viewing” (TV Shows) and “Weekly Feature” (Movies) sections are structured the same way, but they’re on separate pages just because I liked the idea of each part of my media library living within its own “room.”

(And in After Completing 31 “Episode of the Days,” I Can Officially Say It Has Changed My Life, I talked about how naming simple tasks something cute allows me to stick with them. That’s why I came up with those names for these sections.)

Each of these sections has a “Watch List” area and a “Thoughts” space.

For the Curated Viewing “Watch List” area, I have:

• My 2026 Focus - shows I definitely wanna try watching this year

• Watch Eventually - an extensive list of all the shows I want to watch at some point

• Anime - I like to list anime I wanna watch separately since I’m more likely to start a new anime than any other new show

• K-Drama - I have to start watching more of these at some point

• Netflix - One time, I started thinking about all the stuff I’ve got saved for later on Netflix and how if I ever lost my account, I’d never remember to watch any of it. So, here this is

• Rewatch - Shows I wanna rewatch eventually

The “Thoughts” area is just a database where I can add new entries for shows I’ve watched, write summaries, share my thoughts and opinions, and keep track of when I started and finished watching them.

My Weekly Feature section is pretty much the same, but I have a little section for actors I wanna keep up with, too!

There are lots of other platforms you can use to track stuff like this, especially for moves and shows. But I’m a Notion girlie through and through, and these sections fit right in with the rest of my media library, so I figured, why not?

This is nothing that most people haven’t already thought to do, but just in case you haven’t, I hope you think about tracking your own viewing habits! It genuinely gives me joy to look back on the stuff I’ve watched, why I decided to watch it, and when.

And if you’re a cinephile or binge-watch a new show every week, you could make your viewing tracker much better and more detailed!

Let me know if you do.

As always, thanks for reading!

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Having hobbies is not an option; it’s a necessity. We tend to abandon our hobbies when life gets busy and stressful, but abandoning our hobbies means we’re abandoning ourselves, and abandoning ourselves is the worst thing we could possibly do.

As I mentioned in Romancivity: My Word of the Year for 2026, one of my biggest goals is to be more creative and return to engaging in activities that I enjoy doing more frequently.

I’ve spent the past few years focusing exclusively on work and other things I deemed to be productive, rarely allowing myself to be creative if I wasn’t going to earn a profit or some other form of compensation for it.

I told myself that because I work as a freelance writer, and I write daily, that means I’m being creative daily - but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Putting insane amounts of pressure on myself to write the perfect story for my clients and never writing anything just for the fun of it - just for me - is not me being creative.

Besides, although writing is my biggest passion and greatest strength, it’s not the only way I can or want to express my creativity.

There was a time when I’d sit and make photo collage fan edits, attempt to learn how to draw, and make DIY home decor. I used to study Korean, read more books, and curate detailed playlists and album concepts. I would work on scrapbooks, research for fun, and create characters just because, too.

But at some point, all that stopped. I deemed it unimportant and focused only on the things that I thought would push me forward in my career.

But that was a big mistake. It led me to feel like an imposter every time I called myself a “creative” and I felt like a lifeless cog in society with no purpose aside from working. Plus, it didn’t leave me any room to be bad at things and still enjoy doing them anyway.

So, this year, I’m returning to my creative roots and prioritizing the things that make me happy and rejuvenate my energy when I’m drained. Because I used to think that working and studying were the only things essential for my growth, but I’ve learned that my hobbies are just as important because they’re a much-needed outlet that allows me to express myself, work through my thoughts and feelings, and learn more about who I am and how I function.

That’s why my Garden Hour is all about me taking the time to nurture myself, pour into myself, and do the things that’ll allow me to reach full bloom. It’s a commitment to prioritizing whimsy and fun each day.

But that’s easier to say than to do when your work, responsibilities, and overall busy schedule dominate your life. Hence, the creation of - and importance of - my Garden Hour.

The Importance of My Garden Hour’s Name

In After Completing 31 “Episode of the Days,” I Can Officially Say It Has Changed My Life, I talked about how naming simple tasks something cute allows me to stick with them. That’s why I came up with the name Watering the Garden of Me! AKA, Garden Hour.

Calling it this makes it feel way more special to me than just saying, “Okay, time for me to do my hobby for an hour,” each day. When something is framed that casually, it’s easy for it to be the first thing pushed aside the moment life gets busy, but I don’t want my hobby time to feel negotiable or disposable - because that’s not how other things, like my work or study, feel.

I want my hobby time to feel like the priority it is just like anything else in my life does. Giving this time a name helps with that.

This span of time has a special title that makes it feel more distinct and essential, not optional, which makes it feel like it isn’t just an hour I squeeze in if I’m feeling motivated or have extra energy. Instead, it feels just as important as any other appointment, obligation, or deadline I may have.

Naming it also helped me mentally separate this time from productivity. Garden Hour isn’t about output, improvement, or results. It’s also not about being good at anything or turning something into content, money, or proof of my worth. It exists solely for my nourishment.

But most importantly, the name is a reminder for me that I would never question whether the plants in a garden “deserve” to be watered each day. I would just show up to water them daily without any doubt, hesitation, or excuses if I didn’t want them to shrivel up and die.

In the same way, I don’t question whether I deserve this time to do the things that I love and enjoy. I simply show up and tend to myself the way I deserve to be tended to - because I do not want to shrivel up again.

My Garden Hour is not treated like a reward that I earn after being productive enough, and it’s not something I sacrifice when my schedule gets overwhelming. It’s part of how I stay grounded, continue to be inspired, and feel alive.

If work is how I maintain my career, Garden Hour is how I maintain me, and both are equally important.

Giving this practice a name and its own place in my day allowed me to stop treating my creativity like an afterthought and start treating it like a responsibility I have to myself - because it is.

And speaking of giving it a designated spot in my day…

Garden Hour Is Part of My Schedule Like Anything Else

I’m a time-blocking girly who does not play about her carefully planned schedule. But one of the reasons I never used to stick to engaging in my hobbies each day was because I never thought to give them a designated time slot within my daily schedule.

I figured, “Well, I don’t need to schedule it. I don’t schedule time to watch TV, take a shower, or listen to music. Why would I need to schedule doing my hobby when I enjoy doing it and know I will make time for it anyway?”

No, ma’am.

That kind of thinking may be fine for some people, but it wasn’t for me. Not putting it in my calendar made it feel a lot less essential, and not putting it on my to-do list made me a lot less likely to actually do it, especially when I was usually exhausted after doing everything that was on my to-do list.

This year, I decided to actually carve out time in my schedule for my daily Garden Hour, and I was very strategic about where this hour was placed. I knew how things had gone in the past. I’d tell myself, “I’ll just enjoy my hobby for an hour after work,” and then proceed to do nothing but doom scroll, nap, or stare at the TV in complete silence every evening. Then I’d feel awful for abandoning my interests yet again, and blame myself for being “lazy,” but in reality, it wasn’t all my fault.

Work is draining, and we all only have so much capacity. To be fair, we all deserve to rest and recuperate after work. Sometimes, that means just lying down and giving our brains the space and time they need to settle after a long day. Decompressing is important, and if we don’t have the energy to do anything besides sit and stare at the wall, that’s normal and fine.

But knowing how mentally exhausted I can be after a long day of thinking, trying to put words together perfectly, and having social interactions, I knew it was crucial for me to include my Garden Hour early in the day if I wanted a fighting chance of sticking to it.

So, I placed it behind my Opening Hour - and spoiler alert, that was the best decision I could’ve possibly made!

My Garden Hour takes place during my second waking hour of the day - right when I’ve finally fully gained consciousness and knocked the sleepiness out of my system, but before I’ve had to start taking care of my energy-depleting responsibilities.

I get to start my day off with a slow-paced morning, doing things that I genuinely love to do instead of immediately diving into the things that could make me dread waking up in the morning if I had to do them first things first. So, having this Garden Hour has already led to me looking forward to waking up each morning, which is a great thing.

And I’ve made it my business to wake up at 5:55 am nearly every day since 2026 started, including on weekends - and holy crap, it really is just as amazing as everyone says it is, especially on weekends - so this hour lasts from 7:00 am until 8:00 am.

During that time, I’m the only one in my house who’s awake, which really adds to the vibes because there’s nothing like getting to fully immerse yourself in your hobby without having a single concern about being interrupted.

But Is One Hour Really Enough?

There was a time when I might have felt like having only one dedicated hour for my hobbies wasn’t enough, and was maybe even pointless, because if I couldn’t spend more than sixty minutes doing what I love to do, then there was no point in doing it at all.

Sixty minutes isn’t a lot of time. It tends to go by very quickly, especially when you’re having fun. Plus, when you compare it to the eight+ hours you may spend working, it damn-near feels insulting to think about only engaging with what you love to do for a measly sixty minutes.

I used to think there was no purpose in taking the time out to do what I enjoy unless I could do it for a prolonged period of time - enough for me to really get into it. To get lost in it for at least a couple of hours.

But I was very wrong, and frankly, I don’t know why I felt that way, because now I can’t stress enough just how impactful that one hour a day has been.

First of all, that one hour a day is 28 - 31 hours per month, depending on the month. And that’s way more hours than I ever spent on my hobbies when I was refusing to do them because “one little hour per day is not enough time.”

Second, I’ve been surprised by how much I’ve been able to - accomplish isn’t the right word here - enjoy since I started including this hobby hour in my schedule.

I started this officially on January 5th. As I write this, it’s February 7th.

So far, because of my Garden Hour, I’ve been able to start working on a music magazine, re-read the Arthur Adventure series + most of Heated Rivalry, watch Heated Rivalry, work on the cute recipe cards I’ve been meaning to make for my future recipe scrapbook, start learning about different art styles for fun, and write 9 Substack posts (finally starting my Substack journey after months of wanting to!)

This may not seem all that impressive to anyone who doesn’t know me, but I know me, so I know that this is, indeed, very impressive. Because before this, I can’t remember the last time I watched a new show or carved out time for reading in my schedule.

Making a zine or full magazine was an idea that was perpetually trapped in my head, always shoved onto a shelf in the back of my mind, never acted on. All my cute recipe card ideas were given the exact same treatment.

And the dozens of ideas I had for things that I wanted to write about bounced around in my head constantly, with nowhere to land because I had no outlet for them - because I had no time and no place to write about my interests, and the only thing I allowed myself to spend time writing was content and stories for my clients. And it was making me beyond anxious.

All this within the span of a month. It makes me wonder how many new pieces of media I’ll get to engage with and how many creative projects I’ll get to enjoy working on by the end of this year, assuming I keep this up!

But if you want to know what really makes the Garden Hour so amazing, it’s 100% the fact that it’s just a baseline.

It’s an hour-long commitment to myself each day. It’s a way for me to show up for myself daily, for at least just an hour, before showing up for everyone and everything else. And it ensures I’m always placing my awareness on my hobbies, at least a little bit, each and every day.

That allows me to think about them and pay more attention to them more often. And that often leads to me returning to them, even when I don’t “have” to.

My Garden Hour is a non-negotiable necessity, but having it often leads me to put in more effort to return to my hobbies even outside its set time.

I find myself trying harder to muster up the energy to engage with my hobbies more after work now - and a lot of the time, I don’t even have to try.

I’m more motivated to pick them back up from wherever I’ve left off that morning, even if I’m tired. And since I’ve already had my necessary hobby time in the morning, picking up my hobby in the evening feels less like just another draining task on my to-do list that I must complete, and more like what it actually is…A way for me to have fun and unwind after a long day.

So, reframing my hobby hour into something more intentional, something that I treat as a commitment just as important as any other, and doing it early in the day has led me to spend more than just one hour a day on my hobbies. Not every day, but some days, and that’s good enough.

Dedicate 1 Hour Per Day to Your Hobby, and You Won’t Regret It

If there’s anyone reading this who’s been wanting to start a new hobby, return to an old one, or just engage with your current ones more often, I can’t recommend incorporating a designated time slot for your hobby into your routine enough.

It’s oftentimes easier said than done, and I know I’m not saying anything you haven’t heard a million times before, but still, I encourage you to try.

If you’ve tried it before but didn’t stick with it, maybe the problem is that you need to reframe it and make your hobby hour feel more essential to your routine. If that’s the case, I suggest you give your hobby hour a name that resonates with you and a time that can work for you - even if that means a little sacrifice in other areas.

If you’re most energized first thing in the morning, don’t be afraid to incorporate it into your morning routine if possible - and if you need to wake up earlier just to do that, then do it if you can. Because waking up earlier is so worth it if it means being able to squeeze time for you into your day.

If you’re a night owl, don’t feel like you have to force yourself to do things bright and early or during your busy day. Maybe you can get away with staying up a little later if it means doing the things you love.

Try your best and let me know the details of your hobby hour - when are you having it, what are you calling it, and what are some of the things you’re doing during it?

P.S. I’ll be making a post What Creativity Looks Like for Me in 2026 soon! I’m doing most of these things during my Garden Hour, so if you need ideas for what to do during yours, stay tuned for that <3

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Each day, when you first wake up, you have the opportunity to set the tone for the whole rest of your day.

Don’t get me wrong, our days will go how they’ll go. Sometimes, it’s out of our hands. Sometimes, we’re going to have to interact with people that we don’t like, and it’s going to sour our mood significantly. Sometimes, we’ll have to complete tasks that make us dread getting out of bed. Sometimes, there are going to be unfavorable circumstances that pop up.

But still, we can at least try to get off to a good start.

And springing out of bed in a frenzy after sleeping through your third alarm, rushing to get dressed in fifteen minutes, and running out the door to head straight to a job you hate is not a good start.

And I know you want to be the version of you who has your desires - the version who is well-rested, well-paid, and thriving in their personal, professional, and social life. But I can guarantee you that version of you does not start their mornings off like this.

I’m a Law of Assumption girly, and if you know, you know.

If you don’t know, I’ll tell you: the best way to become who you want to be is to become who you want to be. Think, speak, and act as they do. Now. Because the future is a myth and it doesn’t exist. You will only ever have this second, this moment that you are experiencing right now. So, if you don’t start behaving like the version of you that you envision becoming in the future right now, you’re never going to become that person. You have to start behaving the way that person does - right now.

So, to reiterate…If the version of you that you want to be does not start their mornings off with chaos, then the current version of you should not be doing that either.

But this post isn’t about the Law of Assumption or manifestation. It’s about how we all need to be more intentional about how we choose to start our days, whether we’re trying to manifest our dream selves/lives or not.

It’s not fair to you to be thrown into chaos the moment you crack your eyes open. So, if you can help it - which a lot of us actually can, whether we want to admit that to ourselves or not - don’t do that. Instead, give yourself the kind of morning you deserve. Which, is just…The kind of morning you want to have.

Give Yourself an Opening Hour that You Can Enjoy

Everyone’s desired morning routine will look different - it’s based on your personal preferences, after all - but just make sure your opening hour is one that you actually enjoy, look forward to, or at the very least, don’t despise.

In After Completing 31 “Episode of the Days,” I Can Officially Say It Has Changed My Life I talked about how naming simple tasks something cute allows me to stick with them. That’s why I call the first hour of my day a simple yet meaningful name: Opening Hour.

The name reflects the hour’s purpose. An Opening Hour is just the hour I spend, after first waking up, on doing the things that I find necessary to get off to a good start. During my Opening Hour, I:

• Robotic affirm an umbrella or self-concept affirmation for 10 minutes

• Do a five-minute breathwork

• Have a ten-minute meditation

• Journal, script, or have a ten-minute rampage

• Look at my vision board, mantras, and affirmations

• Scroll for 10 - 15 minutes (A part of my routine that I’m trying to eliminate)

• Get dressed for the day (I WFH, so getting ready takes no time since I don’t put on anything too special)

These things are nothing too special. They’re all just simple things that allow me to start my mornings slowly, positively, and in a way that allows me to walk through the rest of my day with focus and purpose.

I remind myself of my goals and my desired reality first thing in the morning so I can embody the version of me who has those things throughout the rest of the day.

And I regulate myself first thing in the morning because it’s essential to regulate your nervous system, and I tend to get too lazy to do things on my to-do list in the evening.

These are all things that I like and don’t mind doing.

Nothing that takes too much brainpower or energy first thing in the morning, like jumping straight into work or study would.

And my Opening Hour leads directly into my Garden Hour (See: Watering the Garden of Me: A Look Into My Garden Hour), which means I actually get to enjoy two hours of my morning before jumping into the day’s responsibilities. Even better! 10/10 recommend.

Your Opening Hour can look however you want it to. If you want to do an extended meditation, spend it reading, have a Bible Study session, saturate your mind, listen to music, do yoga, dance - it doesn’t matter. You can do whatever you want.

Just make sure you’re giving yourself some time in the morning to fully wake up and do things you like before jumping into the day. Trust me, you’ll notice the difference when you do.

And yes, I know it’s easier said than done. Some people have kids, others are just not morning people, etcetera, etcetera. I know. All I’m suggesting is that you try because this really helps, and you deserve to start your day on your terms.

Let me know what you plan to do during your Opening Hour if you decide to have one!

And if you enjoy waking up early - or have been wanting to try it - read:

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I’ve never been opposed to waking up early, to be fair, and have woken up between 5:00 am and 7:30 am consistently for years. Sleeping in, for me, usually looks like waking up at 8:00 am, occasionally at 8:30 am, and rarely at 9:00 am.

Even when I was in school, I took it upon myself to wake up an hour earlier than I needed to, just so I wouldn’t have to get up and get dressed as soon as I opened my eyes, and instead, could watch an hour’s worth of George Lopez reruns before having to start my day.

(Younger me was onto something, as current me is still carving out extra time for myself in the mornings and has learned that that is, for sure, the best possible thing that I could do for myself. See: A Look Into My Opening Hour and Watering the Garden of Me: A Look Into My Garden Hour)

But even still, the earliest time I’m willing to wake up in the morning usually fluctuates every couple of weeks. Previously, I’d have periods when I could wake up at 6:50 am just fine, and then periods when I could only drag myself out of bed at 7:30. Waking up any time before 6:30 was usually rare and short-lived.

So, this is the first time in quite some time that I’m waking up before then, and probably the first time I’ve ever committed myself to waking up at 5 for an extended period.

Well, not 5.

5:55, to be exact.

Because I used a sleep calculator to tell me what time I should wake up based on what time I go to sleep each night, to ensure I’m not waking up in the middle of a sleep cycle.

Not sure if the sleep calculators you can find online are actually accurate, but it’s working pretty well for me. I’m not sluggish in the morning, and I do feel well-rested, so…

Anyway.

I decided to finally attempt to be a 5 am girly for a significant period of time, and it’s working out incredibly well for me so far! I’m not waking up at 5:00 on the dot, but I don’t need to in order to achieve what I’ve been wanting to do.

Waking up at 5:55 everyday has allowed me to enjoy both my Opening Hour and Garden Hour, first thing each morning. Two hours dedicated to doing the things that help me regulate myself and engage with my hobbies before having to take care of responsibilities.

And it’s given me more time to squeeze in additional work or study (depending on the day), too!

My only goal was to gift myself with more time, and I’ve achieved it.

And while I’m probably making it sound way too simple right now, I can’t stress just how much this has completely changed and restructured my days for the absolute best.

It’s led me to be much calmer and less reactive because of the nervous system regulation I’ve been practicing during my morning routine. It’s allowed me to return to feeling like a human instead of a robot created just to work, since it’s given me the space and time I needed to be creative and enjoy my hobbies for the first time in years.

And it’s strengthened my self-trust - because I said I was going to wake up at 5:55 am every day for a month, including on weekends, no matter what. And I actually did it. And it was the first time in a while I proved to myself that I could trust myself to be consistent and keep my promises.

I think that’s the most important thing I’ve gotten from this whole experience.

Would I Continue Doing It?

I originally just wanted to commit myself to sticking with this for a month. Just to say I tried it out, just to say I stuck with it for as long as I said I would, and just to squeeze in a little more time to get more done during my busy January days.

Waking up at 5:55 am every day was just one of my daily tasks during the duration of my January sprint - which, side note, I love a good sprint, and I’ll have to write about that, too, one day - but I actually decided to incorporate it into my February sprint, too.

Why?

Not because I loved how much more productive I was able to be with more time in my day.

Not because I enjoyed my Opening Hour so much.

Not because waking up at this time made me feel immensely proud of myself and my consistency.

Not because waking up so early made the days seem to go by slower, instead of flying by at an alarming speed, which has genuinely been known to give me extreme anxiety in the past.

Sure, all of those things are perks, but none of them were what made me decide to wake up this early for a whole other month.

The reason I decided to stick with it through February - and likely the foreseeable future - is because waking up at 5:55 in the morning on weekends is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Everyone thinks I’m insane for thinking that, but waking up early on the weekends is ten times more enjoyable than waking up early during the weekdays.

I was really hesitant to do so at first. Naturally, I thought it’d suck to wake up at that time instead of sleeping in on the two days a week when I actually could. But I forced myself to wake up early that first weekend and never had to force myself to do it a single time after. I’m even considering waking up at 5 o’clock on the dot, exclusively on weekends, going forward.

It’s simple, really. I like it so much because it makes my weekend days feel much longer, instead of going by even faster than the weekdays do.

I have the first six hours of my morning to myself, no one else awake but me, and I have nothing to do with them except whatever I want.

I usually spend that time having my Garden Hour, except instead of it being confined to one hour, I can enjoy it for as long as I want. Usually, I do - for all six of the hours I have to myself.

(Side note: I can do any of my hobbies during Garden Hour, but most commonly, I use the time to write for Substack! I end up writing 3 - 6 articles per weekend without even meaning to, and it’s helping me stay active here, which is amazing!)

Plus, there’s just nothing better than waking up and not having a single thing to do. Nothing scheduled, nothing planned, just a long, long day with plenty of time to do whatever I want. It’s an exciting enough thought to make me want to get up bright and early.

But perhaps most importantly, it does feel like another way in which I’m showing up for myself.

I think, “Well, if I can wake up this early whenever I know I have a day full of responsibilities to take care of, why can’t I wake up this early just to make sure I’m spending some extra time with myself? Loving on myself, taking care of myself, doing the things that make me happy…”

Waking up early on the weekends feels like self-care to me. My favorite form of self-care, at that.

Try It - Even if You’re Not A Morning Person

People aren’t lying when they say waking up early is a game-changer.

Some people think it’s all overexaggerated hype. I say it probably could be, but not for me.

It’s genuinely changed my life for the better - which probably sounds dramatic, given the fact that I didn’t list every way in which this has led to positive changes and effects in my life. We’d be here all day if I did. But hey, at least I covered the basics.

Anyway, I’m just yet another person telling you to try it, in case you needed to hear it from the millionth person of the month.

You won’t regret it if you do! Let me know how it goes.

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There is never a single point in time when I’m not going down one nostalgia rabbit hole or another.

At least once a year, I return to playing the old Flash games that I adored in my childhood - the Agame games, the CoolMath games, the GirlsGoGames games, Woozworld, Ranch Rush, Wedding Dash, Sally Salon, you name it.

Last September through October, I enjoyed replaying all the Telltale Walking Dead games for the first time in years.

I started this year off by watching reruns of The Parkers and rereading one of my favorite book series from my childhood: The Arthur Adventure Series.

I am forever trapped in a constant cycle of rewatching The Golden Girls, Modern Family, Bob’s Burgers, Reba, and Roseanne - with Arthur, SpongeBob, Ouran High School Host Club, George Lopez, One on One, The Proud Family, and both Zack and Cody shows thrown sporadically in between.

(And don’t save me. I don’t wanna be saved. I am exactly where I want to be!)

Of course, iCarly, Victorious, and Henry Danger reruns are sick of seeing me, too. But for whatever reason, of all the nostalgic media I continuously return to - most of which haven’t even been named, otherwise we’d be here all day - my iCarly revisits always seem to hit the hardest.

I go back to the other books, games, and shows I named simply because I enjoyed them when I was younger and don’t mind re-engaging with them now. As much as I love them and as many great memories as they do bring, they don’t hit me right in the chest the way my iCarly rewatches do, though.

Despite returning to iCarly less frequently than I return to anything else on this list, it always remains #1 on my list of things that epitomize my childhood. And even though it’s been over a decade and I still can’t decide whether I love iCarly or Victorious more, the former definitely is the one that elicits the strongest emotions whenever I return to it.

I was 7 when iCarly premiered, and I loved it from the very first time I saw that pilot air.

I had spent the three years prior watching Drake and Josh as it premiered, and I’d always loved Megan and Crazy Steve the most, so I was happy to see them again. This time, together. This time, siblings.

And the pilot of iCarly was funny. It didn’t take much to impress 7-year-old me anyway, so naturally, I was hooked from the start.

I was sat each and every Saturday, giggling happily at each new episode that came out. Carly and Sam were funny, Spencer and Freddie were handsome, and I wanted the penny tees in my closet and Sam’s iconic blue remote in my hands immediately.

(At some point, I did get one, but now I don’t know where it is, and I see they’re being sold for hundreds on eBay, so I doubt I’ll replace it any time soon. Should I ____ myself? No, no, it’s fine, everything’s fine, everything’s great.)

iCarly even introduced me to One Direction in 2012, although back then, I would swear up and down to anybody who asked that I had discovered them through the X Factor right from the very start, as that would’ve made me an even “realer” fan, apparently.

I was a Directioner from 2012 until the never-ending hiatus, and that era was a significant part of my life and one of my first in-depth experiences with being a part of fandom culture, despite having been a Belieber since 2009 beforehand.

So, iCarly had a pretty big impact on my life, looking back on it, if you ask me. Back then, I didn’t realize how much the show and its characters actually meant to me - especially Spencer Shay, who makes me emotional every time I think about him.

(He took good care of those kids, was the big brother I desperately wished I’d had, and provided the safe third place that the kids of today, unfortunately, have increasingly less access to…Well…It was a third place for Sam, Freddie, and Gibby…And maybe it wasn’t totally safe because of all the fires and flying hammers and whatnot…But you know what I’m saying.)

But now, when I rewatch the show, I do realize how much it meant to me back then and how much it means to me now. And I realize how hilarious a show it truly was for it to still be funny now. And I realize how sad it is that kids’ shows today are pretty much just slop that insults the intelligence of kids and tend not to provide any actual, valuable humor - and how lucky I am to have grown up in an era with shows like Zoey 101, Drake and Josh, and iCarly, which did.

But none of those things are what make me feel so emotional when I rewatch the show.

It’s the sudden realization that hits me like a ton of bricks every single time the theme song plays -and then again and again as the episodes play out: I will never be nine, watching Carly and Sam fight and decide to end their web show before tearfully making up again. I will never be eight, laughing at the trio’s tumultuous experience in Japan again. I will never be seven, watching Spencer lose his mind over Claymation again.

I struggle with the concept of time more than I think the average person does - and I know everybody struggles with the concept of time, but for me, it seems like a constant battle.

How is it that 13-year-old Carly Shay, who is older than me, is now in her 30s? The show only premiered, what, 10 years ago? Except that it didn’t, and it actually premiered nearly 19 years ago.

The show premiered nearly 19 years ago.

But that can’t be right because 2010 - which was just a few years after it premiered - was just 10 years ago.

Except, no, it wasn’t; it was actually 15 years ago. Because apparently it’s not 2020 anymore, and allegedly we’re closer to 2030 than we are to 2020. But how is that possible when 2019 was last year, and Covid Hell just began yesterday?

And what do you mean we’re not in the 2010s anymore and haven’t been for over six years? That would mean that the 2010s ended 7 entire years ago, and that I didn’t graduate from high school just last year, but instead, almost 7 years ago, and that I’m not 20 anymore, admiring 23-year-old Jungkook, but instead, I’m older than Jungkook was when I first discovered BTS, which was just yesterday - but it wasn’t yesterday, it was apparently six years ago - even though he’s supposed to be older than me and somehow I’m 25, and he’s forever 23 - and what happened in 2021 - 2024? What happened to 2021 - 2024?

And if we’re already in 2026, we’re basically already in 2027. And if we’re basically already in 2027, then it’s literally already 2030, and it’s been 20 years since 2010, but that can’t be possible because I was just 10 years old 10 years ago in 2010, even though it’s now allegedly 2026.

What is truly going on?

I constantly feel puzzled by the passage of time.

It’s just that it goes so fast. Especially throughout these last six years.

And things that happened just last week are actually things that happened half a decade ago. And the people in my life are not the ages that they used to be and that they are supposed to be.

Suddenly, I’m my sister’s age, which is not right because she is nine years older and she is supposed to be her age, and I am supposed to be my age, which is…Not this one.

And my parents are not the 40-year-olds that they were before and were supposed to remain even as I aged.

And three of my grandparents have stopped aging completely because they’re gone.

And what’s crazier than all this is the fact that I can’t just go and revisit the times I prefer. I’d rather be sitting in my Hannah Montana-themed bedroom watching my two favorite worlds collide at the expense of both Carly and Tori getting cheated on by their conniving boyfriend.

No - I’d rather be watching Spencer battle his Pak-Rat addiction in his aggressively loud, hot topic-core, skater boy fashion, actually.

(God, I want to burst into nostalgic tears every time I see him wearing a long sleeve with a graphic T-shirt on top of it, especially in seasons 1 and 2).

But the thing is, as fondly as I look back on that era, as much as I miss it and long to experience it again, and as much as I think about how badly I just want to return to that time in my life just for one day just to experience it again - I can’t.

I will never be able to. It’s never going to happen, no matter how much I wish and hope for it.

And if that wasn’t bad enough…

Time just keeps moving forward, and that era just keeps moving farther and farther away.

The gap between me and 2007 is widening. In 10 months, it will have been 20 years ago.

The gap between me and 2019 is getting bigger and bigger, too. In 4 years, it will have been a decade ago.

I’m trying to live in the now, stay in the present, not look too far ahead or rush time along.

But all this time has gone by so fast that it’s hard not to see just how close those ten months and four years really are.

The icing on top of this crappy cake - which I never asked for - is that as time goes on, things just seem to be getting worse and worse.

I’m generally an optimistic person, but I do allow myself to put on my pessimistic pants just every once in a while, and yeah…I’m opting to put them on right now.

Part of it is nostalgia talking.

“Oh, the music and movies and TV shows and books and restaurants and fashion and video games and toys and Christmas season are never going to be the same as they were way back when. The MP3 players, made-for-computer games, and Wiis are never coming back, and burning CDs, renting DVDs at Blockbuster, and fantasizing about going to Toys R Us and Chuck E Cheese, - even though I know my parents can’t afford it - will never come back either.

I will never eat rectangular-shaped, half-warm pizza alongside a carton of milk after P.E class, experience a field day, or watch a movie on a TV from the 90s rolled into the classroom on a wobbly cart again.”

(And some of that still goes on today, sure, but it’s not the same. It’s not the early 2000s.)

And yeah, boohoo, that sucks, but I know I’m being biased because everyone likes the things from their era most and doesn’t see the beauty in the eras that came after theirs.

My parents felt sorry that I wasn’t able to experience watching Good Times, Little House on the Prairie, or The Jeffersons, as they premiered, too. It pained them to know that I was listening to the likes of Hannah Montana and Phineas and Ferb’s original music instead of…Whatever it was that they listened to as kids. And they hated that I had Justin Biebers and One Directions instead of Michael Jacksons and Princes.

(And to their credit, while JB and 1D were wonderful to experience, I do wish I could’ve experienced Michael and Prince in their primes, too! Also, to their credit, they eventually started looking forward to listening to my Hannah Montana, Justin Bieber, and Phineas and Ferb CDs more than I did.)

The kids of today will feel it too when they’re older. They’ll feel sorry for the kids of tomorrow that won’t get to experience…I don’t know…Roblox games and Coco Melon and Skibidi Toilet or whatever the Hell is around now, too. So, I’m not special for feeling like my time was the best.

But it’s not just that stuff, obviously.

It’s also…You know…the world.

Everything costs too much, and yet the quality is in Hell. Nothing is built to last; everything is built to get you to buy more. No more internal CD drives coming with the laptops, no more free chargers coming with the iPhones. Your clothes are going to last you two years if you’re lucky, and the food that used to last a week in the fridge better be eaten between today and tomorrow, or it’s gonna have to be thrown out.

Community feels nonexistent even though we have constant access to each other via social media.

It’s just that nobody’s staying friends with the people they knew in high school well into their 70s.

We’re not in our 70s right now, but I know that because we’re not even staying friends with the people we knew in high school well into our 20s.

You can join online communities that’ll allow you to do cool stuff, like have a book club, find pen pals, or just hang out in a curated space - for a monthly subscription fee. You can join a group chat and then join another one next week, when that one goes dead. You can go out and make friends in real life, but you’re gonna have to spend some money to do it. Pottery class money, bookstore money, pilates money - whatever. You can hang out with the friends you already have in real life, but that’ll cost money, too, if you don’t wanna spend time at home. Third places hardly exist anymore.

The president isn’t doing historic stuff, like, legalizing gay marriage and stuff. He’s doing historic stuff, like, making sure there’s no funding for textbooks - and no education system, period, in the future - because if there was, students would be flipping through them feeling that specific kind of sadness you get when something really bad happened to a lot of people a lot of years ago and there’s nothing to do about it now except acknowledge it, thank God you weren’t alive back then, and move on.

The list goes on, and it gets way worse, but that’s about as much pessimism as I’ll allow myself to express for now.

Anyway, it’s not like the world was ever perfect. My parents would look at me like I was stupid if I ever said I wanted to return to 2008. It may have been a nice time for me, but it sucked for them. And I know that’s just how it is. A nostalgic time for one is always a Hellish time for another.

And it’s silly to think there was ever a time when things didn’t suck just because I was unaware of just how sucky things could get back then. And in a lot of ways, things did, at least, get significantly less sucky for a lot of people as we moved out of the early 2000s and into the 2010s.

I fail to see how things have gotten any less sucky for anyone as we’ve moved from the 2010s into the 2020s, though - but what the Hell, sure. Let’s assume they have for someone out there.

Still, in my mind, nothing will ever be as good as it was from 2000 to 2019. That’s not to say everything in my life was perfect during those years - there were an excess of horrible circumstances to be dealt with then, too - but there were things that could make up for it, at least.

Like iCarly.

But at no point in my life will I ever again be 7 and watching new episodes of iCarly.

I will not be listening to new Black Eyed Peas music in 2009.

I will not be watching my favorite person, ever, Beyonce, announce her pregnancy at the 2011 VMAs.

I will not be watching Miley Cyrus at the 2013 VMAs with my scandalized yet amused, Chaotic Good mother.

I will not be playing Kim Kardashian Hollywood in 2015.

But worst of all is definitely, undeniably, 100% without a doubt…

The fact that I will never in my life be 7, watching new episodes of iCarly, ever again. For sure.

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